Nerves and Fears

Dog for Sale, Free Dog, Will Pay You to Take Dog

What is up with this destructiveness? It is almost as if he knows his life is about to completely change, so he is just trying to say "here Mom... take that for wanting to change my life and take the spotlight off of me!" They were both doing pretty well for while, but lately little guy is destroying really random things. Today it was two pens and yesterday it was hot roller clips, the day before was yet another baby toy. What gives?

The nerves are really sinking in. I got a Private Message on FF from a Mama of twins, hers are now three weeks old and she told me how great it is now that they have some sort of routine down. She also mentioned how hard the first couple of weeks were. She said there were times that her and her DH just looked at each other and asked what they had gotten themselves into. I am dreading that. I know it is going to happen, I just don't want it to.

I can totally handle a lack of sleep, I am not big on sleep and I am not a napper, but that is one thing that Gabe is not good at. He needs his sleep and he is grouchy if he doesn't get it. Most Tuesdays he goes into work an hour and a half early, and most Tuesdays when he comes home an hour and a half early he needs an hour and a half nap or the remainder of the night he is a grouch.

For when he goes back to work I was thinking of a schedule where maybe he takes 8 pm to 10 pm and lets me sleep, then I take 10 pm to 5 am, and he takes 5 am to 7 am. That way he is insured a good solid 7 hours and I am insured a good 4 hours, with hopefully a couple hours in between somewhere.

I can't quite pinpoint my biggest fear, but I think it is the fear that I won't be a good Mom, and I won't be able to show them both how much they mean to me. How can I spread myself equally between two newborns? How can we financially provide for both? How can I keep from stressing over the little things?

Another big fear is PPD. I have read that it is worse for those with multiples and even more so for those who were on fertility treatments. Lets face it, I am already slightly depressed right now with being on bedrest and fearing for the health of my boys, will it just magically go away when the boys get here? I am so not one of those who will hide it and try to fix it myself, if I feel not right I would hope that I will be the first to acknowledge it, and seek help with drugs, Tom Cruise can bite me! But then again I am not sure if I remember what it feels like to not feel anxious or depressed. Sounds sad, but so true. For years my life revolved around fertility treatments, which made me feel both anxious and depressed. Then once I got pregnant I was in constant fear of losing my boys, which again made me feel anxious and depressed. So what the hell am I supposed to feel? I am not sure if that person who isn't anxious and depressed exists anymore, and if she does, will I recognize her? Honestly maybe she doesn't exist, maybe it is yet another thing that IF has taken from me. If she does still exist, I can't wait to be reacquainted with her. She was happy, fun, and easy going. I think I saw glimpses or her at early stages in my pregnancy, so I sure hope she finds her way back. But if I remember correctly she also shopped too much, and carried balances on credit cards. I sure hope she grew out of that.

Another fear is breastfeeding for twins. Ahhhhhhhhh the horror stories! Seriously I have not had one person say that breast feeding is easy, but yet here I sit convinced that I am going to do it. I have been told over and over that both boys need to eat at the same time. I get this, but it seems so hard to get them both to latch on and feed at the same time. I so want to breastfeed, and I know it is hard, but I am up for the challenge. I think... I just hope my supply is up for the challenge.

Can someone please pass on their MoM (Mother of Multiples) super powers to me for the first few weeks until I acquire my own?

Can I do this? Holy crap, I am going to have TWO babies! I guess I just realized this! Please give me a pat on the back because yesterday for the first time I took tags off clothes and washed them. Just a few things, I couldn't go getting all crazy, but I did remove some tags off the newborn stuff. For me it was a big accomplishment.


BB said...

Oh hon... you have done such a great job caring for your dudes thus far that I doubt you are going to have any trouble later! I know it is easier said than done, but I feel like within a short time of adjustment, you will be rocking with your new big family! You inspire me with your patience! Thank you for your support in this new journey of mind!

Joy said...

Congratulations for removing tags and allowing yourself the normal mom-to-be fears of how the adjustments of the first weeks are going to go:-)!!

At the beginning you will feel like it takes three sets of hands to get them both latched, then you get more comfortable/confident and their neck control improves. Get a good nursing pillow and experiment with different positions.

You both will do great, just remember to take lots of pictures the first weeks fly.

Petersen Family said...

