5.22.2009

Tired of This Sofa Already

I am not one for laying low or being lazy, this is very hard for me. I look around the house at things that could be done and then think of places I could go. I never thought I would say this, but I WANT to go to work. I want to be around people and I want to leave this house.

I know I am doing what I have to do and I know that I am doing what is best for the boys, but it is hard. It is hard to just lay here and think about what is going on. I am scared, scared for my boys lives. My boys which we have worked so hard for, my boys who mean so very much to me, my boys which we love so much already.

I want so bad to wake up and have my happy pregnancy back. I want to get dressed in my maternity clothes and glow. I want to go shopping and have strangers admire my belly. I want to buy things for my boys. I want to take a baby moon to a beach. I want to take maternity photos.

My boys have no matching clothes and I can't shop nor do I feel comfortable doing it. All we are doing is buying time before they come. I pray constantly for them to stay put for at least 10 more weeks.

I feel like wonderful pieces of my precious pregnancy have been taken away. The pregnancy we worked so hard for is now not the same. I am nervous to shop for the boys, nervous to think of names, nervous to think of decorating the room, nervous to put the other crib together, and nervous to picture them here.

We were again dealt some crappy cards, and it isn't fair. I don't want to be in constant fear for the boys life. I don't want to analyze every twinge I feel. I don't want to be considered high risk. I just want my boys to be safe and I want to enjoy this pregnancy.

3 comments:

Meant to be a mom said...

I just wanted to stop by and tell you that I was on a friends blog and she mentioned that you are needing prayers and some encouragement. My prayers are with you and your sweet little boys. I can only imagine that the sofa is boring and wears on you fast but just keep those babies in your head and its all worth it.
We are thinking of you guys.

Hernandez Clan said...

I want to tell you that you are a strong momma. Strongest I know. You are going to make it, they will make it and then the day they are born RC and I will go shopping for all the baby boy matching clothes we can find and have them laying on your porch :)

Joy said...

Praying hard and giving thanks that the need for a cerclage was found in time. Stock up on guilty pleasure books and magazines, and know that there are many, many people praying for you and your boys.

BTW I like the Aidan spelling.