6.29.2009

In Case You Think I am Unaware

In case you think I am unaware of my reality, I am not! This is the first time I have received a comment that has prompted me to create a post. I just need you all to know that I am in NO way living in a dream cloud, I am fully aware of the obstacles we face.

Believe me, I cry almost hourly about what we are facing, and while I may blog about missing out on shopping or how messy my house is those are nothing compared to the fear I have for the health of our boys or the fear I have numerous times a day that maybe I am going into pre-term labor.

I am a confessed googleholic and I am aware that my boys will not go home until around their due date, I am also fully aware that they may not make it. I am all too aware of the reality and many times I feel my research makes me too aware and pessimistic.

I clearly stated in my post that I had time to pack a bag for the boys, I know our reality more than likely includes a lot of time in the hospital, I am not being naive, but I am trying to be optimistic and hold on to some sense of a normal pregnancy. What is so wrong with me wanting to have going home outfits for my boys? I am sorry, but if my boys are in the NICU I don't think I would feel compelled to go out shopping for them, I would rather be with them. Why not purchase a going home outfit for them online so I have it? Am I supposed to ignore preparing for them? I was already told I could not go to childbirth classes, so right there I am unprepared and it bothers me. If you don't know me... I am a planner and not one detail goes unturned with me.

I know the comment was not meant to be rude, and I apologize if I am coming off rude, but I want my readers to know that I AM fully aware of the road in store for us, I am not trying to cover up our new reality. I know the boys cannot wear clothes in the NICU, but I was told that they could have a blanket that smells like us, and yes thinking of pacifiers was probably a premature thought.

I am aware that I may not hold my babies when they are born, and I am aware that their delivery may not be tears of happiness, but sometimes I choose to keep pushing forward, not think about bad outcomes, and hope for the very best for our family.

Again I am sorry if this comes off bad, I blame hormones and emotion fueling the post.

20 comments:

Dancer4_1 said...

Awe Tiff you stay strong and keep that positive outlook if that is what gets you through than so be it!! We are here to listen(well read) and support you! I am sorry things are crappy, but you are so strong and the boys are strong fighters too! You have great support from family(and us here!) You write what you need to..we are wishing we could go on shopping sprees and we are looking forward to seeing the coming home outfits...and guess what eventually they will need them cause those boys are COMING HOME!!!
Stephania!(FF)

Sarah Orr said...

Wow! Don't even let that comment get to you like that! That person has some nerve! You have been doing exactly what you should be, and that is focusing on the positive! You have every right to want to buy them going home outfits! That is part of the fun and excitement of welcoming the precious angels home! Seriously, what kind of person would you be if u didn't take the time to be excited about all the cute outfits you can dress them in and planning their nursery and thinking about all the wonderful moments you'll share. I know the situation you are in is very scary and depressing but I would be seriously worried about you if you weren't thinking about outfits and what to bring to the hospital, etc. No one can make it through life only focusing on the negative!! Of course you have to keep reality in mind but you and the boys seem to be doing great and the more you believe that everything will be ok, the more encouragement that gives them to! Sounds silly but I believe it's true and I know they pick up on our emotions in the womb. Whenever I'm upset my baby girl goes nuts, moving all around! Keep doing what you are doing! You ate doing great! Try not to let comments like that get you down! And by the way, you look fantastic!

twondra said...

Oh, sweetie, I think nothing of what you've written! You've always thought of the boys first and foremost! And you've always made that clear.

Obviously that commenter has been a nurse, but not a carrier of twins or on bedrest....that sounds pretty obvious. And obviously just came across your blog as she said as she doesn't know you like we do.


we love you Tiff!! (((HUGS)))

Jess said...

I'm shaking...that lady has some nerve to say that to you! We all know that your first concern are your precious little boys and in the grand scheme of things, you could care less about anything else but your humane and you have the right to feel overwhelmed...you are on bed rest...you have nothing to do but think! I bought a preemie outfit for my niece because I wanted her to have something to be born in and I'm not sorry that I bought it for her even though she will never wear it.

I admire you and think you are a strong woman and I know deep in my heart that you will all be okay, I pray for you all the time! Forget her and her stupid comment! She is a nurse and that has left her cold and bitter...thank God she has never been in our shoes.

Love you guys!

Polly Gamwich said...

((hugs Sweetie))

I think you have every right to mourn the loss of a "normal" pregnancy ... which to me is what you were doing??!? ... And to plan for the BEST! I don't think that's weird or nuts or anything.

Just know that we're here for you and praying for those precious babies you are caring for ... while you continue your very difficult journey!

Hugs again,
Polly

G & H said...

I think it is so wonderful to be a planner and be optimistic so yeah for you I say...You are so awesome and I can only imagine the fears in your mind ( the dumb dr google brings to all of us) can be so painful everyday but you are wonderful and awesome and i think having the best outlook you can is the way to go!

