6.16.2009

I Must Vent

I am not sure how to approach this vent, because I don't want to sound un-grateful for all that we have been blessed with. But I know that I MUST vent before I blow up any further. I cannot vent to Gabe because it will make things worse, he is doing his best and I owe him big time.

In the past I have struggled, while infertility has been my hardest struggle, today I am struggling, but in completely different way.

The comments are driving me crazy... Oh relax and enjoy your time to rest. Must be nice to watch movies all day. At least you get paid something to do nothing. Lucky you, no chores.

I am sorry, but I am not lucky, it is NOT nice, and I am about to go nuts. I am thinking I might have some form of OCD... because my blood boils as I look around my house and can do nothing about it. Please help... WHAT DO I DO? How can I just let it go?

People keep offering to stop by with lunch or to come by and keep me company, and while I find that super sweet of them... I am embarrassed to let them in my house. How do you ask someone to instead please just come sweep my floor? And duh... of course I can't ask that because again I am embarrassed of my messy house and my piles of laundry.

There is stuff everywhere and I feel I added that fuel to the fire. I thought having Elianna here to help out and keep me company was going to be helpful... WRONG. It made it worse, she comes with her own messes, griping when I ask for help, and complaining about being bored. I am sorry to say, but thank goodness she is going home tonight when Gabe gets home.

Gabe is trying... I know he is, but anyone who knows my husband already knows that he has too much on his plate. So take his plate, and my plate.... something has got to give, and IT HAS!

Saturday I begged my Mom to take a rag to the baseboards in my bathroom... thank goodness she did, but I have 45 trivial things that mean nothing to most, but are in fact driving me bonkers. If I could just have one hour in my house and one afternoon out of the house to run errands things would be better.

Tonight Gabe will take Elianna home, then Costco, then the grocery store. Last night he had to bartend and we can't sacrifice that because lord knows we need the money. We have so much we wanted to accomplish right now and the fact is we can't even keep up with the everyday stuff. It is sad to admit, but I never realized all that I did. And did I fail to mention that I rarely see Gabe, and if I do... he is doing stuff around here.

I busted my ass the few weeks before the cerclage was placed. I cleaned out every closet, scrubbed behind everything in my house and cleaned and organized the garage from top to bottom. Wouldn't ya know it... the closets are again un-organized, and the garage looks like a cat box blew up in it.

What do I do? How do I learn to let it go? Is it OCD? Am I a control freak? I know that I must stay down and I will, I will do ANYTHING for these boys, but what can I do to get past this and not focus on the little things. Ugh... just realized our bed sheets need washed BAD. I just can't possibly ask Gabe for another thing, I am afraid he might blow at any minute too. HELP, I am depressed and stressed and it is not good for our boys.

*Update* We had a housekeeper come and I was dissapointed. Money is super tight right now and she didn't do a good enough job to justify the cost. Not to mention my biggest problem is the day to day stuff. Doing laundry, putting it away, keeping up with dishes, feeding the pets, grocery shopping, errands, picking up stuff around the house, cooking (these boys are becoming WAY to familiar with fast food), and keeping things organized. We plan to give it another go next week just to clean the bathroom and mop the floors.

*Another update* Maybe some of this is hormones, because I am VERY short tempered with the dogs and Elianna today. Gosh I better go apologize... I just yelled and kicked everyone out of my room. That was mean!

19 comments:

BB said...

I am so sorry sweetie. I guess I am a control freak too and I can imagine what you must be going through! I am not sure if this well help... but may be you can try meditating? Its supposed to help you relax and calm down... may be that will ease your anxiety a little and it does not really need any physical efforts... I guess that wont fix (house)things though. I know things are tight, but could you get in a maid once a month or so too clean up... will ease your hubs efforts too!

Joy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joy said...

Firstly remember you are working hard, you are growing, nourishing and sheltering two babies!!