As a mother of twins....trust me when I say that the time at the beginning is so tiring, nerve racking, overwhelming, and other adjectives...but I wish I would have enjoyed it more. I will have three year olds soon and I am shocked. Where did three years go? So take pictures, journal, blog(I didn't start my blog until there were six months old...mistake on my part, but my brain was not working correctly)

Also....I can promise that the time that you feel like you can;t divide evenly between the both of them will work out evenly in more ways than one. One of them will be your early riser(but be a great napper) while the other one will not be a great napper, but sleep in. You will see how everyday..you will get some special time with each of them.

Twins is(or is it are?) the greatest!

Christina said...

To survive the first few weeks.

Buy 2 miracle blankets. We used blankets to swaddle them the first week, and was so pissed off at myself for not buying them sooner. (if you don't have them, and don't want to pay for them, I might have mine if you need them.)

Make sure you have 2 swings..mine slept in swings, and only swings or our chest for the first month.

As far as breast feeding...I'll encourage you to try it, but if you don't feel like you like it, and need to give it up, don't feel like your going to scare your kids for life..I quit after 3 months. Its tough bfing multiples. Some can do it, some can't. You'll still be a good Mom if you don't.

PPD. I got it, and got it bad. At the first sign of it, please, please don't sit around like I did for a month and wait to go to the doctor...get in there, and get medicated!!! Life was better once I did that.

Your life is going to be flipped upside down. For the better of course, but the first few weeks are TOUGH. But like me, you have a great support system in DH, and that is the most important thing. You guys stick together, laugh when you want to cry, even if its at 2am, and you haven't been to bed yet. If you think you can't get through it..just think this to shall pass. Your going to be a great Mom. The first few weeks are what we call "survival mode." Do what you guys need to do to sleep, let them sleep in car seats if they want. You'll have plenty of time to bond with them, and all that once you all wake up from your sleep induced haze..lol.
Its tough girl, but you know what? If I can do it, anyone can. I was so depressed..it was scary. I questioned my IVF, I questioned why I "rushed" things. But we made it. And the girls are 17 months old and thriving!!!! You can, and will do this. Look at what you've done to get here?? Your already an inspiration to so many. :)

Mimi said...

Oh honey, I am right behind you. I am scared to death!!! Look what we went through to have these babies and now we are train wrecks. Well, at least I am! I am scared of everything. I am not excited at all. Maybe a little here and there. I don't want to buy anything. I freak out up until my appointments. Well,the doppler is helping ease that a little. I hear every word you are saying and I do believe it is totally normal! It better be! Ha!


Jess said...

You are going to have enough love in your heart to care for both babies and YOU'RE GOING TO BE AN AMAZING MOM! You've been on bedrest dreaming about them and loving them so much that once you see them, your heart is going to burst with love...I just know it! I have no doubt that you will be the best mama! I also have high expectations for your DH! Your little boys are going to be so lucky to have you both as parents as you will both be lucky to have them as children!

YAY...take those tags off and wash their outfits because you my friend are going to have TWO babies!


Meant to be a mom said...

I think its perfectly normal to worry about all the things that are bothering you. But I have a feeling things will fall into place easier than you think. And your babies will know you love them both so much.

twondra said...

Oh sweetie. I know I don't have any words of wisdom or experience but I'm sure what you're feeling is completely natural and I'm sure it's okay! I wish there was something I could do to help you. I'm always here to listen! :) (((HUGS)))

Ryan said...

You will be a fabulous Mom!!! Although we didn't have twins, I second the miracle blanket suggestion. We LOVED it! Also, the swing was key. Evie slept in it the first few weeks. As for PPD - you're right it's higher after fert. treatments and for MoMs. I asked Stuart to always let me know how he thought I was doing. So, maybe Gabe can learn the signs and look out for them. Also, keep in mind that it will take time to feel like yourself again. It's been 6 months and I am just starting to feel normal again. It can take a while. Your body has been through a lot, so give it some time. Hugs to you.

Hernandez Clan said...

Congrats hunny on taking them tags off and washing some of them clothes! Good job! As far as being a mom of twins I can't even begin to wonder what it is like, but I am a mom of multiple KIDS so don't worry all your worries are not unwarranted. Its always tiring, stressful and at times you wonder IF you can do it all. I strongly believe you are the PERFECT person to be a mom to twins. You have more patience than anyone I know, you are kind, caring and although times come when you are unsure as to whether or not you are the SAME person that you once were I think these boys being born will bring that back. Slowly, but they will bring it back. I adore you so much and I look up to you for all you have done and gone through I am sure I will ALSO look up to your mothering abilities as well ;)

You got this Tiff, you and Gabe make an awesome team and I am sure this life changing experience will just make that even more apparent, even though there will be rough days :)