In Case You Think I am Unaware

In case you think I am unaware of my reality, I am not! This is the first time I have received a comment that has prompted me to create a post. I just need you all to know that I am in NO way living in a dream cloud, I am fully aware of the obstacles we face.

Believe me, I cry almost hourly about what we are facing, and while I may blog about missing out on shopping or how messy my house is those are nothing compared to the fear I have for the health of our boys or the fear I have numerous times a day that maybe I am going into pre-term labor.

I am a confessed googleholic and I am aware that my boys will not go home until around their due date, I am also fully aware that they may not make it. I am all too aware of the reality and many times I feel my research makes me too aware and pessimistic.

I clearly stated in my post that I had time to pack a bag for the boys, I know our reality more than likely includes a lot of time in the hospital, I am not being naive, but I am trying to be optimistic and hold on to some sense of a normal pregnancy. What is so wrong with me wanting to have going home outfits for my boys? I am sorry, but if my boys are in the NICU I don't think I would feel compelled to go out shopping for them, I would rather be with them. Why not purchase a going home outfit for them online so I have it? Am I supposed to ignore preparing for them? I was already told I could not go to childbirth classes, so right there I am unprepared and it bothers me. If you don't know me... I am a planner and not one detail goes unturned with me.

I know the comment was not meant to be rude, and I apologize if I am coming off rude, but I want my readers to know that I AM fully aware of the road in store for us, I am not trying to cover up our new reality. I know the boys cannot wear clothes in the NICU, but I was told that they could have a blanket that smells like us, and yes thinking of pacifiers was probably a premature thought.

I am aware that I may not hold my babies when they are born, and I am aware that their delivery may not be tears of happiness, but sometimes I choose to keep pushing forward, not think about bad outcomes, and hope for the very best for our family.

Again I am sorry if this comes off bad, I blame hormones and emotion fueling the post.

Just Another Week Day

I am bummed and bored. It is getting to me again, no not the house so much this time, but just the things I am missing out on and the lonliness.

Gabe is gone today ALL day and won't be home until at least 8 p.m. tonight. I am sad because I look forward to his days off, and yet today it feels like just another week day. He is at a golf tournament and while the selfish part of me really wants him home, I know that he needs to have some fun.

I have so much I want to do and I want so bad to go shopping. My boys need a preemie going home outfit with a hat and while I know I will end up finding it online and all will be fine it saddens me that I can't go shopping for them. In the beginning I was scared to shop for them, so I didn't... and now I can't.

The boys room looks like a bomb hit it, a co-worker of Gabe's gave us a HUGE amount of baby items including a walker, a large swing, a travel swing, 5 garbage bags full of clothes, and much more. I was able to take some things off our registry after exploring the haul. The clothes are super cute and many things I would have picked out on my own, cowboy pj's, and camo clothes, all very boy like and very cute. We are pretty set on clothes for the boys. We don't have a large amount of matching outfits, but that is okay because the hand me downs will do just fine.

How do most people organize the clothes? I have begun to store away clothes bigger than 3-6 months. It seems confusing and crowded to have too much in the room. So we will have the 0-3 and the 3-6 outfits in the dresser and closet and then when the boys grow out of the 0-3, I will begin to pull in the 6-9 month clothes. Does that sound about right?

Yesterday was a good day, my girlfriend Heather came over and spent the day with me. She even brought me food from my favorite mexican restaurant. It was fun chatting the day away, although the conversation some how got into detail of the unmedicated births of her children and she scared the heck out of me. When Gabe got home we took a VERY quick (I swear I was not up for more than 10 minutes) trip to Ross to get a nightgown and slippers to begin to pack our hospital bag (Mima while I am thinking of it, please don't forget to bring the blue bag with you when you come for the baby shower, I am going to use that as our hospital bag.) No trying on allowed I grabbed a grey knee length nightgown with small pink, black, and white polka dots along with a pair of fuzzy black slippers. I have a soft pink robe already that I plan to bring. What do I need? The camera... toiletries... what else? What do I bring for the boys (even though I know we will have some time to get things together for them.) I was told to bring blankets for them that smell like me and our home, so maybe soon I will start sleeping with their blankets. I guess they need blankets, outfits, and maybe the pacifiers we plan to use. What else? The books I have don't really go into detail on this.

I got side tracked! After Ross we took my lounge chair to the drive in movie and watched up. It was SO FANTASTIC to get out of the house. We plan to go back to the drive in again in two weeks, it is a great way for me to get out of the house while still being on bedrest.

25 Weeks and an Update

We had a Periontologist appointment yesterday and it was refreshing. The office was short staffed so I was not only brought into the room by my doctor, but she also did our ultrasound and took plenty of time to answer the list of questions I had brought with me.

My questions:

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Q: Is cramping and aching still okay A: Yes, you are having twins and your stomach is stretching.

