Winding Down

The days are winding down.  I am now 36 weeks pregnant, and have just 21 more days left of my old life.  My life with just my two little guys.  Just when things are getting easier we are going to take a huge spoon and stir the pot of life.  Just when running errands got easy, Aaden has started using the potty and we got into a perfect routine, the waves will begin.  Just when I have forgot what sleepless nights (due to children) feels like, they will begin again.  Just when there is not a bottle in sight, they will make their way back.

I would love to tell you all that I am super excited and can't wait for the change, but that would be a lie.  I am SCARED TO DEATH!  I can't quite tell ANYONE this, so I am thankful to get to try to let it all out here, which often times makes me feel better.  I am not sure how I am supposed to be feeling right now so maybe it is normal.  People keep saying "I bet you are so excited?"  I am excited about the baby, but not excited about change and more chaos.

How on earth am I going to do this?  I mean I know I can somehow eventually handle it at home, but will I EVER leave the house?  Will my new reality mean never leaving the house with the three kids?  Are the days of going out to pizza or mexican food over?  Are the days where I can run errands with the kids gone?  I have SO many unknowns right now and that is hard for me!  Who will watch little man when I go back to work?  Does it even make sense to go back to work?  As I run the numbers in my head most all the money I make at work will go to the childcare for the three kids, which seems insane, but then again it keeps my mind working, my foot in the door at work, and gives me some grown up conversation.  So much is up in the air and that makes this Mommy uneasy.  I am NOT good at unknown, I plan EVERYTHING.  You should see my garage.  I now have bags packed for the boys to go to my Grandma's house when the baby comes.

The plan is Gram will come over early Friday morning before we leave for the hospital.  Once baby Hudson is out and we have settled in a bit she will head over to the hospital with the boys so they can all meet baby "Husson."  This is a moment that makes me excited and melts my heart.  They will visit for awhile and then... off they will go to Grammy's for the weekend.  Originally it was only going to be for the night, but since she is feeling well and because my Aunt will also spend the weekend at Gram's the weekend it is!  This took a HUGE weight off my shoulders.  Now I know they will be well taken care of during the day and night and the Daddy can spend the weekend with Hudson and I (which btw is also our seven year anniversary weekend).  My biggest fear for Gram is bedtime, I have somehow raised two kids who only really know sleeping in their cribs in their room.  They are ANGELS at sleeping in their beds and going right down, but throw in a wrench and OH NO!  Soooooo... hopefully it goes okay and Gram isn't high tailing it back to town with them Saturday morning.  I have arranged for a possible sitter Monday and Tuesday days for them.  But as of right now I am not certain if I will be home Monday or Tuesday and not sure if the boys will be home Sunday or Monday.

My bag is somewhat packed, today I will work on toiletries and I guess I better make sure camera and camcorder stay charged up at this point.  You should see the boys corner of the garage where I have packed their things.  I swear sometimes I am SO over the top in planning.  They have a clothes, diaper, and toiletries bag. A back-pack with 10 toys, 2 books, and one puzzle in it.  A gallon of juice, a lunch box full or their favorite snacks, two pack n' plays, and then a note with a list of things to be added last minute: milk, blue sandals, blue sweat shirts, 5 cups, booster seats, 2 pillows, 4 blankets, and blue stroller.  Yes I know right?  Over the top!  But that is me and this is the crap that is going on in my mind and keeps me up at night.  I NEED to learn how to let go.  I also need to learn how to ask for help.  If someone can please send me a way to do that, I would be eternally grateful.

This week has been a rough one for all kinds of reasons, mostly the ups and downs with Gram and some other crap I have been feeling.  But now that we know Gram is healthy I have been working on just concentrating on right now.  Enjoying today and trying not to dwell on some feelings I am having and trying not to worry about the future.  I know somehow it will all work out.

Boys party is 98% done and the big party I am planning for my friend is coming together as well.  My goal for next week is to wrap that up.  Then the following two weeks I can relax with the boys and get last minute Hudson room stuff done and get the house in tip top shape.

Yesterday I had another NST and an appointment, both went great.  The nurse that did the NST was awesome.  She let me look around L&D and pick out my favorite rooms, hehehe.  So just in case the room I had with the boys is taken I know my next couple favorites.  I didn't gain any weight this week, which is fine with me and the doc.  I have gained a total of 21 pounds, which is higher than I planned, but eh oh well.  With only three weeks to go it shouldn't get much higher.  They are guessing Hudson weighs 5.5 pounds right now.  I am measuring 35 weeks instead of 36, but that could be because he is really dropping.  Doc guessed we would have a 7.5 pound baby on August 26th.  Cervix is closed, but shortening and Hudson's head is pushing on my cervix and giving me a truly awkward feeling mostly because he is irritating the cerclage which is a HORRIBLE annoying feeling that makes me feel like I can't move, but also have to pee.  I could really do without that.

In poopy news my disability claim has not even been started, and once it is... it still takes 2 - 3 weeks to see any money.  We are taking it day by day now and trying not to freak out yet.  Thanks to my amazing Grammy she paid off the last of our medical bills (which wasn't all that big anymore), but took a HUGE weight off our shoulders.  So so thankful that I will never have to looks at medical bills in the thousands ever again.  Come January we switch to an insurance which will cost us more per month, but has NO deductible.  It's also a hospital my Mommy works at so it should be GREAT!

This weekend is my "surprise" baby shower.  hahahaaha.  Yup my two wonderful friends Susie and Andrea have been planning a small shower.  I am not up on ANY of the details and not sure who all was invited, but I did find out about it from a few people who didn't know it was a surprise and also because the hostesses wanted to be sure I didn't make any plans for that day.  Truly truly excited to get together to celebrate baby Hudson.


twondra said...

Oh, sweetie, your fears are normal, so normal. Any kind of change is so hard and scary. We're all here for you and you can talk to us anytime!! ((HUGS))

BB said...

I can't believe you are almost there. I still remember you debating about baby #3. Wow!!

You are going to have so many changes in your life - anxiety is so normal. I am sure things will fall in to place... you did it with the twins!!

Lots of warm wishes - Good Luck!!!