A Frozen Bill

While thumbing through bills after work on Friday I came across a bill from a place I hadn't seen in awhile (thank goodness). I remember receiving MANY bills from this place over the last couple of years and each time fear would rush through my body as I opened it. This time was no different. I couldn't imagine what they would be sending me, but there it was. "Storage fee for frozen embryos, $550". Just when I was sort of coming to grips with the fact that the boys might just be my one and only pregnancy all sorts of emotions came rushing in. To pay or not to pay? If we don't pay what do we do with them?

I put the bill aside and have yet to pay it. Gabe and I talked a little and quickly agreed that we would pay it for this year and then discuss it again next year. Next time the bill comes the boys will be 18 months old and a little over two years old if it actually worked and baby #3 came. Or we could wait two years and the would be 2 1/2 and three when baby sister came, hehe.

We are truly still on the fence. Do I want another baby YES! But can we afford another baby, a Nanny while I am on bedrest for four months, childcare for three kids, and medical expenses... NO, DOUBLE TRIPLE NO NO NO!

So, here is the plan.. we will try like heck to start putting some money away for the next couple of years for a Nanny, transfer costs, and one years medical deductible. If in a couple years we have saved a good amount and things seem right we might go ahead with a transfer, if not we will decide then what to do. It is FAR too soon to make any sort of hasty decision right now, and hey who knows maybe we will get pregnant the way most people do, could you imagine that?

So, our possible future children will have pre-paid childcare paid for soon. I am going to call the clinic and see if they will allow me to break up the bill into three payments, they have always been pretty good about that.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Noah, can I please have your foot to put in my mouth?

Mama scored us big boy car seats using credit card points

Aaden Parker

Random

Hi all, the 6 month check up went well. Noah's back of his head is still a little flat thanks to his great sleeping skills in which he lays flat on the back of his head for eleven hours each night. We were told to try to turn his head a bit while he is asleep and to keep him off his back during the day. Noah is weighing in at 16 lbs. 13 oz. and is 26 3/4". Aaden is 15 lbs. 10 oz. and is 27". They are doing great and love some of the new stage two foods.

As for me, the D&C worked, thank goodness! I feel like a whole new woman, I have more energy, and my bloat is gone. The belly is still here, but the bloat and crampiness have subsided.

On another note, I have come to the conclusion that we cannot technically afford for me to only be working part time. But ya know what? Oh well! These two days that I get to spend with my bugs mean the world to me and if I have to dip into savings and retirement then so be it. I can't get these years back, and this is important to us. We will eat Top Ramen, watch every penny we spend, and just be thankful for our miracles. We were willing to spend whatever to create these miracles, now we are willing to sacrifice to spend as much time as we can with them in these early years.

Our Little Monster

Happy 6 Months

Happy 6 months to the most amazing things I have ever created.

Happy 6 months to the sweetest little boys in the world.

Happy 6 months to two people who make me smile everyday.

Happy 6 months to the two people whom I have been with everyday for the last 180 days. Happy 6 months to the miracles I never thought I would have.

Happy 6 months to Noah Warren and Aaden Parker.

Dear Noah & Aaden,

Each day I fall more and more in love with you. Each day you find a new way to make me smile. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what I did without you in my life. You have made your Daddy and I so very happy and we cannot wait to continue on this journey. I must say that this age is SO fun, each day you both do something new and truly amaze me and Daddy. I can't believe that Daddy, I, and some doctors created you and all your glory. I love you my sweet angels! Happy half a year birthday.

Love,

Mommy

Look, look at my feet

Bring on Spring

Aaden my blue eyed beauty

Grass, sun, and brotherly love

Brotherly tub time

Our new bath time, oh so fun

Yes, Aaden is doing what you think he is doing

Bath time brothers

Hey Brother, I love you

Sleep, hugs, and Rock & Roll

Swing time

Thanks for the swings Great Aunt Lisa

Yes, we each have one. Mama just didn't get a picture of both of us doing it together

We like to hold our bottles

I'm a little lazy, but I try

typical man

My sweet first born son

A smile that will melt your heart

Selfish? To Anonymous

Yes, I guess that is me, selfish! I should have known that comment was coming. I am not sure why I am still allowing these anonymous comments, but I am, and I get it! I get where you are coming from and I have been there. I know what you mean!

When I couldn't get pregnant it was hard for me to understand why someone would be upset over secondary infertility or how they could ever complain about ANYTHING when they had one beautiful baby. So just know that I GET IT!

When I had friends that got married around the same time as DH and I and they were on baby number two or even three, it hurt. It truly hurt even more than baby number one. It made me feel like "hey, you already have one... spread the wealth." It also hurt to hear people complain about their babies tantrums, lack of sleep, or problems having number two or three. So, yes I get it and hey... I said it, it just isn't meant to be and I will get over it, but this is my blog and I vented because for me it is yet another hurdle in my baby journey. Yes, I have felt much more pain than this, but still just knowing that having another baby won't be a walk in the park is yet another blow, but I KNOW your pain, please understand that I do.

I am here now in a different place than some of you, and this is a place I never thought I would be, and for that I am grateful. I said it over and over again that I am so extremely blessed for my boys, and YES I am selfish to be asking for more. But still it hurts yet again that what I wish for may not come true. It will NEVER measure up to you women that are still on the journey for a baby, but just know that the pain never truly goes away, and maybe it is SELFISH, but I still feel slightly incomplete.

