BCPs Have Started and Photos of MEMPHIS!

First bath

Tree Shot!

My Mom & Mephis, so calm. I wonder how long that will last?

Sleeping on Uncle Bay-Bay

Phoenix, Memphis, & Bailey aka Uncle Bay Bay to Phoenix (My Mom's Dog)

Sleepy Boy

Cute as a bug in a rug.

The Boys, if you look to right you will even see our boy Oz.

Merry Christmas from Phoenix!

So, Is he a Memphis or a Houston?

We are really leaning towards one name, but we have other family members whom are not too fond and have got us HIGHLY considering other options. Honestly he is OUR baby and it is OUR decision, but I am still curious. Is Memphis... a good name for our little buddy? What do you think of Houston? What about Dallas? What about Hudson or Trenton?

When You Can't Have a Baby... YOU HAVE A DOG!

Now, don't go and make me feel like I am a bad person for getting another dog! My dog is spoiled, I LOVE MY DOG MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE! Well, YES I did fall into the lets get another dog trap (my husband pushed me in) and I did fall in love with another dog! We are NOW the proud parents of the TWO cutest dogs in the world! BOTH BOYS!

Spare me the "did you really need another?" If you are really asking that.... well then....maybe you have no idea... and maybe you are not a "Dog Mama"! and maybe you have not been INFERTILE FOR A VERRRRRRRYYYY LONG TIME! MY dogs, my husband, my family, and my Elianna are my life, and well....right now I am happy. I have all of them at my heels!

Help me name him!

We are leaning towards MEMPHIS.

We already have our PHOENIX so we are going towards another "city" name. Our other option is "HOUSTON." What do ya think? Any other ideas?

I Have Been A Bad Bad Blogger

I have been a very, very bad blogger. My goodness what has happened to me? Oh yea, I am content, just plain ol’ content, and slightly okay with it all. So content that I almost feel like not going forward with the next cycle.

We have been having some MAJOR insurance issues. Back during the FET a bill that should have gone to the study went to me and my insurance picked it up using my whopping $2000 lifetime limit. It is not so much that I am wanting the $768 refunded, but you see when the benefit is maxed,( which of course it now is due to that bill and oh yea my very expensive last cycle) then the preferred provider rate is no longer given, because infertility treatment is not a benefit after you meet your lifetime $2,000 max, which is a joke in and of itself.

I got a call today that they are working on it and will be sending the corrected claim to my insurance company next week. Let’s just hope they resolve it and actually apply the credit to the infertility benefit in a timely manner. A timely manner because we are trying to get a bulk of the appointments in before January 1st. My insurance has a $1,500 deductible (ouch) so if we get some of the appointments in that are covered before then and then do some of the procedures the first week of January that are not covered then at least we saved on the appointments that are covered and are paying out of pocket as we normally would, BUT this out of pocket will hopefully go towards the deductible. Does that make sense? It does to me… hopefully it did to you. See, insurance pays NOTHING not even prescriptions until we meet the deductible, so since we are going to pay out of pocket for our treatments anyways let’s put ‘em towards the deductible. That is my thought anyways. Who knows, I cannot control the timing or how insurance bills things, and now AF is late, which I guess is good until the bill is worked out.

So, the using of the benefit leads me to my next topic of this IVF being our last. See now that we have no discounts #3 will be our last (and #3 is only going to happen if they refund the money used from the benefit.) If #3 fails then we will be on a long break until at least September. I have enough meds to do an IUI so we might throw one in if we can financially swing it. Then in September we will explore me getting on Gabe’s insurance, which NORMALLY (plans are changing, so who knows) has a plan that covers 50% with no maximum. Unfortunately, for me to get on this plan we will lose $500+ a month from DH’s paychecks. So we have a lot riding on this cycle, which could be why I feel content putting it off.

My girlfriend Hannah took our pictures the other day, they turned out great. I will post a few today and then maybe a couple more next week.

Tried a good recipe the other day, DH liked it more than me. Here ya go:

Paglio e Fienoadapted
from Joy of Cooking

Ingredients
1 lb long noodles (I used angel hair, but DH was thinking it would be better with penne and he is probably right)

1 tbsp butter

3 oz prosciutto, sliced (I only used 2.5 ounces.. I used the rest for a breakfast sammy )

1 cup heavy cream

1/2 cup peas, fresh or frozen (I used frozen)

1/2 cup parmesan cheese grated

Salt and pepper

Instructions

Boil water for pasta. Brown prosciutto in melted butter in a skillet on medium-high for approximately one minute. Add cream and bring to a simmer for about a minute and reduce temperature. Add peas, stirring for several minutes, and salt and pepper to taste. Once pasta is cooked, toss with sauce, and sprinkle with parmesan cheese.

