It has been over a week now and all in all I am holding up okay. I have these moments of utter fear. Fear that I will never be a mother. Fear about the bills, fear about how we will pay for another cycle, fear about doing another cycle, fear about the upcoming holidays and how I will make it through the pain. Fear that maybe we are no where near the end, fear that we are missing something, fear that I am completely broken, but mostly fear that we will NEVER be parents no matter how hard we try or how bad we want it.
I am scared, unsure, lonely, and sad, but I have managed to smile and make the best of it.
I smile because....
-I think of Gabe
-Phoenix's new hair cut is super cute
-Phoenix's kisses can brighten my day
-My husband loves me, and I love him
-My salmon rocked last night
-My husband supports me and will stand by my side
-I am intrigued about the topic of tonights meeting, and slightly excited by where it might lead us if need be
-I have to be strong for my husband
-I know that some people love me
-I was given a promising new protocol from the RE
-Gabe and I get to spend many hours alone together driving
-The RE's office is supposed to call today to answer my long list of questions
-Some (just some, can't smile too big) of the bills were covered by insurance
-I bought some new throw pillows for the couch
-I scored a great parking spot at TJ's at 5:30 p.m.
-I have great internet friends who have offered to donate meds to me once again
-I am alive
-I love my house
-I love my cats
-Susie left me the funniest voice message
-I spent a day with my Grammy, Mom, and Elianna
-Elianna's smiles are contagious
-Even if we don't have biological children, some how we WILL be parents. In my heart I truly believe this.
10 hours ago