I'd Never...

I'd never allow a friend to hook us up with "pork loin roast" when we really should have been charged for gourmet sausages

I'd never scream and curse when the darn Christmas lights didn't follow my damn directions for staying put around the window

I'd never feel a little let down when we pulled up to our house and things were just as we left them and our lives are just as they once were

I'd never admit that being away from the norm makes me feel much better

I'd never admit that on our vay-cay it had been almost a day since I talked or even thought about IF or IVF and it felt damn good

I'd never skip my vitamins because I was pretty sure I would just puke them up anyway

I'd never despise my insurance company for covering NADA of a $180 blood test to check HCG from retrieval day (just saw the bill today... lets just add it to the rest of the bills.. hoping they will let me set up a payment plan)

I'd never question who the heck packed the Christmas decorations away two years ago (because last year we chose not to decorate.. and of course it wasn't me two years ago)

I'd never fantasize about putting together the bassinet my MIL gave us

I'd never admit that it hurts to think we will never have that bassinet up in our house and it was oh such a waste to take it from a family whom put it to such good use

I'd never question if I am strong enough this year to do all this holiday stuff

I'd never slam the fridge door closed at the sight of fertility drugs when we got home from vay-cay

I'd never think I was blessed enough to not get the stomach bug the whole fam got this last week

I'd never have a little to much to drink on Thanksgiving day, because the Holidays are oh so easy

I'd never do a little Freegan in the dumpsters and truly LOVE it!

I'd never wish I didn't say things I said out loud

I'd never admit that I am a tiny bit envious that DH will be FRONT ROW at the Raider game tomrrow afternoon

I'd never be mapping out a plan for my next freegan adventure in my hometown

I'd never grab for a Big Gulp cup to think I would puke in numerous times on I-5

I'd never puke in 3 gas station bathrooms in Southern California

I'd never force myself to sleep just because I felt like crap

I'd never be excited to just be home tomorrow and to clean, do laundry and cook a great meal, oh how I love and miss cooking

I'd never cry during an audio book in the middle of nowhere

We'd never have a laugh attack going over numerous events. This happened in our bed during the middle of the afternoon today (of how we needed that). Oh how I love my DH.

I'd never think our dog was nuts

I'd never think so hard before I ate, and wonder how it might come out

I'd never think I was going to pull out a chain saw to cut down my shedding trees when the leaves covered my lawn in a blanket

I'd never fall in love with a brown and pink polka-a-dot apron at a speciality grocery store (who falls in love with an apron?)

I'd never allow our dog to be eating and destroying a hanger just because I am busy and don't feel like getting up right now

I'd never look over at the guy on the other couch whom is feeling slightly ill and thank my lucky stars that we found each other and that he loves me for who I am even with all my flaws

I'd never go to sleep right now without washing my face just because I don't feel so good and I am anxious to get to bed and have a solid nights sleep

I'd never pray myself to sleep with prayers that we succeeded in another miraculous break cycle conception and that the Stanford bills have been dissolved

Happy Thanksgiving

I have been MIA. We are in Tucson visiting DH's family for Thanksgiving. RE's office called yesterday and the lab results from last week were normal. So, no new meds will be added to the new protocol (will discuss the new protocol at a later date). All my meds have arrived thanks to some fantastic friends from FF who donated to me (my lifesavers!). This Thanksgiving I am thankful for you girls... you are my support, and my will to move forward. Evey time I am feeling down and alone all I have to do is think of you girls who are in my situation and are struggling or have overcome and I feel confident enough to keep on going and to keep my head up. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart and Happy Thanksgiving!

The Holidays

You may find it odd, but I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone in some of these apprehensions I am feeling towards the holidays. I want so bad to be excited, if not for myself, for my DH. Christmas is his favorite time of year, but yet Christmas for an infertile is a reminder of what is missing, what others have, and what could/should have been.

I hate feeling sorry for myself, I am trying so hard not to and to be happy for what we have. Yes, we have accomplished things this year, but the pain out weighs these accomplishments and memories. I am playing my hand... and this year the hand involves putting on the smiley face for the holidays and letting my DH enjoy them. I find comfort in the fact that we are moving forward and this year I am thankful for the technology we have that will bring me closer to being a Mother.

Below is a blog post from my friend Polly. Polly is a angel to us, Polly told us about the study at Stanford. Without Polly we would have never experienced IVF or Stanford yet. Without Polly we wouldn't have realized that Stanford was a preferred provider with my insurance and that even though infertility isn't covered on my insurance, the hospital is, and that makes IVF some what financially feasible for us. Polly's recent post about the Holiday's describes what us dealing with infertility and losses feel this time of year. She is a much better writter than me, so I thought that I would share.

http://in2mesee.blogspot.com/2008/11/holiday-apprehensions-like-everybody.html

The Lab

Of course the lab has no internet. Why would a hospital have internet access? Ugh. I sit typing in Word and will post this at some other time when I can get a signal. I arrived to the hospital at 6:25 a.m., by 7:00 a.m. I had been poked, which is nothing new to me and was enjoying my glucose breakfast drink. Ah holy sweetness. Not a very well balanced breakfast. I am not one for drinking anything sweet, minus the occasional margarita.

