Becoming a Mother

There are women who become mothers without effort.

And although they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be a better mother not because of genetics, money, or that I have read better books, But because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take the time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, Knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed and that I'm not waking because of my own nightmares and crying tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I have been given an insight, a special vision with which I will look upon my child.

A vision that my friends may not see.

Whether I parent a child I give birth to or a child God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all I have endured.

I am a better Aunt, a better Wife, a better Daughter, Neighbor, friend and Sister because I have known pain, known disillusionment, been betrayed by my own body and been tried by a fire and Hell that many will never face.

And given time, I stood tall.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of others eyes that moisten as they accept harsh truths, when life is beyond hard.

For all this, I will become a better Mother!

(author unknown)


Our Journey to Parenthood

As many of you know Gabe and I have been trying to have a baby since we got married in August 2004. We had a miscarriage in March of 2005 and were both just devastated. In 2007 we spent $5,400 in drugs, vitamins, doctor appointments, acupuncture appointments, testing, and fertility procedures, all with no luck. Needless to say spending the money is hard, but nothing could be harder than the heartache I feel each and every day. Nothing can describe the roller coaster I go on each month or the pain I feel inside.

Recently we were selected to take part in a clinical study at Stanford University in Palo Alto, so I have decided to create a blog to document our journey for myself and for our friends and family to follow.

To make a long story short, I will be testing the dosage of a newer fertility drug. All tests, monitoring, the drugs, etc. are PAID FOR. With In-Vitro they hope to get about 15 - 20 good quality eggs, they will remove the eggs and put them in a dish to fertilize. Then we will have to pay to put the best TWO back in... yes TWO actual embryos (five day old babies). Our cost is about $4,100. Normally something like this runs about $27,000. So, this is our miracle and we are so excited to be able to take part in this. This is the 2nd phase of the study and there are 515 of us in the U.S. and 20 at Stanford testing the medication which is a longer lasting (less shots) version of a very well known fertility drug called gonal-f.

Our hopes are that this works the first time (odds are 80%), and if it doesn't we should have frozen embryos to try again, or hopefully to try for baby #2 (or #3) in a couple years.

So, this opportunity first arose back in November. I was scheduled to go in between day two and four of my December cycle. Once the day arrived the study coordinator discovered that for the study, I must be 30 days off of any fertility drugs (I had a failed IUI with clomid in November.) Wouldn't you know it, on day four of my cycle it had only been 29 days since my last clomid pill. So needless to say I was forced to wait another month, I was crushed, it was Christmas time and I was depressed and just really wanted something to look forward to.

I made it through and yesterday marked cycle day 4 of my January cycle and Gabe was able to make it back in time from Arizona to make it to my appointment with me, oh how I love that wonderful man.

I awoke nervous, but yet so excited. It took us almost three hours to get to Stanford (Ugghh.) As soon as we went in to sign consent forms I was approached with the news that one of my tests (hystosalpinogram - x-ray which dye is inserted into the uterus to check the shape) would need to be repeated. I had the test done two years and five months ago and for the study it had to be less than two years. At first I just wanted to cry, it meant yet another set back, and the cost of doing the test. Luckily the drug sponsor had agreed to pay for the test which could be done immediately. So we had the test done, which was a hystosonogram and for some reason much more painful than the hystosalpinogram. After A LOT of pain and discomfort it was over and all was perfect. We were also able to get the baseline ultrasound, and go through all my paperwork, and sign consents, and again all was perfect.

So I am happy that we are still a "go" and that everything is fine, but here we are with yet another one month wait. As I sit here writing this, I have decided that I am okay with this set back, I am okay with waiting I am just happy to have this blessing. Right now we are so busy trying to complete the move and get last minute things done with the house. I think this is a blessing in disguise, next month we should be all done with the inside of the house and will have Jose moved into the old house and I will be able to relax and fully concentrate on the trial and be able to put myself first.

I look forward to posting again next month and telling you all that we have officially started the trial.