It was good and I made the sauce the morning before we ate it. So when I came home, I boiled the noodles, zapped the sauce, and threw together a salad. We will make it again and I was thinking of swapping the peas for asparagus. I never said it was low fat, I only said it was good. Hehe. Merry Christmas!

I'd Never...

I'd never allow a friend to hook us up with "pork loin roast" when we really should have been charged for gourmet sausages

I'd never scream and curse when the darn Christmas lights didn't follow my damn directions for staying put around the window

I'd never feel a little let down when we pulled up to our house and things were just as we left them and our lives are just as they once were

I'd never admit that being away from the norm makes me feel much better

I'd never admit that on our vay-cay it had been almost a day since I talked or even thought about IF or IVF and it felt damn good

I'd never skip my vitamins because I was pretty sure I would just puke them up anyway

I'd never despise my insurance company for covering NADA of a $180 blood test to check HCG from retrieval day (just saw the bill today... lets just add it to the rest of the bills.. hoping they will let me set up a payment plan)

I'd never question who the heck packed the Christmas decorations away two years ago (because last year we chose not to decorate.. and of course it wasn't me two years ago)

I'd never fantasize about putting together the bassinet my MIL gave us

I'd never admit that it hurts to think we will never have that bassinet up in our house and it was oh such a waste to take it from a family whom put it to such good use

I'd never question if I am strong enough this year to do all this holiday stuff

I'd never slam the fridge door closed at the sight of fertility drugs when we got home from vay-cay

I'd never think I was blessed enough to not get the stomach bug the whole fam got this last week

I'd never have a little to much to drink on Thanksgiving day, because the Holidays are oh so easy

I'd never do a little Freegan in the dumpsters and truly LOVE it!

I'd never wish I didn't say things I said out loud

I'd never admit that I am a tiny bit envious that DH will be FRONT ROW at the Raider game tomrrow afternoon

I'd never be mapping out a plan for my next freegan adventure in my hometown

I'd never grab for a Big Gulp cup to think I would puke in numerous times on I-5

I'd never puke in 3 gas station bathrooms in Southern California

I'd never force myself to sleep just because I felt like crap

I'd never be excited to just be home tomorrow and to clean, do laundry and cook a great meal, oh how I love and miss cooking

I'd never cry during an audio book in the middle of nowhere

We'd never have a laugh attack going over numerous events. This happened in our bed during the middle of the afternoon today (of how we needed that). Oh how I love my DH.

I'd never think our dog was nuts

I'd never think so hard before I ate, and wonder how it might come out

I'd never think I was going to pull out a chain saw to cut down my shedding trees when the leaves covered my lawn in a blanket

I'd never fall in love with a brown and pink polka-a-dot apron at a speciality grocery store (who falls in love with an apron?)

I'd never allow our dog to be eating and destroying a hanger just because I am busy and don't feel like getting up right now

I'd never look over at the guy on the other couch whom is feeling slightly ill and thank my lucky stars that we found each other and that he loves me for who I am even with all my flaws

I'd never go to sleep right now without washing my face just because I don't feel so good and I am anxious to get to bed and have a solid nights sleep

I'd never pray myself to sleep with prayers that we succeeded in another miraculous break cycle conception and that the Stanford bills have been dissolved

Happy Thanksgiving

I have been MIA. We are in Tucson visiting DH's family for Thanksgiving. RE's office called yesterday and the lab results from last week were normal. So, no new meds will be added to the new protocol (will discuss the new protocol at a later date). All my meds have arrived thanks to some fantastic friends from FF who donated to me (my lifesavers!). This Thanksgiving I am thankful for you girls... you are my support, and my will to move forward. Evey time I am feeling down and alone all I have to do is think of you girls who are in my situation and are struggling or have overcome and I feel confident enough to keep on going and to keep my head up. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart and Happy Thanksgiving!

The Holidays

You may find it odd, but I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone in some of these apprehensions I am feeling towards the holidays. I want so bad to be excited, if not for myself, for my DH. Christmas is his favorite time of year, but yet Christmas for an infertile is a reminder of what is missing, what others have, and what could/should have been.

I hate feeling sorry for myself, I am trying so hard not to and to be happy for what we have. Yes, we have accomplished things this year, but the pain out weighs these accomplishments and memories. I am playing my hand... and this year the hand involves putting on the smiley face for the holidays and letting my DH enjoy them. I find comfort in the fact that we are moving forward and this year I am thankful for the technology we have that will bring me closer to being a Mother.