Secondly: Think honestly about those offers of help from your friends, who might happily throw in a load of laundry and fold together with you. I bet most of your friends can easily see past the piles to the amazing miracle happening in your home right now.

So happy your cervix is back in the normal range!!!

KS said...

OMG! Your rant which by all means you deserve to have, made me laugh!! I would be the same way! I have no advice I can offer, just hang in as best you can...and you know what...when people pop over...if they want to help let them! All the best!

Andrea said...

((HUGS)) I am sorry you are feeling stressed about it all, and I would totally be too, if I were in your shoes.

I really have no advice for you, but just wanted to say that those comments are annoying, and I hope you feel better.

Jenn said...

Oh dear...you have a major case of being "cooped up"!!

The best advice I can give is to find someone else's couch to rest on. Go to a friend's house and "bedrest" on her couch/bed. Take someone up on her offer to help by having her get you the heck out of your environment. You'll appreciate your hubby and house much more in the end, especially if that person isn't as OCD in keeping their house like you!

You've got to get out of that house before you start asking hubby to use a butter knife to clean out between the cracks in the tile!! (smile)

I can only imagine how very "real" your frustrations are to you and wish there was something we could do to ease them. Just know that your blog friends are here to listen to all of your venting. If you can bring it, we can take it!!!

Xillary said...

I felt like that when I was resting from the embryo retrieval and that was only two days! Granted, my house is by no means "clean", but I like to do a couple of loads of laundry during the week to control the pile! I think if I was you, I'd make a plan to "spring clean" after the babies are born to get your house back in some order. Maybe it's a little preview of not having a perfect house with two more kids in the house (other than your husband):)

twondra said...

I can't imagine being on bedrest. I've had to lay in bed for 3 hours and I went crazy. I can't imagine having to go through what you go through. I wish I had words of encouragement. :(

Hernandez Clan said...

I have no words of encouragement that you haven't probably already heard. I am JUST as OCD and get JUST as stressed out when my house isn't to MY specs (and my floors are stained and my floorboards are dusty...but I still have my own criteria. LOL).

What you need to do for you is not be afraid to scream at the top of your lungs at yourself or to jot down all the things that bother you and vent that way, SHOOT I am more pleased to read this than to know you are holding ANYTHING inside.

Blah the comments that drive you nuts, I totally understand, I have probably told you some of those things. DOH. haha. BUT do know that we all totally understand your stress, how to relieve it? Uhm, I dunno. I say scream, talk to them boys in your belly. Make lists of things you want done and "leave them out for people to happen upon" and maybe visitors will get the hint. Hehe.

Just don't feel bad for feeling how you do. Its more than understandable (did I even spell that right).

Heather said...

Don't worry about the house. The most important thing is not having these boys born prematurely. It is much better sitting at home going stir-crazy, then sitting in the NICU with 2 preemies.

Just a little advice from a NICU nurse. Hang in there!

Meant to be a mom said...

I'm so sorry to hear that your having such a hard time. I just want you to know that I would think its completely normal to be lonely and bored out of your mind if you are stuck laying still every day unable to get up and do a thing. Your right, its not fun! Anyone who thinks it is should try being in your shoes. Worrying about your boys, Trying to stay healthy while being unable to get up and do anything. They just don't get it at all.
I'm very much like you, A busy body. Laying still for long periods or having nothing to do drives me CRAZY! I can only imagine what your going through.
I know this sounds corny but get movies, Organize old picture albums or do a scrapbook where you can still lay down. you can get cheep paper and glue at walmart and some fun scissors. Maybe get a coloring book? I know that sounds so corny and childish but if your out of ideas always resort to kid stuff that you can do while laying down.
I wish I could come over, clean your house and talk your ear off while I do it and keep you company. Leaving a clean place and you tired when I left. I hope things get better.
Hugs.

Ryan said...

