Monday morning I was a wreck, an absolute wreck. I feared the ring of my phone. We were set to be at Stanford 9:10 for our transfer. Our biggest fear was that the blast wouldn't make it through the thaw, and in that case they would call to let us know we had no reason to come to the appointment. 7:30 went by, no call. 8:00, no call. 8:30 was my safe point. By 8:30 I figured that no news was good news.
We got to Stanford early, I was instructed to have a full bladder, and that I did. They let us in the room early and I couldn't help, but to ask the nurse if this meant we were for sure going to do a transfer, (I just had to hear it for myself). She assured me that we did have something to transfer. At that point I took a deep breath and was able to let my emotions coast for just a minute.
The coasting didn't last long. The RE came in and told us that the blast did in fact survive the thaw last night and was still growing. Unfortunately it went from a "perfect" blast to a "good" blast during the freeze. I was crushed for a minute, but then realized that I was blessed to even be transferring and to transfer a blast to boot. For so many infertile woman, even getting to the blast stage is a BIG deal.
The transfer went smooth. Our odds went from 80% (the perfect blast) to 50%. I will take it! 50% is much closer than 0%. I remained on strict bed rest Monday and Tuesday. I planned to go back into work today, but Kathy and Gretchen reminded me that loosing pay from not working today is NO WHERE near as important as giving this little embryo its very best chance, and I was told to be on 3 days of bed rest. So, here I am at home... ugggghhh.. I would feel so much better if I had some more sick or vacation time, but I have used almost all of it on appointments. So, hopefully this will all be worth it.
We have adopted a different attitude than last time. I would really like to be optimistic, but I just can't. Don't get me wrong, I am not being pessimistic, I am just being... hummmm.. realistic. 50%, is 50%. When we left the doctors office Gabe mentioned to me that he couldn't go through the pain of last time. I knew something was wrong, because he was more or less just emotionless. He told me that last time he was so sure it would work and when it didn't it just crushed him and he couldn't go through that pain again. So we won't. We won't anticipate, we won't plan... we will just take it one day at a time and be realistic. Realistic, because we DO have a 50% chance of it working.
We know that if it doesn't work this time, it is NOT the end. We are ready to get a loan or take from my retirement plan (much to my dismay) and jump RIGHT back on the coaster.
I have been hesitant to post a blog or to post these pictures (embryo is the white blob in the dark circle, it was much more noticable than last time maybe because last time we had an 8 cell embryo and this one is 112 cells). My heart is just unsettled right now. I am not sure what to feel, I want so bad to be excited, but I can't. It is hard to explain why I feel like that, but hearing Gabe say that really hit home. We have been through so much heartache that if I can save either of us any pain I will. But please don't think I am not hopeful, I am hopeful, but I am not going to start anticipating due dates or thinking of names.
I feel very blessed to have made it to the transfer and blessed that we have another shot. My mind is full of prayer it is hard to concentrate on anything else. But I will try, what is best now is to wait slightly hopeful, but yet realistically wait and keep occupied.
This weekend is Honey's first band gig! Yahhhooo! I am so excited for them and my talented husband. I will take some video and post it when I get around to it.
I am off to watch yet another movie on bed rest. I thought bed rest would be fun, but it is rather frustrating to look around at all the things I could be doing around my house. Oh well, hopefully it will all be worth it.
Thanks for your love and support and we will gladly take all the thoughts and prayers we can get.