Nerves and Fears

Dog for Sale, Free Dog, Will Pay You to Take Dog

What is up with this destructiveness? It is almost as if he knows his life is about to completely change, so he is just trying to say "here Mom... take that for wanting to change my life and take the spotlight off of me!" They were both doing pretty well for while, but lately little guy is destroying really random things. Today it was two pens and yesterday it was hot roller clips, the day before was yet another baby toy. What gives?

The nerves are really sinking in. I got a Private Message on FF from a Mama of twins, hers are now three weeks old and she told me how great it is now that they have some sort of routine down. She also mentioned how hard the first couple of weeks were. She said there were times that her and her DH just looked at each other and asked what they had gotten themselves into. I am dreading that. I know it is going to happen, I just don't want it to.

I can totally handle a lack of sleep, I am not big on sleep and I am not a napper, but that is one thing that Gabe is not good at. He needs his sleep and he is grouchy if he doesn't get it. Most Tuesdays he goes into work an hour and a half early, and most Tuesdays when he comes home an hour and a half early he needs an hour and a half nap or the remainder of the night he is a grouch.

For when he goes back to work I was thinking of a schedule where maybe he takes 8 pm to 10 pm and lets me sleep, then I take 10 pm to 5 am, and he takes 5 am to 7 am. That way he is insured a good solid 7 hours and I am insured a good 4 hours, with hopefully a couple hours in between somewhere.

I can't quite pinpoint my biggest fear, but I think it is the fear that I won't be a good Mom, and I won't be able to show them both how much they mean to me. How can I spread myself equally between two newborns? How can we financially provide for both? How can I keep from stressing over the little things?

Another big fear is PPD. I have read that it is worse for those with multiples and even more so for those who were on fertility treatments. Lets face it, I am already slightly depressed right now with being on bedrest and fearing for the health of my boys, will it just magically go away when the boys get here? I am so not one of those who will hide it and try to fix it myself, if I feel not right I would hope that I will be the first to acknowledge it, and seek help with drugs, Tom Cruise can bite me! But then again I am not sure if I remember what it feels like to not feel anxious or depressed. Sounds sad, but so true. For years my life revolved around fertility treatments, which made me feel both anxious and depressed. Then once I got pregnant I was in constant fear of losing my boys, which again made me feel anxious and depressed. So what the hell am I supposed to feel? I am not sure if that person who isn't anxious and depressed exists anymore, and if she does, will I recognize her? Honestly maybe she doesn't exist, maybe it is yet another thing that IF has taken from me. If she does still exist, I can't wait to be reacquainted with her. She was happy, fun, and easy going. I think I saw glimpses or her at early stages in my pregnancy, so I sure hope she finds her way back. But if I remember correctly she also shopped too much, and carried balances on credit cards. I sure hope she grew out of that.

Another fear is breastfeeding for twins. Ahhhhhhhhh the horror stories! Seriously I have not had one person say that breast feeding is easy, but yet here I sit convinced that I am going to do it. I have been told over and over that both boys need to eat at the same time. I get this, but it seems so hard to get them both to latch on and feed at the same time. I so want to breastfeed, and I know it is hard, but I am up for the challenge. I think... I just hope my supply is up for the challenge.

Can someone please pass on their MoM (Mother of Multiples) super powers to me for the first few weeks until I acquire my own?

Can I do this? Holy crap, I am going to have TWO babies! I guess I just realized this! Please give me a pat on the back because yesterday for the first time I took tags off clothes and washed them. Just a few things, I couldn't go getting all crazy, but I did remove some tags off the newborn stuff. For me it was a big accomplishment.

32 Weeks!!!

I had an OB appointment this morning and was called "an over achiever." How about that? The boys were looking great and we even caught Noah trying to breathe, which I guess is a really good thing. Fluid levels were great, heartbeats were in the 140's/150's. Noah is in prime position for delivery and Aaden is also in a great position where he should fall right down when Noah moves out of the way. Cervix is closed and stable around a 1.3. My belly is measuring 39 weeks and my feet are huge. Next week I go for my last growth scan at the Peri and then it will be weekly OB appointments until delivery. 26 more days until my cerclage is removed and bedrest is over!!! Oh as for the heartburn the OB said Zantac works best.

