It has been over a week now and all in all I am holding up okay. I have these moments of utter fear. Fear that I will never be a mother. Fear about the bills, fear about how we will pay for another cycle, fear about doing another cycle, fear about the upcoming holidays and how I will make it through the pain. Fear that maybe we are no where near the end, fear that we are missing something, fear that I am completely broken, but mostly fear that we will NEVER be parents no matter how hard we try or how bad we want it.

I am scared, unsure, lonely, and sad, but I have managed to smile and make the best of it.

I smile because....
-I think of Gabe
-Phoenix's new hair cut is super cute
-Phoenix's kisses can brighten my day
-My husband loves me, and I love him
-My salmon rocked last night
-My husband supports me and will stand by my side
-I am intrigued about the topic of tonights meeting, and slightly excited by where it might lead us if need be
-I have to be strong for my husband
-I know that some people love me
-I was given a promising new protocol from the RE
-Gabe and I get to spend many hours alone together driving
-The RE's office is supposed to call today to answer my long list of questions
-Some (just some, can't smile too big) of the bills were covered by insurance
-I bought some new throw pillows for the couch
-I scored a great parking spot at TJ's at 5:30 p.m.
-I have great internet friends who have offered to donate meds to me once again
-I am alive
-I love my house
-I love my cats
-Susie left me the funniest voice message
-I spent a day with my Grammy, Mom, and Elianna
-Elianna's smiles are contagious
-Even if we don't have biological children, some how we WILL be parents. In my heart I truly believe this.


Hoping for our own Peanut said...

that is quite a list of things to smile about. :) it made me smile just reading it.

twondra said...

It makes you feel a little better, doesn't it? :) I've done that before.

Drea said...

Of course you guys will be parents. I'm sure of it. Some way. Some How. Here is one more reason to smile my darlin'-SOON we shall be taking silly pics after your many hours of driving...and we will inevitably make eachother forget about any worries just because we get to be in good company. We love you guys...oodles...

Mimi said...

You are a lot like me my friend. I too am scared of everything you are scared of but I know in my heart that I will be taken care of no matter what. You will also be taken care of. Good luck to you hon and keep your head held high during this difficuly journey. Remeber, you have someone on this blog who is going through this with you. May God bless you with happiness. Your list was just wonderful and remember those things when you are feeling down. You will have a baby, no matter what.

Good luck and God bless,
Kami from two week wait

Hannah said...

What meetings are you going to?
I know from the depths of my core that you guys will be parents. These are just the details.