But, I was prepared this time! This time...I had set myself up for the disappointment. This time, I didn't get my hopes up, this time it doesn't sting as much. My feelings were numbed, the bar was not set, and things were not planned. I went into this not thinking too far ahead and maybe it helped, maybe I am stronger, or just maybe all of this has hardened me and turned me into someone that shows a little less emotion.

The only thing standing in our way of moving forward is money. The doctor has told us that we can move onto another fresh cycle immediately. We really really want to move on. We have saved up a little over $3,000 for the possibility of moving forward, which is just a small drop in the bucket. Our running joke was that this money we saved was to be for a fence or a baby.

See, for those of you that have been to our new house you would have seen the dreaded fence. I have hated this fence since day one. Who builds a fence out of lattice? Yes, cheesy lattice fence which has now fallen down in places and is the ugliest thing ever. Many would think... just tear the fence down. Easier said than done. Remember our house is on a corner and backs up to an elementary school, so without a fence we would have 200 kids trampling in our yard twice a day. Looks like we are living with the fence for at least another year.

The other night Gabe and I were chatting and it struck me funny because my first thought was.... ahhhhh if I am pregnant, that means we can get a new fence! Hehehee, funny thought, but I was excited to think that and of course excited to think that we would be on a different journey. But that has been shot to heck... and we are left with a lattice fence, a little less hope, and broken hearts.

We knew we had a 50% shot, I guess it is safe to say we shouldn't head to Vegas anytime soon with our luck. I feel like a failure. This morning when Gabe left for work, I apologized to him for being broken. He wasn't too happy with me for the apology. But I am sorry! Sorry for being broken, sorry for using our savings, sorry for running out of vacation and sick time, and sorry that we both have to go through this.

We are VERY excited to be starting fresh and not on the study. See the study made us test the trial drug and follow their rules along the way. Who knows how good that drug was? That is why I feel we HAVE to try this again. Things will be different this time, we will be doing what is best for us. I am VERY optimistic about a fresh cycle and we have decided to be super aggressive this time. If we are blessed with lots of embryos we will transfer more than last time. Sometimes I wish we transferred all four last time. I have a feeling that if we did I would be pregnant right now, but we didn't so this time we will transfer at least three maybe even four. We all know what can happen when you transfer FOUR EMBIES --- the beautiful Ayers triplets! Love you Lucas, Ellie, & Delaney, I can't believe they will be two next month.

So, that is where we are and where we want to go. We have been exploring selling my car, getting a loan, using credit cards, or digging into my retirement plan. who knows what we will do, but we will do it. I haven't even seen a bill yet for these last three ultrasounds, hopefully they are not too bad.

We have been feeling the pinch from my loss of work, so Cindy at the Moose is sending me to TIPS training so I can pick up some bartending shifts to help out. Thank goodness for the Moose and Gabe's bartending... it has helped us SO much financially. Speaking of the Moose, I am so glad we have gotten involved there we have made so many new friends and we truly enjoy going down there, it helps to keep our mind off of things.

Last but NOT least our very good friends R.C. and Andrea had a beautiful baby boy on September 8th. Rian Jacob Hernandez was born with a bit of a heart defect. His two main heart valves are backwards and in order to get things "fixed" he will have to go through Open Heart Surgery. Right now he is at St. Joseph's in Phoenix. Please keep baby Rian and family in your prayers. We love you Rian!


Anonymous said...

im sorry for what is going on with you. I started crying when I read your email. to know how this was so disapointing for you both. I pray for you nightly. I wish there was something I could do. You both deserve the happyness of children. You will be a mother and a father one day no matter how it happen. I know you are a wonderful mother and father to my daughter that loves you guys so much. So Im glad to see you are moving forward with everything. I will be here to support you guys 100%. We love you both so much. susie

Mama Tina said...

"Just a little bump in the road" Baby girl you remeber when we were talking yesterday afternoon? me your Mama -in-law trying to keep your mind off of you waiting for the results...me venting about my problems and worries, you listening,and you being your wonderful self trying to talk me through my problems and concerns. Then not long after we hung up, you text me and told me the results and I realized just how small my problems were compared to the hurt you and my baby boy went through once again. And of course I asked God why??? but then I knew the answer....as I have always known the answer...God has a plan baby girl....you must believe that. Think about how many people are out there care about you and my son....think about how much you are loved by all of us. I know I can't imagine you not in my life. You see God gave you to your Mom and she has shared you with all of us, God gave me your husband and I am sharing him ...and someday he will give you a beautiful healthy baby to also share with us.

After all that happened yesterday and the last being your news I was a bit beside myself....then I made a call and when my best friend answered I said "hey you I really need a hug right now"...and in his usual cheery voice answered ....get your butt over here to my house right now! And after pouring my guts and feelings out to him. He said: Honey Bunny you and all of your family have "just hit a little bump in the road" have faith in God as I do, and it will all work out.

You know me I just had to ask....."Mickey. I really didn't know Jewish people believe in God"??? he said "oh baby girl we believe in God. and went on to say it's Jesus we don't believe in." And yes I had to say...aren't they the same person??? I then went on to say I don't know much about your religion....but if God's involved it's got to be alright!!!

Ok Baby girl...as I told Booger last night...."Ok, you two... let's move onto the next step" and always remember I am standing right next to you.

Love you more....


Hannah said...

Every broken road leads somewhere amazing!
God bless you baby Rian. (I love spelling Rian that way.)