Our Nephew Jayson Alexander arrived yesterday at a whopping 8 lbs. 15 oz. and 20 1/2 inches. He is gorgeous, and Sister In Law Monica did wonderful. My heart melted when I held him and then again when Aaden waved "bye-bye" to Jayson. I am excited for Monica and Mike to learn the joy of being parents, and also excited that my boys will have a cousin so close in age. I can just picture sleep overs, and family events where the boys will swim, and climb trees.
While sitting in the waiting room, watching pregnant women come and go, all the feelings of my not so normalcy came flooding back. I became rather envious of the normal women. Women whom want to get pregnant than do. Women who have a normal pregnancy with no bed rest or fear of their children dying every day. Women who want people in the room while in labor, I didn't because I didn't want anyone else to witness my babies possibly dying. Women who get to have their babies in their room with them. Women who got to hold their babies after birth. Women who got to breastfeed after the birth. Women who got to cry happy tears after the birth, when mine were more a combination of happy and worry. Women who get to go home with their babies. I mourn for that sense of normalcy I never got and probably never will.
Nothing can erase that empty void in my heart, the void is NOTHING like the void I had before N & A, but still just a little painful, something I will always slightly mourn and will ALWAYS remain a memory.
A great quote from Drea last night "I know this is going to sound selfish, but I want you to have another. I want for you to be 100 bazillion percent complete!" Got to love my Drea. Lately her and are so in sync and she knows just what to say to make me smile.
Got to also love cute calls from the Hubs. Gabe wanted to know what was up with my reaction to Mindy the Nurse (whom was a friend of his.) She had a baby a few months before us and mentioned she was ready for another, then asked us if we were as well. Without even a blink of hesitation or a moment of silence, I blurted out YES! Gabe's head shot around to me like a cannon ball. While we had discussed this we were still on the fence some days. Today was not one of those and I think the days are gone where I will ever be on the fence again. Gabe said he could see it in my face as I watched and held Jayson that I want another baby, that I want just one baby, and a chance to try to have a normal pregnancy and make N & A big brothers. He was giggling as he was saying this to me, it was pretty cute. So, it is safe to say we are for sure on the same page and he can see that my desire is in fact strong, a few weeks ago he told me he would be happy either way. Another baby, or just having the boys he felt blessed. I felt the same, if that is how it works out, but my deep desire would love to give it another go. If it doesn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be as I will NOT go through another full IVF cycle.
So, it won't be soon, but eventually we plan to try again, and on our own at first. I have an OBGYN appointment next month, so I will talk with him and go from there. I would like for the boys to be a bit older if I did have to go on light bedrest. At an age where maybe they were in beds vs. me lifting them into cribs. Only time will tell.
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