Isn't It Ironic?

It's like rain on your wedding day,
It's a free ride when you already paid,
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
And who would have thought....it figures

For those of you who we didn't have a chance to call last night, what I am about to tell you may come as a shock.  At this time, I am in pure shock and disbelief.

As you all know our well built up in-vitro cycle failed, we had a blood test which clearly stated this and a period that showed up the day after the blood test.  The next cycle was to be a "break/rest" cycle (April).  This was our chance to re-group and decide where to go next.  We were told that it may be a strange cycle, I may ovulate early, not at all, or very late and things may be abnormal.

So we did just as we were told and took a break.  We put all of it aside and tried to move on and honestly we quite enjoyed the break.  No obsessing over symptoms or popping the vitamins, and taking temperatures.  I started spotting the day before we left for Mexico and assumed that I would be starting my period soon and the cycle was just a very short one.  My period never started while gone on vacation so I blew it off and assumed that this was just going to be a crazy cycle because of the drugs and procedures from the previous month.

Boy am I kicking myself today.  Last night we went to the ER for heavy bleeding and clots.  After some time and an uncomfortable procedure I was finally able to get them a clear urine sample.  Not too long after that I was told that a urine pregnancy test lit up like a Christmas tree.  At that point we were in udder shock, followed by the news that with that amount of bleeding it was unlikely that things would be okay.

To cut a 5 1/2 hour ER visit short, they are pretty sure that it has ended (more blood tests to come later this week.) Last night I had an HCG beta count of 2900, hearing that number we were shocked once again.  With our miscarriage two years ago our numbers only got as high as 322.  That put us farther along then we expected, and to have seen nothing on the ultrasound with that high of a beta is not good.  

We will never know the cause and I have been told that it was nothing I did.  I keep thinking... had I been more careful would it have turned out differently?  I feel just awful... the boogie boarding, the jumping off the rocks into the water, the sushi I ate, the coffee and margaritas I drank, the prenatal and progesterone supplements I skipped... I feel sick!  I know that beating myself up won't change anything, but I can't help it.

I am at a loss for words and feelings.  Part of me is a bit thankful for the hope.  The hope that it in deed can happen on it's very own without medical help.  I am also thankful that I didn't realize it a week ago.  I can't even imagine having taken a test and getting excited and telling you all to only have it end like this.

Who knows how or why this happened, but we are sure that it was NOT the in-vitro procedure showing up late.  We can speculate that maybe the birth control pills and hormones jump started things with my body.  We can only hope that is the case and this miscarriage was just a fluke and the next time things will be fine.  Miscarriages are common, but wow.... WHEN CAN I CATCH A BREAK?

Today I am at home because I was told to rest, but I plan to go back to work tomorrow.  Dwelling on this and beating myself will only make it worse.  All I can think is WHY ME?  WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHAT IF? WHAT IF? After years of trying, the one time I am oblivious to the situation it happens.  This roller-coaster is broken!  I am afraid to be on it and I want off NOW!

As for Stanford, we are waiting for a response.  We were told that we may need to take a few months of for my body to rest.  Gabe is proud of me for being strong, I wish I was only as strong as he thinks I am.  I am saddened by the way this turned out, but thankful that it happened.  I can only pray that this will lead us to an explanation or another chance with a happy ending.

Thank you all for your love and support.