By now, your baby weighs 3.75 pounds (pick up a large jicama) and is about 16.7 inches long, taking up a lot of space in your uterus. You're gaining about a pound a week and roughly half of that goes right to your baby. In fact, she'll gain a third to half of her birth weight during the next 7 weeks as she fattens up for survival outside the womb. She now has toenails, fingernails, and real hair (or at least respectable peach fuzz). Her skin is becoming soft and smooth as she plumps up in preparation for birth. http://www.babycenter.com/

Baby’s senses are continuing to improve -- when light peeks in through your (extremely) stretched belly, those tiny eyelids and irises blink and dilate. And, baby can now recognize and react to simple songs… time to start practicing your lullabies! Growth (at least inside your womb) is starting to slow, and you may notice baby descend into your pelvis at the end of this month. http://www.thebump.com/

A Sunset For Noah & Aaden and FOOD

Dream Dinners? Have you heard of it? I am trying to figure out what we are going to do about food once the boys come home. Originally I planned to be cooking, cooking, cooking right now and freezing meals, but I can't do that. Although Gabe and I are going to make a large batch of pesto sauce tomorrow since our basil plants have gone nuts and we will freeze that. But we can't live on pesto alone and once these boys are here the healthy eating habits are coming back in full swing. Well.... or partial swing. I went to the website and there is a location not too far from here, but it seems pricey for what you get. Seems like maybe I could buy frozen meals at Trader Joe's for way less. Anyone have any thoughts or experience?

Dreams

Okay that does it, I am never going to sleep again!!!!

Last night I had the most horrible dreams ever, and they were so vivid. It seems that once again my anxiety is finding its way into my dreams. I managed to wake myself up twice and even still went back to the same kind of dreams. Dreams which were clearly about the boys (names and all), childbirth, death, and illness. I won't go into detail because I am trying like hell to get the dreams out of my head. I will say the birth in my dreams went well, although it was at 31 weeks. Both boys cried, but then it went downhill from there. Get out of my head get out of my head!!!!

31 Weeks

We are now 31 weeks and only a week away from proving my OB wrong. He speculated I would go into labor before 32 weeks. I am grumpy and part of me wants to complain, but I won't do it, although I may whine a bit. I swore once I was pregnant I wouldn't complain and I would enjoy every minute of it. I am trying, but all I will say is that things are getting mighty uncomfortable and I am super tired of the eye rolls when I ask for help. Errggghhh!!

Today the carpets are getting shampooed, I guess this is my way of nesting. Both the babies room and the play room have a couple of awful stains, which I hope come out today. Not much new.. same old same old. I have NO doctors appointments this week. Crazy huh? I guess since I continue to remain stable they don't want to see me as often. I go back again at 32 weeks.

Oh.... I am in LOVE with hiccups. Aaden gets them quite often and it has got to be one of my favorite things. One night they lasted about 2o minutes. Gabe is a little frightened of them, but yet keeps coming back for more. Seems so odd that FULL TERM is in 6 weeks. I am excited to meet them, but also very nervous. Can I do this? Am I cut out to be a twin Mama? Do we have everything we need? Will the boys be healthy? How long will they stay in the hospital? Will I have a c-section? How will I know when the go to the hospital? I could go on and on and on...

This week, your baby measures over 16 inches long. He weighs about 3.3 pounds (try carrying four navel oranges) and is heading into a growth spurt. He can turn his head from side to side, and his arms, legs, and body are beginning to plump out as needed fat accumulates underneath his skin. He's probably moving a lot, too, so you may have trouble sleeping because your baby's kicks and somersaults keep you up. Take comfort: All this moving is a sign that your baby is active and healthy. http://www.babycenter.com/

A Trip to the Golf Course

Yesterday we decided to get out of the house with my chair in tow.  We went to the local golf course so honey could hit some balls at the driving range and I could lay around and watch.  It just so happened that my camera was in my purse and some great backgrounds were around us.  I wish I would have known because I would have worn something completely different and put on makeup.  So for now (unless we head to the golf course again) this will be our maternity photo shoot, most photos taken by an eleven year old.