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Q: I find that sometimes I awake on my back is that okay? A: Yes it is okay, but ideally you should not be on your back long. Try using a body pillow in the front and back.

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Q: If something was to happen which doctor and hospital should I call? A: Call your in town doctor and go to the closest hospital.

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Q: Is it okay to be having more contractions and two different strengths. A: How often? My response: More painful ones about 4 times a day and light unpainful ones about 2 times an hour. A: COMPLETELY okay and nothing to worry about. We don't worry unless you have the painful contractions 6 times an hour. The light contractions are probably Braxton hicks. I am not worried, but if it bothers you, I can give you medication. My response: (with NO hesitation) YES!

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So I started a new medication yesterday and it is actually a blood pressure medication, which helps to calm the uterus. (She told me it could cause headaches, and she wasn't kidding) My doctor was VERY please with the outcome of our appointment. My cervix was measuring at 1.5. Now this may sound bad because last week at my OB's office I was measuring 2.3. The Peri thinks that maybe he measured differently then her. She tends to measure more conservative and more than likely I have had NO change at all in two week. I measured at 1.5 two weeks ago when I saw her. She was super pleased with this number because it means it was stable and unchanged in two weeks time. She said at this point many of her patients are already at a .50 and my 1.5 is great. I just need to hold onto that length for another 4 weeks. At 29 weeks she will no longer be as concerned with the actually length we will just be looking for dilation. So, cervix you can do it... just four more weeks at a 1.5 or greater.

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She was excited to tell us about two sets of twins born last week. She placed a cerclage for them around 20 weeks and the patients recently delivered at 33 weeks and 36 weeks.

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The cerclage has already bought us 5 weeks and she has every reason to believe it will continue to buy us more time. She feels the progesterone is doing wonders with the stabilization.

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Now onto the boys! Our baby boys weigh exactly the same and are in the 66th percentile weighing in at 1 lb. 12 oz. each. Yahoooo for big healthy boys. They were very cute yesterday and not at all camera shy.

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The C-Section topic came up yesterday and both my doctors think it is probably a good idea to just go that route, but if both babies are in prime positions at delivery time maybe we won't. We are fine with a C-section and just want to do what is best for the babies. I would rather have a planned c-section then attempt labor or worse go through labor with one baby to then have to do an emergency c-section for the 2nd baby. Only time and the babies positions will tell.

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Let your spouse put an ear to your belly -- he might be able to pick up baby's heartbeat (no stethoscope required). Inside the womb, the formation of tiny capillaries is giving baby a healthy pink glow. Baby's also soaking up your antibodies, getting the immune system ready for life outside the womb. Eyes are forming, and baby will soon perfect the blink -- perfect for batting those freshly grown lashes.

Head to heels, your baby now measures about 13 1/2 inches. Her weight — a pound and a half — isn't much more than an average rutabaga, but she's beginning to exchange her long, lean look for some baby fat. As she does, her wrinkled skin will begin to smooth out and she'll start to look more and more like a newborn. She's also growing more hair — and if you could see it, you'd now be able to discern its color and texture.

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*Sorry about the dashes, for some reason blogger wasn't showing the space bewtween paragraphs and it was making it very hard to read. I hate it when than happens, I think it happens when you load the pics before you type the text. Gotta remember that!

Noah & Aaden's Mommy Got a Haircut on Bedrest

Happy Father's Day

Dear Gabe,

I know that when Mother's Day came around for me this year, it was surreal. We have waited so very long to celebrate these days, and you deserve it my love! You are going to be a wonderful Father. I love you and I am so glad that our dreams are finally coming true. Thank you for being so understanding during this time. I owe you! Love you more than words. Happy 1st Father's Day!

Love,
Tiffany

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Dear Daddy,

We love you so much already, and can't wait to meet you (although we will wait for at least 8 more weeks.) Thanks for singing to us each night with your guitar, and thanks for helping our Mama stay off her feet. We love when you rub our Mama's belly and wish us a good night. Love you Daddy, Happy Father's Day!

Love,
Noah Warren & Aaden Parker

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Dear Dad,

Thanks for the kisses, walks, playtime and loves. I look forward to hearing your truck arrive at home each evening because I know it means playtime (although Mama doesn't look forward to my barking when I hear you.) Love you Dad, Happy Father's Day!

Love,
Phoenix

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Dear Dad,

Thanks for putting up with me and trying your best to train me. I know I can be a pain, but you have to admit that I am getting better. I promise as a gift for you for Father's Day to try to be a better boy. I love you ... thanks for bringing me into your family.

Love,
Memphis

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Dear Dad,

Thanks for having faith in me when I was sick, and thanks for the brushing the other night. I can't wait for the baby boys to get here, I will make a good big brother.

