3.09.2010

Selfish? To Anonymous

Yes, I guess that is me, selfish! I should have known that comment was coming. I am not sure why I am still allowing these anonymous comments, but I am, and I get it! I get where you are coming from and I have been there. I know what you mean!

When I couldn't get pregnant it was hard for me to understand why someone would be upset over secondary infertility or how they could ever complain about ANYTHING when they had one beautiful baby. So just know that I GET IT!

When I had friends that got married around the same time as DH and I and they were on baby number two or even three, it hurt. It truly hurt even more than baby number one. It made me feel like "hey, you already have one... spread the wealth." It also hurt to hear people complain about their babies tantrums, lack of sleep, or problems having number two or three. So, yes I get it and hey... I said it, it just isn't meant to be and I will get over it, but this is my blog and I vented because for me it is yet another hurdle in my baby journey. Yes, I have felt much more pain than this, but still just knowing that having another baby won't be a walk in the park is yet another blow, but I KNOW your pain, please understand that I do.

I am here now in a different place than some of you, and this is a place I never thought I would be, and for that I am grateful. I said it over and over again that I am so extremely blessed for my boys, and YES I am selfish to be asking for more. But still it hurts yet again that what I wish for may not come true. It will NEVER measure up to you women that are still on the journey for a baby, but just know that the pain never truly goes away, and maybe it is SELFISH, but I still feel slightly incomplete.

I never wrote this to hurt anyone, I was just expressing what happened in my appointment and the sadness I feel. I never meant for this to offend anyone, it is just more of my journey, but I know that in no way does it compare to some of yours. I remember seeing baby pictures on some blogs and I just knew that in no way could they be as sad as incomplete as me, but please remember that I too was on the same journey for a very long time.

I thank the lord each night and again each morning for what he has blessed us with, I pray that he will bless you too. What is meant to be, will be for us. I was blessed doubly and yes, MAYBE it is selfish to ask for ever more.

11 comments:

twondra said...

I've been so behind on blogs and I'm sorry! I'm so glad your procedure went well.

This post just saddens me so much, Tiff....that you have to explain something to somebody like that. Like you said, this is YOUR blog and you can write/vent whatever you want. And I'm soooo sorry you got that news. I can't imagine sweetie!

I know I don't have kids and don't understand exactly where you are coming from. But, I can tell you with how much I absolutely love my niece and nephew and how I consider us to be part-time parents, I would be absolutely CRUSHED to recieve the news you did....and they aren't even mine. :) I can't imagine having one of my own, loving that child with all my heart and being told I can't have another one or it'll be extremely hard for me. I know it would CRUSH me.

I don't know if that helps coming from someone else who is waiting for her first. But I can tell you when I read your news, my heart sank for you. Because after all you've been through, you deserve to have a much easier time with a second pregnancy. Girl, you've been through a lot and deserve to catch a break.

You're not selfish sweetie! You're just a great mother with feelings. :)

Thinking of you!!

JackieMac said...

I am sorry someone made you feel bad about the way you feel - this is your blog and you should be about to express your feelings - not matter what those feelings are. I am so sorry you got such bad news but I am glad the surgery went well. Thinking of you.

Baby Wanted said...

As you know, I've been trying to have a family for almost 5 years now and I've been supporting you since you went on bed rest with the boys and let me tell you, not once did I think you were being selfish! Wanting another child is not selfish even if you have TWO PERFECT LITTLE BOYS! Who is to say that because you have two you should stop. I know I'm not a normal infertile, lol, because I don't agree with "you have one or two, you don't deserve more" because lets face it, by you stopping at two isn't going to give me or anyone else a baby. It is up to God!

Personally, if you had 5 and wanted a 6th, I may tell you get over yourself but wanting a little girl is not wrong or selfish.

The Pifer's said...

I can’t imagine how anyone would think you were being selfish. I don’t know what it’s like to conceive a child…and two for that fact. But I do know when I get my time, I will probably get to the point where I want another one, it’s NATURAL. I don’t think you are selfish for thinking this way. Infertility is a life long struggle, it’s hard! There is so many types of infertility, but in the jest they are ALL the same—we ALL long for the same desire to be a mother, whether that’s to one…two…three…four kids, it’s not fair to cut off your dreams just because you had one or two miracles.

When growing up I had this all planned out. I wanted 3 kids, one girl and two boys…when I get pregnant you can bet I will want another; it’s a natural feeling. You are not selfish for wanting that. It’s VERY obvious that you are in love with your boys, you are wrapped around there little fingers and I haven’t thought for one moment that you are not grateful!

