Apprehensive

I have so much I should be writing about, Halloween sickies and melting hearts watching my bugs trick or treat, the grown up trip away, or my new Hudson tattoo.  But NO here I am writing about my apprehensions for the holiday season.

I feel like a complete ASS for feeling apprehensive about this time of year.  I remember before I had kids I thought all I needed to be happy and never ever break a smile was to have a child.  I looked around at people with kids and wondered how they could ever be unhappy.  Last year at this time I was feeling amazed and excited for sharing this joyous time with my wee ones.  But then the season came and went with so many mixed emotions that now this time has somehow become one that gives me mixed emotions.

My Great Aunt passed the first week of 2011 and I have NEVER spent a Christmas without her since I was born.  This alone makes me want to cry, not to mention 98% of my Thanksgivings have been spent with her as well.  Thinking about how it is going to feel with her not at our table brings tears to my eyes.  Tonight my DH offered to make the yams, she always made the yams.  Aunt Ladora will be greatly missed.

December also brings the month I am to go back to work and right now I want NOTHING to do with it.  I truly don't know how I can.  As soon as I turn that calendar page I know I am supposed to be heading back to work.  We are still trying to figure out what we can sell or do to enable me to be able to stay home at least through the month of December.  Just thinking about turning that page makes me want to cry.

The day after Christmas is always one of those days that is never someones favorite.  It is the day that you look around and realize it is time to pack up all the decorations that make you smile and move back into regular life and away from all the fun festivities.  Well the day after Christmas last year an event happened. It was full of hormones, tears, emotions, sadness, and change.

In part to that, I found out I was pregnant with Hudson, it was a bittersweet day due to events of the day and the mixed emotions.  This was a secret I carried with me for 24 hours.  A secret and surprise I was trying to let sink in.  To some of you who are trying to become moms or are only the mommy to one you may not get this, but I was a Mommy of two active little boys whom were only 15 months old.  That positive pregnancy test was not something I thought I would see for another year or two if EVER. However, it is by far the best surprise I have ever received and truly completes me.

Let me try to put it this way. Ya know when you walk through Costco and you see that amazing vacuum?  The one that is super expensive, but yet works amazing and would make your life amazing and smiley to have it? (Sorry I am a cleaner what can I say?) You think someday I will have that and all will be happy, but yes right now isn't the right time.  But then the DH goes out and buys you that vacuum with your joint money for your Birthday! You think oh crap I so so wanted this and I am happy, but how in the heck can we afford this or handle this fantastic of a vacuum with the other loud crazy vacuums we have? AND what the heck... why did DH buy me a cleaning product for my Birthday?  Yup that is sort of how I was feeling.  PLUS add a HUGE amount of PURE SHOCK and yes I will say it ... WTF HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?  It takes three IVFs to have babies around here! Shock pure shock!

Well, here we are almost one year later and my expensive vacuum is laying next to me in his hand me down boppy and PJs, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  He is the vacuum I always wanted, he completes our family and makes me happy.  I always knew how much I wanted him, but just wasn't sure when was right, but God showed us and blessed us just when we least expected it.  True blessings really do come when you least expect it.

The bugs are excited for this Holiday season and I am going to do my very best to put all the funky emotions and sadness behind me and enjoy every single moment of this season with the four most amazing men ever.  I am so extremely blessed and these little boys are going to be so very fun this year.

I will leave you with this:  How The Grinch Stole Christmas came on the TV last night and Aaden's face lit up and he smiled from ear to ear.  I said "Aaden it's Christmas!' He said "No Mama, it's Santa!'

You don't have to ask what I am thankful for this year, I have NEVER EVER EVER been more thankful and it's for the four creatures sleeping in the next rooms.