Why Does it Hurt So Bad to Say No?

Last night was Monday night football at the Moose Lodge and DH was bartending. Everyone bring snacks, watches the game, and has a beer or two. I really wanted to get out of the house so I went down for a bit, being sure to be home in time for my shot.

While at the lodge I ended up chatting with I woman I had seen around, but had never really had a conversation with. She realized that the bartender was my DH and asked how long we had been married? I responded and then the next question was "do you guys have kids?" Why oh why oh why does this question hurt SO VERY bad? Why do I dread the question and why do I feel like a failure when I answer the obvious answer? Why do I feel I need to say more? This time I didn't say more... this time I just answered "no, not yet."

I know she had seen Elianna with us handfuls of times so I did tell her all about our little love bug and how she has been in our lives since she was less than a week old and how she has a room at our house, and how she lights up our lives. Maybe she is why when I answered "no, not yet," I felt like a liar. Because I guess in a way we do have kids, they just go home most weekdays and I didn't give birth to them. Maybe we are parents in our own ways. Even still... the question hurts, the question leaves me puzzled, and the question makes me wonder how to respond and how much to reveal. Many times I do reveal our struggle. I didn't used to, but I feel that I am strong enough now to share. However this time I decided not to because if this fails, it is just one more person I have to announce my failure to.

I sure can't wait until the day when I can answer "yes we do" and pull out that portfolio of adorable photos and I no longer have to announce my failures, but instead announce my ability to conquer our struggle.


Erin from Massachusetts said...

The fertile world has NO IDEA.

After living through this hel, I will NEVER, EVER ask anyone if they have children. It's just not my business.

I hate people sometimes.

Anonymous said...

We are looking for a new house...I was speaking to an agent on the phone today and he says, "Do you have kids?" and I said, "No." And he says, "Well, are going to??" And I was speechless for a second and then remembered that most people think that babies are created on demand and answered, "Well, we would like to." He was asking because he wanted to tell me how great the school district was, but man, what a moment of depression it created. I hear ya!

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

it will be so nice when we are able to reply yes! i can see myself jumping up and down and screaming at the top of my lungs when i am finally able to say that im pregnant. people may stare... that day will come for both of us!!

Shannon said...

I hear that... I too usually answer "no, not yet" and leave it at that and usually they don't ask anymore. I know God has a plan for us and I will be a mom one day, I just don't know when and in what way God is going to make it happen. Many people have never had to deal with infertility and it therefore doesn't even cross their minds that a couple could be having trouble. To them, you have sex during a fertile period, conceive, and 9 months later, a healthy baby is born. I am glad for them that they have never had to deal with infertility and/or miscarriages, it's not something I would wish on my worst enemy. In the end, though, I KNOW we will be better parents for what we have gone through! Hang in there! You're in my prayers for a positive (pun intended) outcome!