Easter 2011

Today was one of those days I wish I could bottle up. Today was a great day, I am so very blessed. Today was one of those days where numerous times I smiled at my boys and my life and couldn't believe they were mine and no one was coming later in the day to pick them up. I am their Mommy, they belong to us and life is so good. I am happy to report I am feeling WAY better. As in 95% better, still worried for the future, but feeling WAY better and the panic attacks are gone. As my DH said "you are THE BEST Mommy ever!!!" So I am going to believe him and I believe that I am going to continue to be the best Mommy and be an amazing Mommy to all three of my boys. Tomorrow is our 20 week ultrasound, although yes I am 21.5 weeks. Feeling kicks like crazy and even a set of hiccups. Mr. H is growing growing as in my belly. I am SO excited to see him, although I am sorta kinda hoping that his penis fell off! Just saying.

Easter was great, we couldn't be everywhere we wanted to, which seems to happen almost every holiday. We decided to stay in town and have brunch at my Dad's and then lunch/dinner out at DH's Grandma's house. Thankfully we were able to have my Mom come out and join us at that event for N&A's FIRST EVER EASTER EGG HUNT.

We painted eggs over at my cousin's house on Friday, which was pretty fun letting them go crazy. They were spoiled as always getting THREE different Easter baskets. One from The Easter Bunny of course and another from my Mom and My Grandma. Baby H even got a basket from Grammy (My Mom) complete with a hat and sunglasses. I think this was little man's first gift.

Thank You

A HUGE thank you to those of you who sent me emails or contacted me on g-chat. You all made me feel better and not so alone in what I am feeling. I have yet to really talk to anyone other than a couple people in real life about this. I feel stupid for even feeling like this, and I feel ungrateful. While TTC I always wondered how anyone with a kids could be sad, or could be unhappy. It was all I ever wanted, so now that I am here I don't know how to take feeling like this. So... I plaster on a smile and tread forward. Of course the doctor and DH know, I sort of mentioned it to my Mom, and a co-worker, and of course Drea is always around to let me vent and cheer me up (thanks for that BTW.)

My rest of yesterday went much better. Once the boys woke up, I decided to plaster a smile on my face, ignore the stuff that had to be done (although I got a lot done during naps, which helped my mood as well), and just enjoy my boys. We played and played in the backyard with pop up tents, which I hadn't pulled out since their 1st birthday party. Then we came in and they played in the playroom while I made spaghetti. We ate messy spaghetti then topped it off with chocolate ice cream. We had baths, then played trains for an hour until Daddy came home to tuck them snug in their beds.

All in all, I am feeling a lot better thanks to you guys and just ignoring some of what I am feeling. Today is day two of thyroid medicine, hoping by this weekend I start to notice a difference. I will leave you with a couple of videos from yesterday. If anything can make me smile, it's these two. And for those of you who don't have 13 minutes to watch the video from our vacation (don't blame you), I have posted a handful of my favorite pictures. Okay, okay a VERY large handful because I just couldn't decide I love them all so much. And YES I know they are way out of order, but don't have the time to fix the order. I tried once, but still they came over out of order.

ou

San Diego Vacation

I made a picture/video slide show. It's a bit long (13 minutes), but pretty cute if you have the time. I planned to blog about details of the vacation, but I am going to pass today. I am really in a deep funk, so much that I went in to see my OB yesterday. I just kept saying "this isn't me." Crying, angry, frustrated, easily irritated, heart pounding out of my chest, can't catch my breath. Something is truly up with me. All I want is to smile and be back to my old self. My OB thinks it is my thyroid. I was on thyroid medicine for a long while, not because my numbers were off, but because my thyroid is enlarged and we were willing to try ANYTHING back when we were TTC and adding the thyroid med was one of them. I was on it for about three years and all through my pregnancy with the boys. Last year when money was tight, I didn't go in to the appointment to get it refilled and figured it really wasn't a big thing since my numbers were the same on or off the meds. Well the Doc seems to think I truly do need them so today was day one back on them. We will discuss it again next week at my BIG ultrasound. If it is helping, GREAT, if not we will discuss a mild anxiety/depression med. I was against it at first, BUT with how I am feeling I will do anything to feel like myself again, not to mention he fears for PPD later down the road if we don't tackle some of this now. Doc mentioned that my mood being like this really can effect the baby and we have to get it figured out. At the office I took the test, which I have taken many times to evaluate my mood and scored off the chart in a bad way this time. Not fun, but I wanted to be truthful, some of those questions were HANDS DOWN how I am feeling. What the heck is going on with me? Who is this? Why can't I smile? Why can't I relax and enjoy this beautiful sunny day off at home with my boys. Seriously, who am I?

20 Weeks and Mixed Emotions

Friday marked 20 weeks, while pregnant with N&A 20 weeks was the scariest day of my life. 20 weeks marked the day my pregnancy became threatened and from then on out each day and each hour I could keep them in my belly was extremely important. At 20 weeks bedrest began and I feared constantly for my boys lives.

With this pregnancy 20 weeks brought different emotions. Emotions I wish I could push out of my head. It is fear this time as well, but a fear of the future. Also a sadness for the attention baby/pregnancy doesn't get. Don't get me wrong I still fear for the health of this baby and praise God that everything so far is normal and uneventful, but I now fear for HOW we are going to do this? Things are becoming more real and the reality is setting in as this belly grows bigger. I am going to be a Mother to three boys under the age of two. Let me just tell you that being a Mom to twins is not all peachy, do I love it? YES, but it is hard. Every once in awhile, I want to lock myself in the bathroom to just have a moment to myself. Most days are great, but there are some rare days that I just want to sit in a quiet room all alone for 10 minutes and cry. I didn't know that a nice dinner out with my Husband would be so hard to come by, or an afternoon alone that isn't spent at work or cleaning would be NON-EXISTENT. Then I imagine having three and I know a night out will be even harder to come by and that our lives will only get more hectic from here on out.

I think I might be having anxiety or panic attacks or something. I get to thinking about what needs to get done and I sweat and my heart feels like it is going to beat out of my chest. I think with my last pregnancy and the sudden bedrest it has instilled a fear in me that I have to get things done right now, because ya never know when you might be put on bedrest. So I make these list and plan to organize these things and the anxiety is just taking over.

How will I do this? How will we afford this? How can I continue to work and raise three little boys? Did we make a big mistake? Will I be a huge failure as Mother? How will I find time for all three boys? How will the twins handle a new baby? Where will the twins go while I am in the hospital?

Most of all I am sad for Hudson. My biggest wish is that I would feel excited instead of scared. It makes me so sad that we are not excited for this baby, and it breaks my heart. It's not just me, but everyone around me. We can go a week with no mention of him by anyone. No showers will be had, no rubbing of the belly has been done, very little will be bought, no room with be painted. I am sad for him, sad for the boys, and just sad that I am feeling this way. It's almost as if we are too busy to be excited for him. I sure hope these emotions change, my fears go away, and we become excited soon.

It happy news, vacation went great and we had an AMAZING time. We have TONS of pictures that I will try to post tomorrow.