Below is a blog post from my friend Polly. Polly is a angel to us, Polly told us about the study at Stanford. Without Polly we would have never experienced IVF or Stanford yet. Without Polly we wouldn't have realized that Stanford was a preferred provider with my insurance and that even though infertility isn't covered on my insurance, the hospital is, and that makes IVF some what financially feasible for us. Polly's recent post about the Holiday's describes what us dealing with infertility and losses feel this time of year. She is a much better writter than me, so I thought that I would share.

http://in2mesee.blogspot.com/2008/11/holiday-apprehensions-like-everybody.html

The Lab

Of course the lab has no internet. Why would a hospital have internet access? Ugh. I sit typing in Word and will post this at some other time when I can get a signal. I arrived to the hospital at 6:25 a.m., by 7:00 a.m. I had been poked, which is nothing new to me and was enjoying my glucose breakfast drink. Ah holy sweetness. Not a very well balanced breakfast. I am not one for drinking anything sweet, minus the occasional margarita.

6:42 a.m. I was asked by the 2nd check in nurse “if I was pregnant?” Nope not pregnant… only dream, wish, hope, pray, and obsess. Just doing a test that many pregnant women do. They are checking my testosterone, DHEA, and large group of glucose tests.

6:47 a.m. An extremely sick little girl came in. You could tell she felt miserable. I couldn’t help, but get up and move as far away from her as possible. I am sorry, but I could do without being sick right now.

6:59 a.m. I was told I could not leave the lobby. Yup, got that… got that from the two previous nurses too.

7:01 a.m. I was back in the lobby settling down for the long haul. My boss was sitting in a seat nearby. We chatted a little. He was very sweet and managed to ask how I was doing with “all this”, which was thoughtful, now if only I could be asked that question without tearing up.

7:08 a.m. Stomach growls at the smell of breakfast cooking nearby. Hummm.. maybe I should start planning breakfast now. Crap, what about lunch? I forgot my lunch. Can you tell I am hungry?

7:16 a.m. Did I mention I can’t leave here?

7:20 a.m. Lobby is quiet. Maybe I will read a magazine. I sure hope the next time I do this test, I am pregnant.

7:21 a.m. Watching the news is so depressing. My DH likes to watch the news before bed, not me it makes me sad and worried and then I can’t sleep. Here I sit listening to the news and I have yet to hear an up lifting story.

7:26 a.m. I should probably call and leave a message for work. I will be late. I tried, I promise I tried. I got here at 6:25. Hoping to be gone by 8:25 and at work by 8:30. I should have known it would take over a half hour to check in.

7:28 a.m. I have a haircut tonight. I really want to do something different. I say this every time before a haircut, but yet come out with the same layered cut every time. This time I am thinking of going shorter, but will probably chicken out.

7:29 a.m. Tomorrow morning I have a teeth cleaning.

7:30 a.m. Going to read a magazine. The Dow is up 132. Not expecting it to stay up, but a girl with a sinking IRA can hope.

7:39 a.m. Feeling dizzy, going to watch a movie.

Friend...

Have you ever had a friend? A friend that is much more than just a plain 'ol friend? Even if she is "fertile..." someone who truly knows you more than you actually know yourself? Someone who knows that certain situations just aren't going to be easy no matter how optimistic you might want to believe you are... A friend who knows your feelings, a friend who loves you and wants to spare you from pain? Everyone deserves a friend.

Anyway

You could chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great but sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like i think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This worlds gone crazy
And it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

~ Martina McBride

Tomorrow has just got to be better than today, just got to. Sometimes things just have a way of hitting you like a ton of bricks when you least expect it. Just when I thought I was doing better, I was faced with a different set of feelings.

Things will be better, I have who I need by my side and I am not going to let the fear of the uncertain and the old me get in the way. Someday it will be our turn. For now, we take it as it comes and make the best of it and celebrate what we do have. I have to realize that I don't have to be a Mother to be whole and worthy. I am whole and I am doing my best, I am no less of a woman, wife, daughter, or friend. We are a family, in our own way even if it is just the two of us and not exactly what we planned. We were dealt this hand and instead of feeling sorry for myself, I will just play it. Even if I lose my ass, I am still a winner because I gave it my all.

On a positive note we will be moving forward. The final bill rolled in today and we were slightly surprised. Don't get me wrong it wasn't cheap, and it stings to pay for something that didn't work, but it was not $8,ooo like we thought it might be and we can pay it without using credit cards. So, we plan to move on and even have a VERY promising new protocol from the RE. Thanks to some wonderful Internet friends (again) whom are donating their meds to us we may be starting up again as soon as December. For now I try to stay busy, breathe and heal and work on feeling whole.