Oh Tiff! :-( Although it's not exactly the same, when i was laid up with the broken ankle and couldn't get off the couch, I had a lot of the same thoughts/emotions/issues. The house was a disaster! I was so embarrassed to have anyone over and yet I was going stir crazy in the messy house with a newborn. All I can say, is I finally let my pride go and invited people over with the caveat that, "the house is a disaster." I know there were probably some of them that thought, holy cow! But, the company made SUCH a difference to my mental state. So, give it a try.

I was going to recommend the cleaner, but it sounds like you did that and it didn't work.

I am sorry sweetie! Hang in there!

Btw - sent you an email. I love, love, love the outfits!

Melissa Griffin said...

Tiff - you can complain all you want...I know I dont care...I can understand what you are feeling because a very close friend of mine went through the same thing...she is a NEAT FREAK and was Freaking out when she couldnt get on her hands and knees and clean etc..she wanted the house spotless when she had the baby and the sheets too to be cleaned etc...so you are certainly not alone and I am sure its soo boring to be alone all day and on bedrest...but...the house is going to get like that after the boys come so....I guess it is what it is..
It will get better...but remember you can always come here to vent..thats what its for right?!

Isaac Dakota said...

I can totally understand! I hate having things cluttered and not in their place on top of all the millions of things to do in keeping a house. I don't know you but if I lived closer I would volunteer to come over and pitch in.

The only suggestion I can offer is making some sort of a list/schedule for your hubby/family/friends. Maybe if you broke it into smaller chunks it would seem more manageable. Like: Monday and Friday is laundry day, Tuesday clean the bathroom, Wednesday and Saturday vacuum . . . and maybe have those things that don't take long and need to get done every day listed separately. They say that just making the bed (which is usually 70% of the space of your room) helps you feel like that room is clean. Of course, you may be laying on it so that might not be feasible. That's about all I have.

Hang in there! You know it will be worth it in the end.

Jess said...

Hugs! By no means do you have an easy life right now. You are in lock down in order to keep your babies safe and although it is the best thing in the world for them, you are paying the price. It is not fair that after trying for so long, you have to be on bedrest. My heart goes out to you...if I lived closer, I would do your "dirty" work! :)

I wish I had an answer for you but I don't because I'm a little OCD too. What if you found another maid that did a better job? I'm sure you thought of reading and watching movies but what if you made scrap books for the babies. You could design them and then just add pictures as they come. My mother made one that highlighted the first year of my husband's life and I love it. You can buy some inexpensive stuff at walmart.

I started your blog late and I can't seem to find out who Elianna is, sorry!

Anna said...

I think it's normal to feel this way, especially when you have to be on bed-rest and should absolutely not do anything too physical.
Do you have cousins or other close family members or friends that could take turn spending the day and helping you do the laundry and fold and sweep and dust and perhaps even cook once in a while.
Without begging, see if it's something they could do for you guys.

I noticed you are now 99 days away, so congrats on being in the double digits.
I really do hope and pray you get some help around the house from other members of your family or circle of friends.

All the best,
Anna

Christina said...

The only thing I can say is, hang in there. I would be feeling the same way. I would be going crazy, I would be screaming at people. Its ok. Take care of you and your baby boys. And if your not happy with the cleaning, can you call and get them to come back out? *hugs*

Sandy said...

I agree with PP you are doing a lot of hard work already.
You'll be able to get to the housework later just try to not notice it for now and i'm sure if anyone comes to your house they will understand and hopefully volunteer to help.
Big hugs.

Helene said...

I totally remember those days of bedrest and feeling like everything was out of control because I couldn't do anything to help around the house. I used to say "but I feel like I'm not doing anything" and my husband would remind me that I was doing the most important thing....growing healthy babies!

It's really hard to accept help and even harder to ask for it, as well. But if friends ask if they can come over to keep you company and ask if there's anything they can do, why not say "hey, would you mind sweeping the kitchen floor while we chat?". A true friend will think nothing of it.

Hang in there!!