You don’t worry about what others think, this is your blog…your feelings...YOUR life! I support you and I am praying for you!

Love-Hugs and Prayers-
Tiff

Hernandez Clan said...

Selfish and Tiffany do not necessarily belong in the same sentence. EVER. Do not feel guilty for having sadness come over you or for feeling like you aren't done and you WANT more. That feeling for you is normal, and healthy and sad because now you know and we know that it will be a hurdle for you to get there. I STRONGLY believe you deserve a little girl (or even another little boy), that this world deserves a little mini Tiff (or another mini gabe) to spread joy, love and smiles to, but of course that is your guys' choice, and decision and journey (if you so choose), don't let anyone make you feel guilty for wanting MORE.

I am sad that you will have such a struggle if you decide to have another, but I am sure that in time the choice will be made and you will either plan for bed rest and a some sadness mixed in with joy or you will plan to put away the baby items and trudge forward with your two precious little men. Either way the hard part is that you will still not have had that "normal" time to enjoy things as you wish you did but when I read your other blog...someone posted that KNOWING what you would have in store for a 3rd baby leaves you to be more prepared (maybe not emotionally..that is something you can't prepare for) but physically. You can do things earlier, plan sooner, you would KNOW.

Tiff, your journey is yours to be sad, happy, angry, ecstatic and dissappointed with...YOURS and that wonderful hubby of yours. Don't let anyone "sh1t in your cornflakes" sweety cause I know for a fact you have helped and been helped by soo many fellow bloggers.

We all love you, and don't be shy to share your journey or feelings, anyone who knows you, knows they are genuine and TRUE feelings, not selfish...okay maybe a little selfish but at least its selfish for all the right DESERVING reasons :)

P.S. WE LOVE YOU!

Kami said...

Girlfriend, the comments will come and go. I got the comment about why I was depressed after having my girls. Like I asked for it or something. You shouldn't have to explain yourself. This is your blog and you write whatever you want. If they don't like what you have to write, they can stop reading. I am so sorry honey.

Love,
Kami

Christina said...

I got my first letter of hate mail a few weeks ago, and its tough to hear, but ITS NOT TRUE.
Tiffany, don't listen to them. You are not selfish. You are an amazing Mother who has been through a lot to get to where you are now, and you were just blogging about how you feel...don't worry about them. They don't know you. Hugs Momma, thinking of you.

Meant to be a mom said...

All I can say is you were way more understanding than I would have been to that kind of comment. Trust me, I, just like you get how it feels to not be able to get pregnant. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG at all with wanting more children, they are gifts from God. They are blessings. Its not selfish one bit.
Its horrible for women to have to feel the emptiness of infertility and my heart aches for those women who still have not conquered it. But attitude is everything. I truly believe that you have to live for yourself and not others. Just because random people have 5 kids and have no troubles at all, doesn't make them selfish people. Wouldn't you if you could? People get pregnant every day, You can't be mad at the whole world. You have to keep positive that God will point you in the direction you are meant to be. That ultimately he wants your true happiness in this life.
I feel bad for this person who left this message because I feel like they need more support. More trust in God that he knows what he's doing. I'm not saying they should be happy, I'm just saying beating others down because your unhappy will not fix things. You will still be in the same boat as you were before but will have pissed off more people in the process and upset people. Live for you not for or through others.

Anyways, this world could always use more smiling faces, and happy laughing children running about. =)

twondra said...

Just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you today. I hope you're doing better. :) (((HUGS)))

Seoul Baby said...

Tiff-I'm from FF and I have followed your journey since the beginning. I myself am one of those secondary infertility stories! Don't feel bad, and donn't feel like you have to explain anything to anyone. IF hurts, whether it is the first or second, and yes you have two babies but that doesn't make your desires any less than anyone else. It's okay, I never took offense to anyone that said Secondary IF was not the same. The reality is that IF sucks all the way around and ALL of us that experience difficulty in getting pregnant should remember that!

To annoymous-I'm sorry you feel this way, I'm sorry you are hurting, but most of all I am sorry that you are in a the place that all of us have once been in. It's a difficult journey, a sad lonely one, but remember you aren't alone~Tiff's story should be one of hope, after all without hope we stop living.

Anonymous said...

Hi I don't know you but I want to wish you the best of luck if decide to have another baby or babies. I have twin boys myself and a daughter. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks what matters is if and when the time is right for your family it seems you have alot of support. By the way your boys are so cute mine are now three so enjoy them they grow up so fast.