I am not one for laying low or being lazy, this is very hard for me. I look around the house at things that could be done and then think of places I could go. I never thought I would say this, but I WANT to go to work. I want to be around people and I want to leave this house.
I know I am doing what I have to do and I know that I am doing what is best for the boys, but it is hard. It is hard to just lay here and think about what is going on. I am scared, scared for my boys lives. My boys which we have worked so hard for, my boys who mean so very much to me, my boys which we love so much already.
I want so bad to wake up and have my happy pregnancy back. I want to get dressed in my maternity clothes and glow. I want to go shopping and have strangers admire my belly. I want to buy things for my boys. I want to take a baby moon to a beach. I want to take maternity photos.
My boys have no matching clothes and I can't shop nor do I feel comfortable doing it. All we are doing is buying time before they come. I pray constantly for them to stay put for at least 10 more weeks.
I feel like wonderful pieces of my precious pregnancy have been taken away. The pregnancy we worked so hard for is now not the same. I am nervous to shop for the boys, nervous to think of names, nervous to think of decorating the room, nervous to put the other crib together, and nervous to picture them here.
We were again dealt some crappy cards, and it isn't fair. I don't want to be in constant fear for the boys life. I don't want to analyze every twinge I feel. I don't want to be considered high risk. I just want my boys to be safe and I want to enjoy this pregnancy.
1 day ago