I am not sure how to approach this vent, because I don't want to sound un-grateful for all that we have been blessed with. But I know that I MUST vent before I blow up any further. I cannot vent to Gabe because it will make things worse, he is doing his best and I owe him big time.
In the past I have struggled, while infertility has been my hardest struggle, today I am struggling, but in completely different way.
The comments are driving me crazy... Oh relax and enjoy your time to rest. Must be nice to watch movies all day. At least you get paid something to do nothing. Lucky you, no chores.
I am sorry, but I am not lucky, it is NOT nice, and I am about to go nuts. I am thinking I might have some form of OCD... because my blood boils as I look around my house and can do nothing about it. Please help... WHAT DO I DO? How can I just let it go?
People keep offering to stop by with lunch or to come by and keep me company, and while I find that super sweet of them... I am embarrassed to let them in my house. How do you ask someone to instead please just come sweep my floor? And duh... of course I can't ask that because again I am embarrassed of my messy house and my piles of laundry.
There is stuff everywhere and I feel I added that fuel to the fire. I thought having Elianna here to help out and keep me company was going to be helpful... WRONG. It made it worse, she comes with her own messes, griping when I ask for help, and complaining about being bored. I am sorry to say, but thank goodness she is going home tonight when Gabe gets home.
Gabe is trying... I know he is, but anyone who knows my husband already knows that he has too much on his plate. So take his plate, and my plate.... something has got to give, and IT HAS!
Saturday I begged my Mom to take a rag to the baseboards in my bathroom... thank goodness she did, but I have 45 trivial things that mean nothing to most, but are in fact driving me bonkers. If I could just have one hour in my house and one afternoon out of the house to run errands things would be better.
Tonight Gabe will take Elianna home, then Costco, then the grocery store. Last night he had to bartend and we can't sacrifice that because lord knows we need the money. We have so much we wanted to accomplish right now and the fact is we can't even keep up with the everyday stuff. It is sad to admit, but I never realized all that I did. And did I fail to mention that I rarely see Gabe, and if I do... he is doing stuff around here.
I busted my ass the few weeks before the cerclage was placed. I cleaned out every closet, scrubbed behind everything in my house and cleaned and organized the garage from top to bottom. Wouldn't ya know it... the closets are again un-organized, and the garage looks like a cat box blew up in it.
What do I do? How do I learn to let it go? Is it OCD? Am I a control freak? I know that I must stay down and I will, I will do ANYTHING for these boys, but what can I do to get past this and not focus on the little things. Ugh... just realized our bed sheets need washed BAD. I just can't possibly ask Gabe for another thing, I am afraid he might blow at any minute too. HELP, I am depressed and stressed and it is not good for our boys.
*Update* We had a housekeeper come and I was dissapointed. Money is super tight right now and she didn't do a good enough job to justify the cost. Not to mention my biggest problem is the day to day stuff. Doing laundry, putting it away, keeping up with dishes, feeding the pets, grocery shopping, errands, picking up stuff around the house, cooking (these boys are becoming WAY to familiar with fast food), and keeping things organized. We plan to give it another go next week just to clean the bathroom and mop the floors.
*Another update* Maybe some of this is hormones, because I am VERY short tempered with the dogs and Elianna today. Gosh I better go apologize... I just yelled and kicked everyone out of my room. That was mean!
3 days ago