The Ride Has Ended

Beta HCG (blood pregnancy test) was less than one. I am crushed, but actually doing a little better then I thought I would. Gabe and I have been talking a lot and I have decided to adopt the attitude that this is NOT the end. Maybe a snag, but NOT the end.

I think my biggest fear is the fear that it will never happen and that we will never be parents. If someone was to guarantee me right now that yes eventually this will work, I would never give up, but no one can guarantee that so here I sit questioning why us and what now and where will the money and strength come from?

Thank goodness we have the one frozen embryo to try again at no additional cost, granted a large bill for the last three months probably went out in the mail to us today that we must eventually deal with.

We were told that we could transfer the last embryo as soon as mid April, but we have decided against a transfer so soon. Mainly because emotionally I don't know if we are ready just yet and also because we have been planning a trip to Mexico that I really just want to enjoy and we really need to relax and get away for awhile.

Unfortunately May is not a very good month to be gone from work, but I am hoping we can work something out. The transfer of the last embryo involves NO meds, no shots, and no pain. We would have a baseline ultrasound at the start of the cycle, then another ultrasound mid cycle, and hopefully a transfer of our only six day old embryo. It will of course be another roller coaster ride, but maybe not quite as bad.

We will be okay, we have each other and that is the MOST important thing. We are sad, angry, and hurt, but we have grown. I saw today how much my husband loves me and how much he is hurting too. This is the first time in our journey that I saw him shed a tear over this and for him I will be strong and wipe his tears as he has wiped mine for the last three years. We are in this together and no matter what obstacle we will overcome it some how some way.

We want to thank you all for your love, support, and prayers. The ride has ended for now, and I guess we are in some way another step closer to what the lord has in store for us.

I found the below website helpful tonight.

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