Muddling Through

So of course my main question these last couple of days has been "why, what is wrong with me?" The honest answer is maybe nothing... yesterday a buddy member told me the following:
"There are plenty of reasons why the first cycle doesn't work, most of which has nothing to do with your body. It could have just been a problem with the embryos. A third of all embryos are genetically abnormal, leaving a good chance that neither embryo was viable."

So instead of driving myself crazier searching for tests that I might need done, I have decided to just tell myself that those two embryos we transferred were not viable, and they wouldn't have made it to the 6 days like the one frozen blastocyst did. That answer makes me feel better.

Uggghhh... it is so confusing because if something really is wrong I want to know so that we don't waste more time or money trying again. I have had two amazing friends and an amazing sister in law offer to carry for us. The offer just breaks my heart in how generous and caring people can be, but see I don't know that that is what we need. I am clueless what we need, if anything. IVF is NEVER 100%, but oh my what I wouldn't give to have every test under the sun ran to just know that I am not wasting my time and emotions because if donor eggs or a surrogate is what we need that is what we would do, no doubt about it, but you see the only real way to know that is to get a huge battery of tests done, which insurance doesn't cover or just keep on trying and see what happens. The frozen embryo we know made it longer, but even still if that doesn't take it again still may not indicate a big problem because as we all know this was a TRIAL drug and that could play a HUGE part. Another full round of IVF may give us some more answers, but that option is out for quite some time due to funds and time away from work.

I have decided to believe that this happened for a reason. Through this I have become stronger in so many ways and Gabe and I have grown as a couple. I went to work yesterday, after one of the hardest nights in my life I was able to make it through a day and an evening with some pain, but I really feel that I have been stronger than the old me. I feel I can do that because I now have Gabe right here next to me instead of behind me trying to make me strong, we are making each other strong and muddling through together.

Below are somethings I wrote to my Mother In Law that I thought I might share:

I am doing so much better than I thought I would be, of course I am sad, and the tears have fallen quite a few times, but all in all I am glad to be taking a break and happy that we have decided that NO matter what we will make this happen. Having a plan to move forward makes ALL the difference.

For the first time I don't feel so alone in my pain. Gabe has always wanted to have a baby, but this time it was different. This is the first time that he was right there with me through every step, every tear, every up, and every down, and having him to share it with made the journey and the end result bearable because I didn't feel so alone. Normally he is the one comforting me and being strong, but when I saw his tears and despair I immediately felt his pain, as it is the pain I have felt EVERY month for the last 36 months and for him I couldn't help but be strong and realize that I am not alone in this pain. I see now why he has been strong for me because to see him hurt was just miserable and the reaction is to comfort and be strong and it helped us BOTH SO much.

Don't get me wrong I had my moments of screaming hysterically, crying like a baby, and just pure anger, but it didn't last long because all I really needed at that moment was my beautiful husband. Knowing that we are on the same page and that we both feel the same pain made me believe that we would get through this together and that no more months would be spent just hoping and waiting, instead we will take the bull by the horns and make it happen.

Having Gabe and everyone else by my side through this journey has made such a difference. To know how many people care about us is just amazing, at times I regretted being so open about what was going on, but now I feel content because this is us and this is our life and I am not ashamed nor have I let anyone down. I did my best, but God has something else in store for us.

Some day in the not so distant future when we are parents and up to our ears in diapers, this will all be just a memory because no matter what some how we will have a baby, and if nothing else through this journey my husband and I have become 100 times closer and sensitive to each others feelings, he understands and feels my pain and understanding it makes it easier to muddle through together and make it to the end.