Love,
Ozzy

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Dear Dad,

Thanks for feeding me when I rub up against your leg and thanks for "trying" to save me from those crazy dogs. Happy Father's Day!

Love,
Chloe

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Happy Father's Day to all the Daddy's and please know that we are thinking of the future Father's today and know that this is a hard day.

A special thank you to my Grandma Drew who sent Gabe his very first Father's Day card. It was very cute watching him open it.

Plans for today include me on the sofa and Gabe and my little sister making brunch for my Dad at our house. I wish I could do something more for Gabe, but promise I will make it up to him next year.

** Don't forget to check out our 3D ultrasound pictures from yesterday!

Our 3D Ultrasound

Our little Noah, and yes that is his foot near his face

Noah Warren

Aaden Parker, and yes that is definetly his foot on his head

Noah our little lamb... Doesn't he look like a lamb?

Our little Noah boy

Aaden

Aaden

Aaden

Noah

Precious little Noah

Aaden's beautiful little face

Aaden

We Did It! 24 Weeks

We did it! We did it! We did it! *Sings loudly and does a little dance while laying in bed -- then breathes a HUGE sigh of "some" relief*

First milestone down! Now onto the next... 28 weeks and being able to deliver here in town, at the hospital Gabe and I were both born in.

Your baby's growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts him at just over a pound. Since he's almost a foot long (picture an ear of corn), he cuts a pretty lean figure at this point, but his body is filling out proportionally and he'll soon start to plump up. His brain is also growing quickly now, and his taste buds are continuing to develop. His lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory "tree" as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help his air sacs inflate once he hits the outside world. His skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon.

I need your thoughts. We really, really, really want to have a 3-d ultrasound done. We want a video to be able to share with family and someday with the boys. So, I am allowed out to appointments right? So... the 3-d place is about 10 minutes from my Peri's office. I will be out for my next check anyways right? So...... maybe a short 3-d ultrasound on the same day as my Peri check? What do you think? I think the Peri will be fine with it, but I will double check. Hey... I will be laying down while they do it. It sure would put a smile on our faces to have one done. We planned on a 45 minute one, but now with the situation we are in... a 15 minute will have to do. What are your thoughts?

Thank you all SO much for the emails, comments, and phone calls. SO glad to hear that my vent from yesterday is normal and that I am NOT alone. I am feeling much better today, doing my best to ignore the little things and the house in general. Gabe should be home most of tonight, which will be nice. Yesterday my BFF, Susie came over and she knew I had been crying... so of course I burst into tears. She said "how about you spend Thursday on my couch?" Then not even 10 seconds later she said "no no wait... how about I come over here and you tell me what you need done around here?" Let me just say, Susie does NOT read my blog and I did not tell her what was bothering me, she JUST KNOWS! I love my Susie! And YES I took her up on her offer. She is going to run some errands and then come over and help out. She told me to make a list, so a list I will make. She might be sorry. Hehehee.

Wouldn't ya know it.. I get a craving last night for Costco muffins (I know, I know real healthy huh?), ya know the variety pack with the chocolate chip, poppy seed, and blueberry? Lucky for me Gabe was at Costco. Turns out they no longer sell them in variety. Booohhhooo... you have to buy a pack of each flavor. Bummer.

We watched this DVD last night about the babies and it seems they have taste buds and can get the flavor of what I am eating through the amniotic fluid and will acquire a liking for those flavors. UH OH... Houston, we have a problem! Since bedrest started I have been mainly eating junk and things I can pop into the microwave so I don't have to stand up to cook. I want the boys to be good eaters, I better start spicing it up a bit and lay off on the junk food and Costco muffins. These boys are going to come out wanting fast food and Ben & Jerry's, which is NOT what we normally eat in this house.

Hip Hip Hooray for 24 Weeks!!!

I Must Vent

I am not sure how to approach this vent, because I don't want to sound un-grateful for all that we have been blessed with. But I know that I MUST vent before I blow up any further. I cannot vent to Gabe because it will make things worse, he is doing his best and I owe him big time.

In the past I have struggled, while infertility has been my hardest struggle, today I am struggling, but in completely different way.

The comments are driving me crazy... Oh relax and enjoy your time to rest. Must be nice to watch movies all day. At least you get paid something to do nothing. Lucky you, no chores.

I am sorry, but I am not lucky, it is NOT nice, and I am about to go nuts. I am thinking I might have some form of OCD... because my blood boils as I look around my house and can do nothing about it. Please help... WHAT DO I DO? How can I just let it go?

People keep offering to stop by with lunch or to come by and keep me company, and while I find that super sweet of them... I am embarrassed to let them in my house. How do you ask someone to instead please just come sweep my floor? And duh... of course I can't ask that because again I am embarrassed of my messy house and my piles of laundry.

