Knots

I have knots in my stomach, I can't sleep, can't eat, and can't stop thinking. How could one little number carry so much value? Today is a make it or break it. If Beta HCG comes back more than double, we get to breathe a sigh of relief then go back for ultrasound #2 in two weeks, if not... we are sent on a new roller coaster. One in which is never fun, one in which we must either wait it out in stress and then proceed with meds or surgery. One in which no one ever wants to be faced with, and for us it will be our third time.

Today I am preparing myself for the roller coaster, today I am being pessimistic, because in my fertility world that is what works, and in my wold that is normally how the cards fall. Who gets pregnant on their own after 5 years of struggle and 3 IVFs?

How can I already feel so much for this little creature? How can a creature, which the pure thought of sent me to tears of fear one week ago NOW be someone whom I can't wait to meet and whom I feel is the completion to our family?

The boys are sleeping and I am off work today, after they have breakfast we will venture out. I plan to walk to the lab as the in and out of the car and in and out of the stroller seems silly when the lab is only about a 10 minute walk. We should have results back after lunch, and we will go from there.

No matter what happens I have to remember that I am already blessed, I have two of the most handsome, amazing little boys any Mom can ask for and if those are the only children we are ever blessed with, that is OKAY because I am thrilled to be their Mommy. I am honored to be their Mommy and we hit the jackpot with them. Even still we would love your good thoughts and prayers today for B3.