Just Can't Shake Her

My old friend infertility. I still consider myself infertile, for some reason I can't shake that bitch of a friend. I still catch myself avoiding pregnant women, or people chatting about their little ones. I find it hard to think too far ahead and to make happy plans for our future. I find I still relate so much more to infertiles than I do pregnant women. I am still jealous of pregnant women, and I am one of them. This bitch really screwed me up and I truly despise her for what she has done to me.

I have waited for this for so very long and now that it is here I am not allowing myself to fully enjoy it. I know why, it's because I am scared. Scared of yet another disappointment. Good things fertility wise just don't happen for me. I find myself saving for the thought of having to use our frozen embryos. What the heck is wrong with me? Don't get me wrong I have found these last few months to be some of the VERY best in my life, but not a day goes by that I don't wonder when the black cloud will come to visit. I don't want to be like this, I am trying so hard to shake her.

I want to be carefree and excited. Well, I am excited, but fear is always looming. Maybe it is somewhat normal or maybe I am nut, but I think she scarred me for life and has made me overly cautious. She has forever changed me. She made me bitter, angry, sad, depressed, fearful, and hopeless. I am glad that bitch is gone and I pray she never comes back to haunt me.

Although I truly hate her I also thank her. I thank her for allowing me to walk the path which in a way has made me a stronger and less naive woman. I thank her for showing me just what a special gift it is to be pregnant and not to take any moment of it for granted. I thank her for somehow strengthening my marriage, and giving my husband the strength and know how to support me. I thank her for leaving my life and making my dreams come true. I thank her most of all for the people who supported me, without you I couldn't have made it through some of those down right horrible days.

Now stay away my friend and don't ever come back. I also ask that you stay away from my friends. We have learned what we needed to learn and walked the path, now make our dreams come true. We deserve it!

Yesterday's statement to my dear dear husband at the end of a crazy day "I don't dread getting out of bed anymore, I don't even care what day of the week it is. Each day is wonderful and fantastic, I am so glad I am finally here."

The tears were worth it, the broken hearts were worth it, and that winding road seems bearable because it leads me right here to a love and a feeling I never thought I would get to get to (stealing the song again). I love you my sweet pumpkins more than you will ever understand, and not a day goes by that I don't realize what a miracle you both are. I know that I thank you countless times a day Lord, but thank you for blessing us with this miracle and thanks for forcing my friend to leave.


shawnandlarissa said...

I completely understand. I am so much happier and yet I feel weird talking about pregnancy. I feel like I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The Pifer's said...

I'm praying for you sweetie, I can't imagine how hard it is to just relax and enjoy it, we have been trying for 3+ years and when that times does come of us...I think (know) I will be the same...praying for you!


Christina said...

It takes a while for the pain to go away. I look back and wish I would of enjoyed my pregnancy more..I just always looked at my belly, and thought...wow, there are 2 babies in there. Im pregnant. Really? I worried about so much, everyday I woke up and thought something bad was going to happen. It sucks what IF can do to you. The only think I can say is there are a lot of us who know how you feel, and its ok to feel that way..but try your hardest to enjoy being pregnant..because you are, and your babies are healthy and happy in your belly. Hugs to you, take care of yourself!

Ryan and Stuart said...

Great post! Even though our little one is here, I still have many of the same feelings you described. IF lingers, that's for sure, but try not to let it rob you of one ounce of the joy of pregnancy!

twondra said...

Awwwww, what a beautiful post and spoken from the heart. Thanks so much for sharing! (((HUGS)))

Two Little Bugs and a Bichon said...

I couldnt agree more with your post. Even though my twins are here, my brain still goes to the dark thoughts that come with IF. And then I have to remind myself I have two beautiful babies!! I know, crazy huh??!!