The Holidays

The following post from a couple of blogs really hit home for me this morning. They seem to take the thoughts right out of my head. Not sure how I will manage this year, jumping into a November cycle would have helped, or a even a December cycle, but financially not sure if that is feasible.

http://twondra.blogspot.com/2008/11/happy-holidays.html

Smile

It has been over a week now and all in all I am holding up okay. I have these moments of utter fear. Fear that I will never be a mother. Fear about the bills, fear about how we will pay for another cycle, fear about doing another cycle, fear about the upcoming holidays and how I will make it through the pain. Fear that maybe we are no where near the end, fear that we are missing something, fear that I am completely broken, but mostly fear that we will NEVER be parents no matter how hard we try or how bad we want it.

I am scared, unsure, lonely, and sad, but I have managed to smile and make the best of it.

I smile because....
-I think of Gabe
-Phoenix's new hair cut is super cute
-Phoenix's kisses can brighten my day
-My husband loves me, and I love him
-My salmon rocked last night
-My husband supports me and will stand by my side
-I am intrigued about the topic of tonights meeting, and slightly excited by where it might lead us if need be
-I have to be strong for my husband
-I know that some people love me
-I was given a promising new protocol from the RE
-Gabe and I get to spend many hours alone together driving
-The RE's office is supposed to call today to answer my long list of questions
-Some (just some, can't smile too big) of the bills were covered by insurance
-I bought some new throw pillows for the couch
-I scored a great parking spot at TJ's at 5:30 p.m.
-I have great internet friends who have offered to donate meds to me once again
-I am alive
-I love my house
-I love my cats
-Susie left me the funniest voice message
-I spent a day with my Grammy, Mom, and Elianna
-Elianna's smiles are contagious
-Even if we don't have biological children, some how we WILL be parents. In my heart I truly believe this.

Jealous

Jealous that DH is off Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Why aren't we closed today in honor of our Veteran's? Jealous, he is in bed, I wish I was in bed. Lucky, loveable guy. Hope he has a great day, oh... and manages to complete some stuff around the house. That would be great! Happy Veteran's Day all!

Our Hand

So here I sit wide awake. I am not too much for sleeping anymore. I think my thoughts are even starting to interrupt my dreams (if that is even possible.)

This morning I read a post from Tammy. Tammy is depressed and doesn't understand how her life got like this. She also wonders why God would want her to be this unhappy?

What did we do to deserve this? I ask myself this every morning as I struggle to get out of bed. I will never know what we did to deserve this. All we can do is manage, make this best of it, and work with what we got.

We are going to try again, I know... it may seem crazy financially, but we have to. We have no CLEAR reason that it won't work, so for now we WILL try again and yes it won't be easy, but these are the cards we were dealt and all we can do is play them even if they are crappy. We just hope we can catch a card which will make us the winner. Imagine if we folded and our flop would have given us a Straight Flush, we just can't fold because we never know what could come up and lead us to victory.

However, a re-deal might be nice.

Maybe...

Maybe I am just not meant to be a Mother. Would I be content living my life without ever having children?

Oh, and thank you all for your wonderful comments. They helped get me through the evening. Yesterday DH and I spent a day together. A day healing and talking and planning. We didn't get very far and we still haven't heard back from the doctor, but it was nice to spend the day in San Francisco with my husband trying to re-coop.

Going forward DH requested that we not be so public about our journey. He had a hard time telling people that once again it didn't take. I don't blame him, it is hard, it is hard to explain and answer questions that we have no answers to. I really enjoy sharing our journey with you women that understand and can comfort me, but because family and friends read this blog as well, I may not be as open as in the past. We will see, maybe DH will change his mind.

I am at a loss, not sure where, when, how, or if we will move forward. We were told we could start another cycle as soon as today, but beings that I am out of vacation and sick time, we opted not to, nor do I know how much this cycle costed us and if we even have enough to pay for it.

Maybe December? Maybe January? Maybe next year? Maybe never?

Let it Go

I been caught sideways out here on the crossroads
Tryin' to buy back the pieces I lost of my soul
It's hard when the devil won't get off your back
It's like carryin' around the past in a hundred pound sack
Today, I'm gonna keep on walkin'
I'm gonna hold my head up high
Gonna leave it all behind
Today, I'm gonna stand out in the rain
Let it wash it all away, yeah wash it all away
I'm gonna let it go, Oh oh, Oh yeah
I'm gonna let it go, oh oh, Oh yeah

Beta was Negative.

That is all I have to say for now. I have a lot I want to say, but for now, just letting things sink in.

Thanks Erin!