G & H said...

I think it is so wonderful to be a planner and be optimistic so yeah for you I say...You are so awesome and I can only imagine the fears in your mind ( the dumb dr google brings to all of us) can be so painful everyday but you are wonderful and awesome and i think having the best outlook you can is the way to go!

G & H said...

I think it is so wonderful to be a planner and be optimistic so yeah for you I say...You are so awesome and I can only imagine the fears in your mind ( the dumb dr google brings to all of us) can be so painful everyday but you are wonderful and awesome and i think having the best outlook you can is the way to go!

Ashley said...

I found your blog through The Pifers. I just want you to know I am praying for you.

Prayers,
Ashley

Anonymous said...

Ya know what, this is your blog, that gives you the right to complain, worry, be happy, be scared, whatever you feel!! You have every reason to be hopeful, prepare for the worst and hope for the best!!

Keep your head up!!

Laura

PS: babies can have clothes in the NICU after a few weeks, they just need to have buttons so the wires can fit through, no zippers!!

Meant to be a mom said...

You should most definitely not be apologizing! I'm more than sure that you are facing such scary, difficult realities every day and the worries that your enduring through all of this is already to a ten I'm sure.
I personally don't see anything wrong with you venting out the little normal wants that you feel like your missing out on during your pregnancy. I don't think all people understand what your going through. Those people who are not on bedrest, who get to go shopping and show off there prego belly to strangers all around town, Who get to work on the nursery. They don't understand that your scared out of your mind for your boys, upset and hormonal and on top of all of those huge fears your also missing out on the joyous parts of the pregnancy.
You have every right to want all good things in this and worrying yourself even more is just silly. Your doctors will keep you up on what you need to know about your pregnancy. The worrying and stress only puts you at a higher risk of early labor. So you just hang in there, and know that I and I know many other girls are praying so much for you and for your babies that not only do they stay in as long as possible but that God watches over them and keeps them safe so that they can come home with you and your husband. Please don't let anyone upset you. All these people have there own opinions but your dealing with allot. You need support and help through this. And I'm sure that your fully aware of the different things you need to be worried or ready for.
Keep staying strong.

The Pifer's said...

You stay strong sweetie! I am here for you, support you, and I am praying for you day in and day out! Love you lots!

Ryan said...

You are doing great and I think your positive attitude will go a long way to bringing home healthy babies. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

I love you Strawberry!

Love, MOM

Helene said...

I'm sorry someone's comment got to you. Why do other people think it's okay to rain on someone else's parade???

I think for everything you've been through, you deserve to focus on the excitement, the joy and the happiness of what lies ahead for you and your family. From what I remember you also conceived your twins on your 3rd IVF....you've already had your fair share of ups and downs, frustrations, sadness and a broken heart most of the time. I've been there myself so I totally know.

But you're now on the other side of the fence....you can now cry tears of happiness that you will get to finally realize your dream of being a mom instead of crying tears of sadness over yet another loss or failed cycle.

Shop your little heart out...imagine those little guys wearing the outfits you're purchasing for them...imagine how they'll look sleeping in the cribs you've set up for them in the nursery. You need to focus on all the positive things right now....anyone who's pregnant with multiples knows the risks...we know our babies may be born early...we know what our children may have to endure as a result of that. But that doesn't stop us from wanting to do the same thing that every other pregnant woman gets to do.

When each set of my twins were in the NICU, I was allowed to bring clothes from home that I had bought for them or that we had received at baby showers. Granted, all the preemie clothes were still too big on them but it was important for me that they wear those clothes. I just had to make sure they were easy to get on and off and that all the wires attached to the babies wouldn't get tangled up in the clothing. And most of the time they were tightly swaddled anyway but at least I knew that they were wearing the adorable one-sie that my grandma had sent, kwim?

You just keep on doing what you're doing....and don't let anyone tell you what's okay and what's not okay. Just enjoy every minute of this and treasure it for what it is, which I know you're doing.

I wish I had saved more of the little twins clothes from when they were newborns because I would've been more than happy to send it all to you. So many cute outfits that they each wore maybe 2-3 times only!! I do have a few double strollers I'd be happy to give to you, if you ever need those. Trust me, you'll collect all kinds of double strollers over the next few years....double jogging strollers, side-by-side strollers, tandem strollers...the list is endless!

Jamie said...

Oh lord.. .like infertility didn't stress us out and make us worry ENOUGH someone goes and continues to treat us like we are stupid. We are not. I HOPE and pray your babies are healthy. Its what you have rightfully earned.

Faith said...

I don't think your post came off as rude at all and I hope you understand that my comment was not meant to be mean. At first I wasn't even going to say anything but I felt that it was important.

