A Blog

A Private Blog?

Oh how the sound of it is better and better each day. Why did I start this blog? To fill in friends and family about the progress of our IF journey. What really happened was I met a group of friends that will last forever, friends I had things in common with, friends who's journey's have inspired me, and friends who have lifted my spirits and got me through the hardest time in my life. It also allowed me to document my journey and share my feelings, and to someday show my children.

Did I start this blog for the same reason I want to blog now? Nope! Do I wish my blog wasn't shared with "real life people?" Yup! Do I love my real life people? Yup, but how I wish I could just say what I want without random anonymous comments or wondering if, just maybe a real life person might read this and commenting. Well the obvious answer is to quit blogging, but if I can tell any person going through infertility any piece of advice it would be to join a great IF or IVF group online and to blog your experience. I will never ever regret blogging. However, I think I need to blog in another area and separate from people in real life, because while YES I did have many of my dreams come true, I now have new things to express which may offend people still on the journey, or if I blog about struggles, it may make me sound ungrateful, which by god I am NOT, I thank the Lord almost hourly for my miracles.

No matter what I say I feel ungrateful. And YES I do know I might come off that way because while I was struggling with IF I saw people sound ungrateful, mostly in real life, but also on blogs, and I wanted nothing to do with them. How could someone complain about poop, lack or sleep, pregnancy, money, or a normal Mommy life? It hurt me to hear it, and here I am doing it. Believe me I never thought I would, but I can't sit here and talk about IF much anymore other than the fact that I beat it, and I was blessed, and I want anyone going through it to never give up.

So it only makes sense that I find a new crowd and a new group of friends, and while I hope to remain in contact with some of you whom have become a part of my life, I also hope to meet people with whom I can talk about how tight money is, how my kids scream for now reason, packing diaper bags, or my job. My job in which I am made to feel bad about because I am no longer there full time. My job which I love to pieces, but yet nope I am not willing to work 40+ hours a week, so I get made to feel guilty. Making me feel bad doesn't make me want to work more, it only makes me feel sad that I am not supported. I worked very hard to be a Mom and I stayed with my employer for the last 11 years because I believed I would be supported as a Mom and would be supported working less hours when the time came, but well.. things don't always happen as you plan. For me, I would give up anything to be able to be with my kids two weekdays, and while I didn't think it was going to be huge deal, well, I am reminded of it daily and my lack or time in the office. I could blog and blog about this, and it is yet another reason I am ready to go private or move. I am thinking of just writing in a diary and keeping this blog up just for some updates and pics, because I do believe that maybe some people truly do care about our life and can find hope in our story.

In new news, my sister in laws baby is coming soon, Noah is close to walking, Aaden is too smart for his own good, Noah gives you a kiss when you ask and we are in need of sitters. More... more ... private stuff. Our sitter found a full time job and I am totally happy for her and I think it is for the best. We found a new sitter, whom I have known since I was 5 and I have high hopes it will work out great. Speaking of sitters... ugh to night and weekend sitters. I guess I never imagined we wouldn't have a chance to go out as a couple. I was that girl who ALWAYS watched kids for free, just because. I loved to be around them, I loved to help out, and I wanted the experience. I can think of 5 kids I used to watch for dates, nights, and overnights for free. As my BFF always tells me "you need to find a Tiffany!" Well I guess they don't exist. Or if they do how do you ask? I have sort of asked a couple people, but no go. I never thought it would be hard to find a "date" sitter paid or unpaid, but it is. Gabe and I have yet to see a movie together since bedrest days. Well my Mom offered, which is crazy of her because she also picks up about two full work days out of the month for us, but regardless we are taking her up on it and are going on a date day to the movies this weekend. Have we been out? Yup, a couple times when my Mother In Law was here (thanks Mima) and a couple times when my Mom helped, but most of those times we were with other people. So, now we are going to a movie and lunch alone next week and we are super excited. Today is out 13 year dating anniversary so we have kind of planned to celebrate that at the same time.

So, that is that. I have been lagging on blogging so I will probably just update randomly and keep the "spills" on a private site or in a diary. I do know that no matter what I cherish those friendships I made, and I hope that maybe this blog will give someone else hope that dreams of a family DO come true. Where do you go when you just want to vent? No where? This was supposed to be a sort of diary. So I do regret where it has gone. I need a place where I can vent, a place where I can spill my gutts, a place where I can talk about money problems without being judged, a place where I can discuss struggles with no one IRL knowing. A place where I can treat my blog sort of like a BFF where no one negative can comment or make me feel like crap. Do I feel like crap enough? Yup. Do you Mr. Anonymous need to make me feel more crappy? While struggling with IF did I think other peoples petty problems were ridiculous? Yup! So if you think my petty problems are, I don't blame ya because I thought that when I became a Mom things would be roses, I would have no reason to blog other than sweet stories and pics. Well.. life and problems do still go on, but I AM BLESSED and will never forget that or take it for granted.