In honor of my blogger buddy, Erin (http://122075.blogspot.com/), who's strength amazes me. I present my one word answers:
1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Dark-Blonde
4. Your mother? Well-intentioned
5. Your father? Well-intentioned
6. Your favorite thing? Computer
7. Your dream last night? Peaceful
8. Your dream/goal? Mother
9. The room you're in? Living
10. Your hobby? Cooking
11. Your fear? Childless
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Mother
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you're not? Satisfied
15. One of your wish list items? Baby
16. Where you grew up? California
17. The last thing you did? Cried
18. What are you wearing? PJ's
19. Your T.V.? Entertainment
20. Your pet? Companions
21. Your computer? Support
22. Your mood? Blah
23. Missing someone? Yes
24. Your car? SUV
25. Something you're not wearing? Socks
26. Favorite store? Gap
27. Your Summer? Emotional
28. Love someone? Incredibly
29. Your favorite color? Green
30. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday
31. Last time you cried? 3:05

And now I invite these wonderful women to participate:

Lisa: http://www.infertileground.com/
Ryan: http://enjoyingeverymoment324.blogspot.com/
Erin: http://terobertson.blogspot.com/
Polly: http://in2mesee.blogspot.com/
Tammy: http://twondra.blogspot.com/

To Pee of Not to Pee?

Going NUTTY over here! I can't decide what to do. If I test today it might still be too early (11 dpo), so if I see a negative I can chalk it up to that and hold on to a little bit of hope. If test tomorrow or Monday and see a negative you normally can't blame it on being too early and the hope will be almost completely gone.

What is a girl to do? I know I have to test. I don't want a random nurse blurting our my beta results without being prepared, I want to know before that call. I dread that call and I NEED to be prepared.

On the symptom front... not much. Same old same old, and the symptoms I do have can be blamed on the progesterone supplements. So who knows? All I can do is sit back and pray, which I have been doing a lot of.

Happy Halloween

IVF Barbie

When Mattel was looking to design their new Barbie, IVF Barbie, they soon realized that there was not one universal Barbie that would accurately portray the spirit of IVF Barbie. So they decided they would come out with a few variations thereof.

Newbie Barbie: Newbie Barbie, also known as BabyDust Barbie is a bright, perky, Barbie, filled with optimism and confidence that IVF Will Work. She is thinner and usually younger than the other IVF Barbies. Her accessories include rose-tinted spectacles, a positive bank balance, healthy insurance coverage and a million questions. Newbie Barbie has lots of other Newbie Barbie friends and they congratulate each other on a job well done. This Barbie only says pleasant, optimistic things and believes that Attitude is Everything. Their motto is Think Positive!!

Pregnant Newbie Barbie: Pregnant Newbie Barbie is the big sister to Newbie Barbie. She is still slim, now with a cute belly. She is proof that IVF Does Work, usually the first time. She also comes with rose-tinted spectacles, a positive bank balance (only very slightly depleted) and total confidence that All Will Be OK. She glows when pregnant and liberally uses baby dust when playing with her sisters, the Newbie Barbies. She comes with Very Cute maternity clothes, a double stroller, and a fully decorated nursery even though she is only just a few weeks pregnant. Her motto is 'See! Thinking Positive Works!!'. Newbie Barbie and Pregnant Newbie Barbies are great playmates and you can collect them as a set.

Veteran Barbie: Veteran Barbies are not at all related to the Barbies above. Veteran Barbies are the Anti-Barbie. They are a whole lot plumper than the Newbie Barbies, less perky (in boobs and attitude), have grayer hair, a largely negative and over-drawn bank balance, plenty of bruises and marks and a slightly cynical attitude. They are dressed in comfy track pants with elasticated waistbands. Their accessories include a wealth of knowledge of reproductive procedures and protocol, the ability to practically do their own cycle, a snarky attitude, little tolerance for stupidity, a well defined sense of humor, the ability to laugh at themselves, a fondness for wine/beer/crack and an aversion to pineapple, baby dust and Newbie Barbies. This aversion in its more severe form can be allergic and acerbic. Veteran Barbies tend to swear quite a bit (especially when playing in the Barbie House with Newbie Barbies and Pregnant Newbie Barbies) and parental guidance is advised.

Pregnant Veteran Barbie: Very similar to Veteran Barbie, only now with an added dose of neuroses and paranoia. Continuously and obsessively over-analyses every twinge, convinced that the end is nigh. Only buys stroller and decorates nursery when in eighth month. Accessories include disbelief and a sense of not quite belonging, and 10 home pregnancy tests just in case the first one was faulty or the clinic made a mistake with her beta. Pregnant Veteran Barbies have been known to pee on the sticks up until the day before giving birth just to see the two lines.