There is stuff everywhere and I feel I added that fuel to the fire. I thought having Elianna here to help out and keep me company was going to be helpful... WRONG. It made it worse, she comes with her own messes, griping when I ask for help, and complaining about being bored. I am sorry to say, but thank goodness she is going home tonight when Gabe gets home.

Gabe is trying... I know he is, but anyone who knows my husband already knows that he has too much on his plate. So take his plate, and my plate.... something has got to give, and IT HAS!

Saturday I begged my Mom to take a rag to the baseboards in my bathroom... thank goodness she did, but I have 45 trivial things that mean nothing to most, but are in fact driving me bonkers. If I could just have one hour in my house and one afternoon out of the house to run errands things would be better.

Tonight Gabe will take Elianna home, then Costco, then the grocery store. Last night he had to bartend and we can't sacrifice that because lord knows we need the money. We have so much we wanted to accomplish right now and the fact is we can't even keep up with the everyday stuff. It is sad to admit, but I never realized all that I did. And did I fail to mention that I rarely see Gabe, and if I do... he is doing stuff around here.

I busted my ass the few weeks before the cerclage was placed. I cleaned out every closet, scrubbed behind everything in my house and cleaned and organized the garage from top to bottom. Wouldn't ya know it... the closets are again un-organized, and the garage looks like a cat box blew up in it.

What do I do? How do I learn to let it go? Is it OCD? Am I a control freak? I know that I must stay down and I will, I will do ANYTHING for these boys, but what can I do to get past this and not focus on the little things. Ugh... just realized our bed sheets need washed BAD. I just can't possibly ask Gabe for another thing, I am afraid he might blow at any minute too. HELP, I am depressed and stressed and it is not good for our boys.

*Update* We had a housekeeper come and I was dissapointed. Money is super tight right now and she didn't do a good enough job to justify the cost. Not to mention my biggest problem is the day to day stuff. Doing laundry, putting it away, keeping up with dishes, feeding the pets, grocery shopping, errands, picking up stuff around the house, cooking (these boys are becoming WAY to familiar with fast food), and keeping things organized. We plan to give it another go next week just to clean the bathroom and mop the floors.

*Another update* Maybe some of this is hormones, because I am VERY short tempered with the dogs and Elianna today. Gosh I better go apologize... I just yelled and kicked everyone out of my room. That was mean!

Appointment Update

Strict bedrest works! Last week my cervix measured in at a frightening 1.5, today it was a 2.3. Looks like strict bedrest CAN lengthen your cervix. Thank goodness! Nice to know that these sore hips, weight gain, and depressed mood are in fact helping the situation. I am in the "normal zone" again, you don't know how happy that makes me!

I go back again in 8 days. The boys were gorgeous, while we were waiting to go in Aaden decided to make his presence very know. His knee or elbow was clearly sticking out right below my ribs, Elianna and I took turns feeling it. Noah is still breech and laying vertical and Aaden is horizontal right above Noah. So their heads are right next to each other. Elianna's look when she saw them on screen was priceless.

This morning sucked, our power was out for 2 hours. Bedrest with no power! All I could have for breakfast was cereal, so by the time my appointment hit I was starving. Oh well, I got two good hours of reading in. Amazing how much we rely on electricity.

I got my first state disability check today. Uh oh... major lifestyle changes need to be made. Ugh! This was the time we had planned to stick money away, I guess that is out the window, now we will be lucky if we can make ends meet. Only 5 more IVF #3 payments left, once that is paid off things will be a little better. IVF #2 was officially paid off last month. We applied for a mortgage modification a month or so ago, lets hope it works and soon!

3 days and a Sunburn

Yes that right!!!! Only 3 more days until viability for the boys. We SO got this!

You might ask how one gets a sunburn on bedrest... that's simple... I bedrested (yes, I know that is not a word) outside yesterday. Who knew my pale self could burn that fast. That is NOT like me. Normally I have at least a small tan this time of year, but being this was my first time outside all week that could explain why my skin is so pale and I burned so fast.

My Step-Dad and Hub-Bub spent the day building us a storage shed and game room in the back yard. See when we bought this house it had a carport in the backyard, why... we are not sure, but we decided to enclose it and make half of it a storage shed and the other half a game room, or Gabe's get away room. A room for Gabe's Raider stuff, video games, a dart board etc. It may very well be my sanity during football season. Check it out...

A baby girl in the crib, NOT a good idea. We need to break this habit VERY fast.
Before

The split

Play time for the four legged boys, thank goodness. Thanks Elianna!

Hub-Bub working hard showing off the window

Four legged boys working hard

Me working hard as well

Coming along

The doors and window

The start of the siding

It is coming along well, I will post more as it progresses. We plan to paint it the color of the trim on our house, but who knows when that will happen. For now the storage shed, is most important. These boys need lots of "stuff."