20 Weeks and Mixed Emotions

Friday marked 20 weeks, while pregnant with N&A 20 weeks was the scariest day of my life. 20 weeks marked the day my pregnancy became threatened and from then on out each day and each hour I could keep them in my belly was extremely important. At 20 weeks bedrest began and I feared constantly for my boys lives.

With this pregnancy 20 weeks brought different emotions. Emotions I wish I could push out of my head. It is fear this time as well, but a fear of the future. Also a sadness for the attention baby/pregnancy doesn't get. Don't get me wrong I still fear for the health of this baby and praise God that everything so far is normal and uneventful, but I now fear for HOW we are going to do this? Things are becoming more real and the reality is setting in as this belly grows bigger. I am going to be a Mother to three boys under the age of two. Let me just tell you that being a Mom to twins is not all peachy, do I love it? YES, but it is hard. Every once in awhile, I want to lock myself in the bathroom to just have a moment to myself. Most days are great, but there are some rare days that I just want to sit in a quiet room all alone for 10 minutes and cry. I didn't know that a nice dinner out with my Husband would be so hard to come by, or an afternoon alone that isn't spent at work or cleaning would be NON-EXISTENT. Then I imagine having three and I know a night out will be even harder to come by and that our lives will only get more hectic from here on out.

I think I might be having anxiety or panic attacks or something. I get to thinking about what needs to get done and I sweat and my heart feels like it is going to beat out of my chest. I think with my last pregnancy and the sudden bedrest it has instilled a fear in me that I have to get things done right now, because ya never know when you might be put on bedrest. So I make these list and plan to organize these things and the anxiety is just taking over.

How will I do this? How will we afford this? How can I continue to work and raise three little boys? Did we make a big mistake? Will I be a huge failure as Mother? How will I find time for all three boys? How will the twins handle a new baby? Where will the twins go while I am in the hospital?

Most of all I am sad for Hudson. My biggest wish is that I would feel excited instead of scared. It makes me so sad that we are not excited for this baby, and it breaks my heart. It's not just me, but everyone around me. We can go a week with no mention of him by anyone. No showers will be had, no rubbing of the belly has been done, very little will be bought, no room with be painted. I am sad for him, sad for the boys, and just sad that I am feeling this way. It's almost as if we are too busy to be excited for him. I sure hope these emotions change, my fears go away, and we become excited soon.

It happy news, vacation went great and we had an AMAZING time. We have TONS of pictures that I will try to post tomorrow.