Celebrity IVF Barbie: Celeb Barbie comes in two versions: Denial Celeb Barbie and Out the Closet IVF Barbie. Denial Celeb Barbie does not play with the other Barbies and pretends not to be an IVF Barbie at all. She drops the IVF part of her name and thinks 'Donor Eggs' is a swear word. She pretends that her twins at age 49 are Natural and she did it all On Her Own. She also claims her boobs are her own and that she has never had a face life, hence her credibility is not at an all time high. Out the Closet IVF Barbie is the preferred Barbie. We like her.

IVF Ken: Ken is a wanker. Sorry to sound so harsh, but besides being a wanker there is very little that Ken does in IVF land. Sometimes Ken administers shots, hands out tissues and occasionally accompanies the Barbies to their Dr's visits (normally during the first few cycles only), but mostly he is just a wanker. If you choose an IVF Ken, then try and get one that also cooks or does DIY. Otherwise just sit him down in front of your Barbie TV and let him know when it is time for him to do his, um, contribution. Mostly the Barbies love their Kens, unless Ken is being particularly insensitive or obnoxious, then he becomes a wanker in all senses of the word. Some IVF Barbies don't even have a Ken and they do just fine. If you do find a good Ken, hang on to him, don't swap him with your other friends.

Ken : RE Ken (RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist) is the all knowing, all seeing Ken. He might be a wanker, or not, but here we are talking about being a wanker in the figurative sense. He could also be very nice. He may call you by your first name but you may only call him Doctor. His accessories are many and wonderful. He comes with a zooty new car (normally very expensive), a smart house, a very healthy bank balance and a holiday home or two. RE Ken knows every thing and is considered second only to God. Some RE Kens are kind, some are not. They are all rich. Ken's office is filled with fun toys like ultra sound machines, dildo like probes, waiting rooms filled with the different types of Barbies (some annoyingly come with miniature Barbies or Kens en tow), medicines, procedures rooms etc. RE Ken also comes with a free Nurse (Ratchet) Barbie, who will not return your calls, will hand out annoying platitudes and generally add to your frustration levels. When purchasing RE Ken you will get Ultrasound Ken and BloodDrawer Ken. Unfortunately they come as a package deal and you are not able to get RE Ken without them, they aren't as much fun. However, you will need a RE Ken if you are going to play the IVF Barbie game.

Mattel foresees a big demand for these Barbies and say that for extra fun and lively interaction, collect the full set of IVF Barbies, put them in the Barbie house together and see the sparks fly.

Carving Pumpkins

Our Babies!

A fellow blogger and friend found that the VW site has a virtually baby maker, which is part of their Routan advertising. You download a picture of the Mommy and a picture of the Daddy and voila you have a baby! Ah, if only it were that easy. Of course I HAD to try it! And since we are secretly hoping for twins, here they are! Safe to say they have their Daddy's ears. hehe.

86 Proof

As promised, I posted some video of my husband and his band to Youtube.  My husband is the singer.  I wish the sound was more clear, but this is the best we can do for now.  The was only their 2nd gig.  They have been practicing for about six months now.

Daddy Scares Phoenix

Okay, I know it is mean and not right, but you gotta admit it is funny.  We love you Phoenix, we are sorry.

Our Future Babysitter?

Ozzy: Don't worry baby, Uncle Ozzy will take good care of you.

Ozzy: Bath time.

Ozzy: Nap time.

Ozzy: Get away Phoenix, you are just a dog and I am in charge.

Ozzy: Safe and sound.

Phoenix: I can help too!

Oz: Don't think so.

Phoenix: Hey Oz, I got diaper duty.

Phoenix: What?  I can do it, I swear.

Serena: Thank you for taking such good care of my babies Ozzy.

Phoenix: Hey what about me?

Serena: You too Phoenix.

Ozzy: I even do laundry!

Mommy: You're hired!

Embryo's

I am at home today for my last day of bedrest.  Today and tomorrow are the days that the embryo's will implant if they are going to.  Implant!  Implant! Implant!

Transfer Complete... Now We Wait

I was a nervous wreck this morning, but things turned out well. All five had survived! The RE suggested we transfer just two, but we have done just two and we all know how that turned out. So we opted to transfer four. We transferred three 8 celled, and one 7 cell. The lone embie was only a three cell, which was not very promising. We are happy with the outcome. Now we wait.

Our Fab Five

Tonight will be a rough one. I am trying to stay occupied and not think about the Fab, but then I do.. and then I burst out into random prayer (I guess some part of me makes me thinks it might help).