I work in a major medical center in Chicago. I have seen a lot.
-I took care of a baby whose mom boarded a plane in preterm labor.
-A husband drove his wife (a long distance) to the hospital while she was in preterm labor instead of calling an ambulance.
In those instances I wished I had been there to encourage them to make different decisions.
That is the same feeling I had when I stumbled onto your blog. I felt that saying something might help you and your boys. If there was any way I could encourage you to stay the course, I felt that I needed to do it.

Please understand that I was not saying that you should not buy things for your boys. I was simply stating that they don't need anything but your continued bed rest. I don't think there is anything wrong with you buying things - only with you compromising your bed rest to buy them. In no way did I think that you should not have hope for your boys and I am very sorry that I came across that way. I have hope for the vast majority of the babies that I take care of. (Please understand that there are very rare cases that preclude me from saying all.) I know that I could not personally do my job day after day if I did not have hope.

I would encourage you to only take into the NICU those things that you are not completely attached to. Some things are lost even though we try very hard not to. I would not take any blankets or clothing items that are white. This will greatly increase their chance of being lost.

Any clothes or blankets you take must be washed first in a detergent specific for babies. (Because of the increased risk of infection, I personally wouldn't sleep with anything intended for the babies at least until they are stable enough to hold.)

I would encourage you to contact the NICU your boys might be in to find out their exact restrictions on what you can bring in. (I have had some bad experiences with things that an OB has said are OK.) While on the phone with the NICU I would encourage you to get the visiting policies. Also, it might be beneficial to ask if they have any additional helpful information.

Many parents like to put a picture or two of themselves into the isolette. Please don't take your only/favorite/irreplaceable copy. You may want to have it laminated or put it in some sort of sheet protector as it will get a lot of wear and tear. Many parents like to have some sort of religious item or prayer card on/in the isololette. You might also want to make some sort of name card. The NICU will have a "hospital looking" one but I've seen some really cute ones that parents made. You might want to include the meanings of the names or any scriptures or prayers.

No stuffed animals are allowed in the NICU that I work in for infection control purposes. We only allow hard plastic toys that can be cleaned.

One very popular item in the NICU is the "heartbeat box." We put them in the isolettes to help calm the baby. They come inside the "Original Slumber Bear" from Target. (I'm sure you can find it other places.) The box is removable and cleanable.

Faith said...

(My comment was too long and blogger would not let me post the rest)

For you...people already mentioned the most important thing - Chap Stick. Besides that your own pads are also a great thing. Your own toilet paper is a great idea. I have never heard of that but it makes complete sense.

I would encourage you to bring lots of socks and panties that you don't mind throwing out. To be blunt...you bleed a lot after delivery. The hospital will of course have these for you but I think it is nicer to bring your own. (Btw...hospital panties (where I work) are like fishnet underwear...very strange...and then you try to stick a pad to them??...who thought that up?)

You might not want to wear your nice nightgown or house shoes until you've had a shower and are familiar with your amount of blood flow.

Someone already mentioned candy to suck on. You might want to throw in some granola bars or something for midnight cravings after delivery. (As an aside…no matter how hungry you are after delivery, do not scarf your food down…you will end up with a rhyming word outcome. Trust me.)

It is not a bad idea to throw in an extra outfit for your husband...delivery (and babies for that matter, especially little boys) can be very messy.

A phone list or perhaps a call tree. In the heat of the moment you don't want to over look anyone.

A hot water bottle or heating pad that you might especially like. (Again, available from the hospital but yours is free.) (Speaking of free…you mentioned in one post that money is tight right now…you may want to contact the hospital you might deliver at and ask if they will work with you. They might have a list of supplies that you can bring in yourself to save some money. Who wants to pay a ton of money for bad pads and crazy panties anyway??)

A watch that has a glow in the dark option. Birth and the days following can be very disorienting. It is helpful to know what day and time it is. It is also important for if you will be pumping for the boys.

Speaking of breastfeeding/pumping...if it is something you want to do I would encourage you to read up on it as much as possible. Know which pump you want if you end up needing to buy one. You will have everything you need in the hospital to get started but make sure you already know what to do after you get home.

That is everything I can think of off the top of my head. I sincerely hope you make it to near term and you don’t have to think about the NICU at all.

Anonymous said...

Hey Tiffany dont worry about the NICU cause your not going there! Aaden and Noah babies are coming home, and they are going to be perfect just like their mother. Remember I am taking pictures of you coming out of the hospital smiling that smile I love to see on your face when your so so excited holding a boy in each arm!!! Love you baby girl......Love MOM

MoDLin said...

I totally understand your reaction and your post. But I also appreciate Faith's comments here and her many suggestions. Stay cool, hang tough, make plans while you wait. Your little boys have an amazing mom and you have loads of support from all of us.