6:42 a.m. I was asked by the 2nd check in nurse “if I was pregnant?” Nope not pregnant… only dream, wish, hope, pray, and obsess. Just doing a test that many pregnant women do. They are checking my testosterone, DHEA, and large group of glucose tests.

6:47 a.m. An extremely sick little girl came in. You could tell she felt miserable. I couldn’t help, but get up and move as far away from her as possible. I am sorry, but I could do without being sick right now.

6:59 a.m. I was told I could not leave the lobby. Yup, got that… got that from the two previous nurses too.

7:01 a.m. I was back in the lobby settling down for the long haul. My boss was sitting in a seat nearby. We chatted a little. He was very sweet and managed to ask how I was doing with “all this”, which was thoughtful, now if only I could be asked that question without tearing up.

7:08 a.m. Stomach growls at the smell of breakfast cooking nearby. Hummm.. maybe I should start planning breakfast now. Crap, what about lunch? I forgot my lunch. Can you tell I am hungry?

7:16 a.m. Did I mention I can’t leave here?

7:20 a.m. Lobby is quiet. Maybe I will read a magazine. I sure hope the next time I do this test, I am pregnant.

7:21 a.m. Watching the news is so depressing. My DH likes to watch the news before bed, not me it makes me sad and worried and then I can’t sleep. Here I sit listening to the news and I have yet to hear an up lifting story.

7:26 a.m. I should probably call and leave a message for work. I will be late. I tried, I promise I tried. I got here at 6:25. Hoping to be gone by 8:25 and at work by 8:30. I should have known it would take over a half hour to check in.

7:28 a.m. I have a haircut tonight. I really want to do something different. I say this every time before a haircut, but yet come out with the same layered cut every time. This time I am thinking of going shorter, but will probably chicken out.

7:29 a.m. Tomorrow morning I have a teeth cleaning.

7:30 a.m. Going to read a magazine. The Dow is up 132. Not expecting it to stay up, but a girl with a sinking IRA can hope.

7:39 a.m. Feeling dizzy, going to watch a movie.

Friend...

Have you ever had a friend? A friend that is much more than just a plain 'ol friend? Even if she is "fertile..." someone who truly knows you more than you actually know yourself? Someone who knows that certain situations just aren't going to be easy no matter how optimistic you might want to believe you are... A friend who knows your feelings, a friend who loves you and wants to spare you from pain? Everyone deserves a friend.

Anyway

You could chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great but sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like i think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This worlds gone crazy
And it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

~ Martina McBride

Tomorrow has just got to be better than today, just got to. Sometimes things just have a way of hitting you like a ton of bricks when you least expect it. Just when I thought I was doing better, I was faced with a different set of feelings.

Things will be better, I have who I need by my side and I am not going to let the fear of the uncertain and the old me get in the way. Someday it will be our turn. For now, we take it as it comes and make the best of it and celebrate what we do have. I have to realize that I don't have to be a Mother to be whole and worthy. I am whole and I am doing my best, I am no less of a woman, wife, daughter, or friend. We are a family, in our own way even if it is just the two of us and not exactly what we planned. We were dealt this hand and instead of feeling sorry for myself, I will just play it. Even if I lose my ass, I am still a winner because I gave it my all.

On a positive note we will be moving forward. The final bill rolled in today and we were slightly surprised. Don't get me wrong it wasn't cheap, and it stings to pay for something that didn't work, but it was not $8,ooo like we thought it might be and we can pay it without using credit cards. So, we plan to move on and even have a VERY promising new protocol from the RE. Thanks to some wonderful Internet friends (again) whom are donating their meds to us we may be starting up again as soon as December. For now I try to stay busy, breathe and heal and work on feeling whole.

The Holidays

The following post from a couple of blogs really hit home for me this morning. They seem to take the thoughts right out of my head. Not sure how I will manage this year, jumping into a November cycle would have helped, or a even a December cycle, but financially not sure if that is feasible.

http://twondra.blogspot.com/2008/11/happy-holidays.html

Smile

It has been over a week now and all in all I am holding up okay. I have these moments of utter fear. Fear that I will never be a mother. Fear about the bills, fear about how we will pay for another cycle, fear about doing another cycle, fear about the upcoming holidays and how I will make it through the pain. Fear that maybe we are no where near the end, fear that we are missing something, fear that I am completely broken, but mostly fear that we will NEVER be parents no matter how hard we try or how bad we want it.

I am scared, unsure, lonely, and sad, but I have managed to smile and make the best of it.