Oh my, this is going to be a long night. Appointment is at 10:40 a.m. tomorrow. Praying and praying that all the embies have stuck around. We are planning to transfer what ever embies have survived these last three days.

I will post again tomorrow, hopefully with GREAT news.

Can We Just Bottle These Days Up?

Lets just bottle up these days. These days when something goes right and we are hopeful. Lets bottle them up and hand them out when needed. Praying for my five little embies tonight and hoping they stay strong.

Thank You!

First off Thank you all for your support and encouragement. I have to make this fast because I am at work, but I know you all are waiting to hear the fertilization report.

Last night was awful. I had these waves of hopes and then these waves of sadness. I am surprised I slept at all.

I just got the call that FIVE of the six eggs have fertilized! Can you believe it? Thank you lord. I know we are not out of the woods, but I am happy with the number today, it is better than anticipated (so glad we chose to do ICSI).

This morning all five embryos appear to have normal chromosomes and have split into two cells. Transfer is set for Friday, if all five are looking fantastic on Friday they may push it to Sunday. But that was a big maybe. For now I am able to take a deep breathe, and I am thankful. Still sad, worried, and disappointed, but thankful.

Physically, I feel 100% better than last time. Recovery was a snap, unfortunately emotionally I am 100% worse. We have so much riding on this emotionally and financially, last time it was all so new and inexpensive relative to this. **Sigh.

Please please please keep our five little embies in your thoughts and prayers.

Crushed

Crushed, very very crushed. Out of 26 follicles, 20 were empty and 6 eggs were retrieved. I am angry, hurt, and just plain upset. Last time this happened we were told it was a fluke and a problem with the trigger shot. This time, it was no longer a fluke. The RE called it ovarian dysfunction. Huh, I finally have a name to my problem. The worst news, there is no way to fix the problem or to know what is inside those follicles without actually going in during the egg retrieval.

Great. Just great. Our only shot for a VERY VERY long while due to funds and this is what happens. I know.. I know... we do have 6, but I am crushed and VERY broken. I wanted the best odds and the option to freeze some. We were able to do ICSI to better the fertilization rate so we will see what happens tomorrow.

Please please please pray for 100% fertilization for the 6 eggs, 100% fertilization would be ideal in this situation.

I want so bad to be hopeful, but I have been through so much that hasn't gone my way, and right now I am just hurting.

No More Shots!

Yet another appointment that went off without a hitch on Sunday morning. The RE again mentioned the word "perfect" and "beautiful".

25 YES 25! She counted 25 follicles over 10 mm. More than likely we won't have 25 eggs, but we do indeed have 25 follicles, which COULD possibly yield 25 eggs.

My trigger shot was giving by my lovely husband at 12:30 a.m. It stung more than I remember it stinging. Tonight we will head down to Palo Alto and stay the night in a hotel near the hospital. Retrieval must be done 36 hours after the trigger, otherwise the eggies will drop on there own so it is VERY important that we are not late, and you never know with traffic, so staying in Palo Alto will put our minds are ease.

Egg Retrieval is set for 11:30 a.m. with a check in time of 10:30. Not sure why, but I am nervous. Nervous to be put to sleep and mostly nervous for the outcome. Last time I awoke to the news that we had only 9 eggs, I pray this time I will be awoken with good news along with a FANTASTIC fertilization report the following day.

Last night at at 12:31 a.m. Gabe and I announced to each other that we are officially done with shots! My bruised belly was thankful and we are thankful that thus far things have gone smooth.

Crossing fingers that everything continues to go smooth tomorrow and the blog will be filled with good news. I will update when I can.

Even our Ozzy is crossing his paws for us.

Someday

I have recently become so very interested in other people's blogs. I started this blog as a way to share what is going on in our lives (infertility mostly). I figured that rather than trying to explain how each appointment went or what what was going on... this would be easier. It seems that most of my followers are no longer personal friends and family, but rather Internet friends, which is great.

Through blogs and fertility friend I know that I am not alone on this journey and no matter how bad I feel, there is someone out there who has been through it, gotten past it, and lived to tell about it. For those women, I wish I could take the pain away. I wouldn't wish this pain or the feeling of failure even on my worst enemy. Your strength makes me stronger.

I used to feel completely alone like I was the only one going through these struggles, but after following numerous blogs (some good and some bad), I know that life goes on, and for some... life DOES get better, and dreams DO come true. Life throws curve balls, life doesn't always go as planned, and sometimes when you least expect it... good things DO happen. Who knows where this path will lead us, but someday each and every one of us will be parents... some way and somehow.

Pinch me

Someone please pinch me, did yet another appointment just go flawless?

