Still Waiting...

So, tomorrow is the day and I am completely nervous. I am pretty sure I can scratch sleeping for tonight. I came into this wait with my excited attitude, but I am having a hard time keeping that attitude up. I keep thinking about the what if's and then the what next's. What next? Seriously..... the funds for another round of IVF are non existent and more time away from work is not an option.

On a really good note I am happy to announce that we have one frozen 6 day old embryo that did well. That was a whole different roller coaster waiting for that information. We waited and and waited for progress, but no one called. So finally I called and was told about the one. We never thought they would freeze without consenting, but they do and they did. In our hearts we were not decided on what we would do with only one embryo as the cost is quite high for freezing just the one, but needless to say it was done and the decision was not ours to make, which was in the end good. Boy am I glad it was done because come to find out... the drug company had agreed to pay the storage fee for one year along with all the costs to prepare and transfer the embryo if need be within one year. I couldn't believe it when I heard that. That is well over $4,000, what a great security blanket for us. Had we known this the $1600 cost of freezing wouldn't even have been an option, how could we not.

As I sit here this morning I am of course analyzing everything I feel... and I feel like me. The pain is 99% gone and the bloating is almost gone, I went back to work, and I feel like me. I don't want to feel like me, I want to feel different. I want to feel confident that something is different, because that non-optimistic part of me keeps drifting into the side of what ifs... after all this and the roller coaster... what if? Uggghhhhh... STOP! No more. I have one more day to be hopeful and imagine the great things and be excited.

My brain is so full of prayers, hope, and fears that it is hard to stay focused on anything else. We want this so bad and we are so grateful for the opportunity to be so close, but I really don't know how I can hold up to another set of bad news. I used to think I was somewhat strong, and optimistic, but this whole infertility journey has made me anything but and I don't want to be that person. I want to be the old me from three years ago, or even better yet the new me with happy news who is glowing from a healthy pregnancy and is no longer nervous about the future because she is optimistic that good things are coming her way, and for once the baby news is their news.

Okay, okay I am done and I have about 30 hours left to wonder and pray and wait for our dream to become a reality. This IVF journey is a LONG one with LOTS of hurdles and looking back I have realized that we have overcome every one of the hurdles. I honestly feel that God is behind us this time and has guided us this far and has something in store. We are so close, and just knowing some of the things I have learned about what a doctor should be, what a good clinic is like, and what HOPE feels like was worth the roller coaster ride. I am optimistic, I can do this, and I WILL be strong! We want for nothing more than to be parents and we will stop at nothing to make that dream a reality.

Please keep our little beans in yours prayers today, and I will post any news tomorrow. I will be strong today, and those prayers will be never ending today.

Thank you all for your love and support.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Every time I read your blogs it fills ME with hope and I'm not even the one who needs to be worried about anything at this point. I sit on edge waiting for these Blogs to come out and when they do I want to reassure you that even though you feel like you aren't the same as you were 3 years ago before all this, you are. You are still so happy and motivated that it makes me smile from the inside out. I love you guys, WE love you guys and I am crossing everything imaginable that we get good news for you tomm. we will be thinking of you...and your beans :)