5.28.2009

Afraid

I feel afraid. It feels similar to the spot where I have been stuck between embryo transfer and the pregnancy test. The spot where you want to be hopeful, you have every reason to be hopeful, but large parts of you won't allow yourself to think too far ahead because nothing is set in stone and you are trying to prepare yourself for heartache. Yup, I am feeling that feeling again right along with Kami.

We got good news yesterday so I should be happy right? I am happy, but I am scared. I allowed myself to ever so slightly google cerclage and twins... I didn't read far and in fact most of what I read was good positive stories. I swear I only read a few and then reminded myself that it was a very bad idea.

I am now afraid to prepare for the boys. I want SO bad to prepare, but I can't. The crib mattresses came yesterday (thanks to my MIL) and Gabe put together the other crib and all I felt was afraid. I hate this. I feel like huge parts of my joyous pregnancy has been ripped from me. And while I feel that my boys are strong and that "we got this" I just must protect myself and everyone else. What can I do to make this feeling go away? Why do I do this? Make it go away! I want to smile all day long everyday again.

Oh and BTW, HUGE THANKS for the ad clicks!!!! We made three bucks just yesterday alone!!! Yahooo!!!

6 comments:

Hernandez Clan said...

Hey Tiff-

I went through this AFTER rian was born. The fear of losing him, not knowing him, coming so far and only feeling dread because for two weeks he couldnt even breathe on his own...what I did...and what you might do...is start to focus on today.

TODAY put the mattresses in. Today, buy an outfit. Think of the fact that today you need to enjoy today and if you stop looking to tomorrow or two weeks from now or the delivery day you won't dread that it will never come.

Once i only focused ont he task at hand with Rian it all worked out. My stress was there, my concerns were there, but I was more concerned with focusing on the NOW. FOcus on the belly kicks. Doing ONE load of laundry. Its preparation sure. but it is in small doses.

Other mommies in your position may have better advice, since our situations were different but it all relies on hope and being scared to have it...so it might just work.

Fullers1006 said...

I have been following your blog for a while and I am praying for you! I remember going through this when I was pregnant. It seemed like one complication after another. In the end everything was perfect and my prayer is the same for you! I truly hope and pray that you will have a peace and everything will go smoothly!!!

Ashley said...

IF takes away the lightheartedness of pregnancy...try to enjoy each day and stay positive! ((HUGS))

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

tiffany-im so glad to hear the appt went well and the cerclage is doing its job!!

as far as putting things off, id say, dont! if you feel like shopping for outfits, do it! if you feel like putting the room together, do it! those boys will be born healthy, im sure of it!

twondra said...

Oh, sweetie...I can't imagine how scary it is. Especially going through IF and all the expenses and stuff. You just want everything to go perfect. I'm thinking of you! (((HUGS)))

Meant to be a mom said...

I don't know how to tell you to fix the worries and fear. I too have that sinking worried feeling every day. I wish it would go away also. I just want to be a normal pregnancy and be excited without much worry but thats impossible for us ivf'ers. I just want you to know I completely understand how you feel. I can't wait until my little baby boy is out and safe and then I will have to worry about the life outside the womb. I guess its true, Once you become a parent the worry never stops from concieving until you die. Yikes.