Responses from the RE:

"Beautiful"
"Absolutely perfect"
"Great growth"
"Better than anticipated"

Yes... she was describing MY CYCLE. Things are right on track. My lining was at 10 mm. I have 16 follicles all between 11 and 16mm and 6 little guys under 10. I go back again for one more check on Sunday and the egg retrieval is set for Tuesday morning. The even better news... I FEEL GREAT! The RE thinks it has to do with my loading up on the protein and Gatorade. Yes, I am uncomfortable, but no where near as much as I was last time.

Gabe has a gig tomorrow. He is uber nervous, I wish I could take that feeling away for him. I don't blame him, he will be singing in front of at least 100 people which will include handfuls of friends, family, and co-workers. I am sure it will go well... all the guys are super talented. I PROMISE that I will upload some video to You Tube and post it.

I will post again with the results of Sunday's check. Thank you all for your love, prayers, and support. I can't help, but feel hopeful today. I have been trying to not think too far ahead throughout this cycle, but today I have caught myself numerous times thinking ahead and I am finding it truly enjoying to have these hopeful thoughts.

An Appointment and Molecular and Stem Cell Research

It is hard to believe that yet another appointment went well. No red lights or even yellow lights... ALL GREEN!

My lining was 7.9 mm, which I was told was good at this time. Each side had the same size and amounts of follicles. I had one and 11mm and two and 10 mm, and 8 small ones right behind. That is a total of 22 follicles!

The RE was super pleased with the progress and said things were right on track and to decrease the Gonal-F to 75 for Thursday night. She said that many of the smaller follicles would catch up, but probably not all of them (which she said was a good thing). She reminded me that we are looking for quality over quantity. Think about it, what good does it do to have 35 eggs if they are poor quality and won't fertilize? So, this cycle we are working on quality. While reviewing my last cycle she mentioned that I was stimulated much too fast last cycle while on the study drug, which could have contributed (along with the faulty trigger shot) to the empty follicles and the poor fertilization rate we had last time. (30 follicles, 9 eggs, 4 fertilized).

I go back for a check again tomorrow. As it stands we are looking at Tuesday the 21st for egg retrieval. I feel SO much better than I did last time. At this point last time I was extremely uncomfortable. Today I am only slightly uncomfortable. I read that a protein rich diet aids in the quality of the eggs and can help with how I feel. I have been loading up on the protein and cutting back on the carbs. I have also been drinking my Gatorade. This morning I managed to eat 44 grams of protein in one meal! Grow nice and strong little eggies.

We decided to donate our arrested eggs and embryos to Stanford for research. Our options were: research or discard. To me it was a no brainer. Discard sounds horrible and this way maybe some good will come of our eggs and embryos that didn't make it.

We donated to:

Molecular Research – this is research on human development, studying eggs and embryos to learn more about early human development, ovarian function, embryo quality, studying abnormal development, and improving IVF clinical outcomes. They will also do genetic testing on our embryos and let us know if they find anything abnormal.

Stem Cell Research – this is research to develop the technique of creating stem cell lines which can possibly be used in the future to treat patients who have genetic diseases and disorders such as diabetes, Parkinson's disease, neurological disorders, etc.

Many people are against it, but we are not. If our arrested embryos can help someone else, why not?

Crossing fingers for another good appointment tomorrow!

The Stims!

Stims have started and so far so good. Night #1 we ended up doing the Menopur shot twice because we couldn't get all the liquid inside the syringe.

Last night Gabe figured it out, so I was only jabbed three times instead of four. Tonight it is all on me... I will be jamming three needles into my own abdomen. The things I won't do for a baby!

Follicle check #1 will be on Wednesday and I have an acupuncture appointment on Tuesday. I am loading up on my whey protein and only eating foods high in protein, I have also started drinking Gatorade to try to avoid over stimulation. Keeping my fingers crossed for a good check.

Hard to Believe...

It seems hard to believe that yet another appointment went PERFECT. I was all smiles leaving my appointment today as was the RE. She said things looked great and I have approx. 25 antral follicles. The number is high, but the RE was fine with it and said we would monitor the medication and the follicle growth closely... wow 25! Hum. Last time I think we had 19 at the baseline.

Stimulation shots which include Gonal-F and Menopur will begin on Saturday the 11th, and my Lupron dosage will be cut in half (three shots per night). Here we go, grow nice and healthy little follicles!

I am off to help Susie prep and bake for Serena's B-Day Pajama Party. Party is tomorrow night!

Happy Halloween!

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Phoenix Says: "Mama, please give me the pumpkin, I will be a good boy. I promise!" (Look at that face!)