I need more time and energy in my day. This Mom thing is harder than I thought. Not really being the Mom, I love that, and spending time with my boys I totally love that too, but I am starting to despise all the things that take me away from them.
You know... the organizing, the worry, going to work, the bill paying, packing diaper bags, house cleaning, yard work, dealing with the dogs (one of which BTW jumped on the counter and ate my breakfast this morning), making sure gifts are bought for events and B-days, cleaning high chairs and washing sheets, grocery shopping, packing lunches, house paperwork, cooking dinner, trying to get myself and the boys out of the house on work days on time, planning, and laundry.
I finally broke down yesterday. We were driving in the car and I just started crying to Gabe. I am such a cry baby, I need to learn to suck it up. My body and mind ache by the time I get into bed at night. My mind is going all the time. I make lists like nobodies business on my phone just to try to be able to fall asleep. The fear of moving is really starting to set in. I am getting really anxious about moving, and not a good anxious, but a worried anxious. All the address changes, packing, unpacking, decorating, the fear of how I will get packing done with the two little munchkins who are at most times at my feet.
Is it wrong to wish for two hours all alone in the house? Is that weird? Does that make me a horrible Mother? I am spent, and while maybe I shouldn't be putting this all out there I am! I love my little boys more than life it self, but crap this job is hard! Sometimes I want to just sit on the couch and watch a movie for two hours, but if I sit down I feel guilty because I know all the stuff I should be doing.
I think much of this is stemming from not having an at home day with the boys. I haven't had a day at home in two weeks. I need those days, they get me caught up on stuff around the house and give me time to relax with the Bubs. Next alone day is hopefully set for the 30th of July. For now, I will pull myself up just like I did last night and push push through the things that need to get done. Knowing the 30th is coming and an evening glass of wine or two will keep me going.
Horrible Mother of Twins
P.S. This job is hard, but the rewards are amazing. I will leave you with a video of Aaden's newest trick. So very proud of my little man!
3 days ago