I never wrote this to hurt anyone, I was just expressing what happened in my appointment and the sadness I feel. I never meant for this to offend anyone, it is just more of my journey, but I know that in no way does it compare to some of yours. I remember seeing baby pictures on some blogs and I just knew that in no way could they be as sad as incomplete as me, but please remember that I too was on the same journey for a very long time.

I thank the lord each night and again each morning for what he has blessed us with, I pray that he will bless you too. What is meant to be, will be for us. I was blessed doubly and yes, MAYBE it is selfish to ask for ever more.

Over?

First off I must say thank you all for your well wishes. The procedure was a lot less painful than I thought it would be. The nurse and doctor both complimented me on how well I handled the pain. I guess maybe IVFs, c-sections, and cerclages have built up my pain tolerance, that or the valium helped a lot. Honestly I found the whole procedure kind of interesting.

I will start with the good news and end with the news which may very well have outlined our future. My Mom arrived this morning to help with the boys and we left the house around 10 a.m. to take the boys to the babysitter. Of course the doctor was running late and then when I finally did get into a room the set up for the procedure took a very long time. By this time the valium was kicking in and I was relaxed and a little sleepy.

Immediately the doctor confirmed that my cervix was scarred from the cerclage, which has nothing to do with the bleeding, but just a confirmation that future deliveries would need to be done via c-section. I found it super fascinating watching the screen as the doctor explored around in my uterus. My lining was very very thin and other than that all he found were some old blood clots that had formed near my c-section scar. He scraped at the scar and loosened the clots, and is pretty sure that that along with yet another birth control pill change should do the trick. The new birth control pill is supposed to thicken the lining up, if not he may also have me take some estrogen supplements.

My Mom brought me home and Gabe surprised me by getting off early, straighting up the house, making a little bed for me on the couch, and picking up our favorite veggie take n' bake pizza with garlic cream sauce. I took a couple vicodin, we had lunch, watch Big Love from last night and now he is picking up my antibiotic prescription and two precious little creatures from the babysitter. The pain isn't all too bad, but I am on vicodin and they did numb my cervix.

Now onto the news that has pretty much crushed me. For this procedure they normally need to dialate the cervix, well that was not needed for me. The doctor confirmed again that I indeed have an incompetent cervix and that a future pregnancy would definitely warrant a cerclage and bedrest. My heart sank when he said that. I asked him how this happened, and his response was that I was born with it and the weight of the boys made it worse.

There is no doubt in mine or Gabe's minds that we want just one more baby. I just feel like a little girl is waiting to come into our family a few years down the road. Knowing that getting pregnant again would be high risk really makes me question how we can bring this little girl into our family. How can I be on bedrest with two little boys? It isn't fair to the boys to miss out on so much. I wanted so badly to just have a normal pregnancy the second time around. I wanted to work, be able to decorate a sweet baby girl nursery and take maternity pictures. I wanted to show off my baby belly and enjoy my pregnancy. Now I know that I will never know what it is like to not have doctors appointments every week, and not spend the majority of my pregnancy in bed. It seems that maybe another baby isn't meant to be for us. I am just thankful we were blessed with our two little bug miracles. Now some how I will have to come to grip with the fact that I might always be a Mother of two. Those maternity clothes I hung on to might never be worn by me again, those baby clothes I am storing might never be worn by baby number three. I cannot be all that upset, we have two of the best little bugs anyone could ask for, and I am over the moon for that blessing. Sometimes things are just not meant to be.

All Set

In office D & C set for Monday morning, wish me luck!

The boys go to the babysitter on Monday so it works out. Now if only I could find a babysitter for Tuesday since I am pretty sure I won't be 100% to take care of the boys.

The anticipated cost for the in-office is around $1,000 vs. the hospital version which would have been well over my $4,000 deductible. They sent in a script for Vicodin, Motrin, and Valium to take before the procedure. Crossing fingers that all goes smoothly and the pain isn't too bad.

In buggy news... they are chattering up a storm. So, I have taken it upon myself to say the word "Mama" to them repeatedly each day. The sitting up is going, but not yet mastered, which is starting to worry me a bit. The smiles and giggles are seen and heard a lot around our house. Mr. A is just a little smile bug, I LOVE LOVE LOVE seeing them in the mornings and when I get home from work. The huge smile that spreads across their faces when they see me takes my breathe away. How did I get so lucky to be these creatures Mommy?

Baby food is going well, they are little chow-hounds. Both love bananas, but the jar kind more then home made...go figure. The also both LOVE sweet potatoes. Noah likes peas and Aaden isn't too fond of them. Noah isn't a fan of green beans, but Aaden is.

Next week is their 6 month check up where we should be cleared for stage 2 food and of course another set of shots.

We are going to Arizona in just a few weeks, I can't wait to bask in the sun. First to Tucson to visit my Mother-In-Law, Sisters-In-Law, Brother-in-law, Niece, and Nephew. Then we will all travel to Scottsdale where Gabe and I booked a three bedroom place for us to stay. (This was our Christmas present to them.) We are hoping to take in a SF Giants Spring training game while we are there. Gabe and I love the Giants, in fact we got engaged at a game. After three nights in Scottsdale we will meet up with our good friends The Hernandez Clan, where we will have a couple of nights in Sedona.