Last night was Monday night football at the Moose Lodge and DH was bartending. Everyone bring snacks, watches the game, and has a beer or two. I really wanted to get out of the house so I went down for a bit, being sure to be home in time for my shot.
While at the lodge I ended up chatting with I woman I had seen around, but had never really had a conversation with. She realized that the bartender was my DH and asked how long we had been married? I responded and then the next question was "do you guys have kids?" Why oh why oh why does this question hurt SO VERY bad? Why do I dread the question and why do I feel like a failure when I answer the obvious answer? Why do I feel I need to say more? This time I didn't say more... this time I just answered "no, not yet."
I know she had seen Elianna with us handfuls of times so I did tell her all about our little love bug and how she has been in our lives since she was less than a week old and how she has a room at our house, and how she lights up our lives. Maybe she is why when I answered "no, not yet," I felt like a liar. Because I guess in a way we do have kids, they just go home most weekdays and I didn't give birth to them. Maybe we are parents in our own ways. Even still... the question hurts, the question leaves me puzzled, and the question makes me wonder how to respond and how much to reveal. Many times I do reveal our struggle. I didn't used to, but I feel that I am strong enough now to share. However this time I decided not to because if this fails, it is just one more person I have to announce my failure to.
I sure can't wait until the day when I can answer "yes we do" and pull out that portfolio of adorable photos and I no longer have to announce my failures, but instead announce my ability to conquer our struggle.
2 days ago