Can I Take It?

Oppsss it was generic Pepcid that I bought. Can I take it or should I return it for Zantac?

My pregnancy brain knew it started with a P. I googled it and it seems to be fine, but safe fetus doesn't have it listed.

The bedrest (laying down after or while eating) must be making it worse I can hardly eat anything now without being in pain, which would explain why I haven't gained much weight the last two weeks and was complimented on it, but wait... is that a good thing or a bad thing?

30 Weeks

Today is 30 weeks and I had an OB appointment this morning. All is well and in fact my cervix is measuring around a 2. So it has lengthened a bit from last week. She said even if she was very very conservative on the measuring I am still around a 1.6. Huh? I will take it. I thought we were done with those, but she wanted to do it anyways. I am done with them at the Peri's office.

Noah is head down and Aaden is some what as well. Fluid level was good and cervix is nice and closed. I bought some heartburn medication yesterday and meant to ask her if I could take it and of course I forgot. Does anyone know? I think I bought generic Prilosec. I can't remember the website to check out the drugs. Safebaby or something like that? I am sure one of you will know.

Your baby's about 15.7 inches long now, and she weighs almost 3 pounds (like a head of cabbage). A pint and a half of amniotic fluid surrounds her, but that volume will decrease as she gets bigger and takes up more room in your uterus. Her eyesight continues to develop, though it's not very keen; even after she's born, she'll keep her eyes closed for a good part of the day. When she does open them, she'll respond to changes in light but will have 20/400 vision — which means she can only make out objects a few inches from her face. (Normal adult vision is 20/20.)

Our Niece Julia, and our Nephew Gabriel
Gabriel showing off his new haircut to Aunt Tiffany

Diapers, diapers, and more diapers. 2,747 to be exact. We had a diaper raffle at the shower. what a help these will be.

Not a flattering picture, but a glimpse at my days.

The kitties must be on bedrest too.

Getting bigger

I find it hard to go a day without going into the boys room and just day dreaming

Bumbos and Rockstars!

Carriers and slings, along with the boys coat rack Daddy put up

Big Thank Yous

My heart has been melting lately as I open packages full of such love, it has been like Christmas around our house. It started with the huge generous gift from Ryan, and then a sweet card from Erin, then of course the fantastic and generous gifts from our baby shower.

Then last week a beautiful package from The Hernandez Clan which brought me to tears. The Hernandez Clan are our friends IRL, but live miles and miles away. I have to say the most touching part is the book they bought for the boys which had little messages written inside from Drea to Mommy & Daddy, and then a separate message to Noah & Aaden.

Then a surprise gift from Polly who purchased the boys this sweet little Baby Einstein toy off our registry at BRU. So very thoughtful and touching! Polly holds a very special place in my heart. Without her I would probably still be doing $900 clomid IUIs.

Huge thank yous, but not just for the gifts. Thank you for your friendships and for being a part of my life. I know I have said it numerous times, but I mean it. Without FF and numerous blog girls I don't know where I would be. Before finding girls in the same situation I felt depressed, ashamed, and alone.

Each of you bloggers and buddy group members have been a part of our journey and without you I wouldn't be here. Seriously I wouldn't! Without Polly telling us about Stanford and without generous FF members donating meds to our cycles we would not be here blessed with twin little boys. Whom might I mention should be here within the next six weeks or so. Can you believe it? I cannot believe how far we have come. Thank you all so very much.

On another note I want to address an email I received this week. It was from a reader who happened upon my blog (she was not a blogger). She said that once she found my blog she went back to entry #1 and sat and read from start to finish. This is not the first email I have received of that kind. Lately I have received quite a few emails like that. She went on to tell me how much hope I gave her and thanked me for sharing our journey. It is emails like that, that make it all worth it. My blogging has not only helped me, but it is helping others. I will take being criticized and judged any day as long as it means I am being me and sharing my journey, and it is benefiting others.

Gotta Love it!

I came across this on another blog. I don't normally post stuff like this, but ya gotta love it! How fun and memorable.