Over?

First off I must say thank you all for your well wishes. The procedure was a lot less painful than I thought it would be. The nurse and doctor both complimented me on how well I handled the pain. I guess maybe IVFs, c-sections, and cerclages have built up my pain tolerance, that or the valium helped a lot. Honestly I found the whole procedure kind of interesting.

I will start with the good news and end with the news which may very well have outlined our future. My Mom arrived this morning to help with the boys and we left the house around 10 a.m. to take the boys to the babysitter. Of course the doctor was running late and then when I finally did get into a room the set up for the procedure took a very long time. By this time the valium was kicking in and I was relaxed and a little sleepy.

Immediately the doctor confirmed that my cervix was scarred from the cerclage, which has nothing to do with the bleeding, but just a confirmation that future deliveries would need to be done via c-section. I found it super fascinating watching the screen as the doctor explored around in my uterus. My lining was very very thin and other than that all he found were some old blood clots that had formed near my c-section scar. He scraped at the scar and loosened the clots, and is pretty sure that that along with yet another birth control pill change should do the trick. The new birth control pill is supposed to thicken the lining up, if not he may also have me take some estrogen supplements.

My Mom brought me home and Gabe surprised me by getting off early, straighting up the house, making a little bed for me on the couch, and picking up our favorite veggie take n' bake pizza with garlic cream sauce. I took a couple vicodin, we had lunch, watch Big Love from last night and now he is picking up my antibiotic prescription and two precious little creatures from the babysitter. The pain isn't all too bad, but I am on vicodin and they did numb my cervix.

Now onto the news that has pretty much crushed me. For this procedure they normally need to dialate the cervix, well that was not needed for me. The doctor confirmed again that I indeed have an incompetent cervix and that a future pregnancy would definitely warrant a cerclage and bedrest. My heart sank when he said that. I asked him how this happened, and his response was that I was born with it and the weight of the boys made it worse.

There is no doubt in mine or Gabe's minds that we want just one more baby. I just feel like a little girl is waiting to come into our family a few years down the road. Knowing that getting pregnant again would be high risk really makes me question how we can bring this little girl into our family. How can I be on bedrest with two little boys? It isn't fair to the boys to miss out on so much. I wanted so badly to just have a normal pregnancy the second time around. I wanted to work, be able to decorate a sweet baby girl nursery and take maternity pictures. I wanted to show off my baby belly and enjoy my pregnancy. Now I know that I will never know what it is like to not have doctors appointments every week, and not spend the majority of my pregnancy in bed. It seems that maybe another baby isn't meant to be for us. I am just thankful we were blessed with our two little bug miracles. Now some how I will have to come to grip with the fact that I might always be a Mother of two. Those maternity clothes I hung on to might never be worn by me again, those baby clothes I am storing might never be worn by baby number three. I cannot be all that upset, we have two of the best little bugs anyone could ask for, and I am over the moon for that blessing. Sometimes things are just not meant to be.