I smile because....
-I think of Gabe
-Phoenix's new hair cut is super cute
-Phoenix's kisses can brighten my day
-My husband loves me, and I love him
-My salmon rocked last night
-My husband supports me and will stand by my side
-I am intrigued about the topic of tonights meeting, and slightly excited by where it might lead us if need be
-I have to be strong for my husband
-I know that some people love me
-I was given a promising new protocol from the RE
-Gabe and I get to spend many hours alone together driving
-The RE's office is supposed to call today to answer my long list of questions
-Some (just some, can't smile too big) of the bills were covered by insurance
-I bought some new throw pillows for the couch
-I scored a great parking spot at TJ's at 5:30 p.m.
-I have great internet friends who have offered to donate meds to me once again
-I am alive
-I love my house
-I love my cats
-Susie left me the funniest voice message
-I spent a day with my Grammy, Mom, and Elianna
-Elianna's smiles are contagious
-Even if we don't have biological children, some how we WILL be parents. In my heart I truly believe this.

Jealous

Jealous that DH is off Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Why aren't we closed today in honor of our Veteran's? Jealous, he is in bed, I wish I was in bed. Lucky, loveable guy. Hope he has a great day, oh... and manages to complete some stuff around the house. That would be great! Happy Veteran's Day all!

Our Hand

So here I sit wide awake. I am not too much for sleeping anymore. I think my thoughts are even starting to interrupt my dreams (if that is even possible.)

This morning I read a post from Tammy. Tammy is depressed and doesn't understand how her life got like this. She also wonders why God would want her to be this unhappy?

What did we do to deserve this? I ask myself this every morning as I struggle to get out of bed. I will never know what we did to deserve this. All we can do is manage, make this best of it, and work with what we got.

We are going to try again, I know... it may seem crazy financially, but we have to. We have no CLEAR reason that it won't work, so for now we WILL try again and yes it won't be easy, but these are the cards we were dealt and all we can do is play them even if they are crappy. We just hope we can catch a card which will make us the winner. Imagine if we folded and our flop would have given us a Straight Flush, we just can't fold because we never know what could come up and lead us to victory.

However, a re-deal might be nice.

Maybe...

Maybe I am just not meant to be a Mother. Would I be content living my life without ever having children?

Oh, and thank you all for your wonderful comments. They helped get me through the evening. Yesterday DH and I spent a day together. A day healing and talking and planning. We didn't get very far and we still haven't heard back from the doctor, but it was nice to spend the day in San Francisco with my husband trying to re-coop.

Going forward DH requested that we not be so public about our journey. He had a hard time telling people that once again it didn't take. I don't blame him, it is hard, it is hard to explain and answer questions that we have no answers to. I really enjoy sharing our journey with you women that understand and can comfort me, but because family and friends read this blog as well, I may not be as open as in the past. We will see, maybe DH will change his mind.

I am at a loss, not sure where, when, how, or if we will move forward. We were told we could start another cycle as soon as today, but beings that I am out of vacation and sick time, we opted not to, nor do I know how much this cycle costed us and if we even have enough to pay for it.

Maybe December? Maybe January? Maybe next year? Maybe never?

Let it Go

I been caught sideways out here on the crossroads
Tryin' to buy back the pieces I lost of my soul
It's hard when the devil won't get off your back
It's like carryin' around the past in a hundred pound sack
Today, I'm gonna keep on walkin'
I'm gonna hold my head up high
Gonna leave it all behind
Today, I'm gonna stand out in the rain
Let it wash it all away, yeah wash it all away
I'm gonna let it go, Oh oh, Oh yeah
I'm gonna let it go, oh oh, Oh yeah

Beta was Negative.

That is all I have to say for now. I have a lot I want to say, but for now, just letting things sink in.

Thanks Erin!

In honor of my blogger buddy, Erin (http://122075.blogspot.com/), who's strength amazes me. I present my one word answers:
1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Dark-Blonde
4. Your mother? Well-intentioned
5. Your father? Well-intentioned
6. Your favorite thing? Computer
7. Your dream last night? Peaceful
8. Your dream/goal? Mother
9. The room you're in? Living
10. Your hobby? Cooking
11. Your fear? Childless
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Mother
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you're not? Satisfied
15. One of your wish list items? Baby
16. Where you grew up? California
17. The last thing you did? Cried
18. What are you wearing? PJ's
19. Your T.V.? Entertainment
20. Your pet? Companions
21. Your computer? Support
22. Your mood? Blah
23. Missing someone? Yes
24. Your car? SUV
25. Something you're not wearing? Socks
26. Favorite store? Gap
27. Your Summer? Emotional
28. Love someone? Incredibly
29. Your favorite color? Green
30. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday
31. Last time you cried? 3:05

And now I invite these wonderful women to participate:

Lisa: http://www.infertileground.com/
Ryan: http://enjoyingeverymoment324.blogspot.com/
Erin: http://terobertson.blogspot.com/
Polly: http://in2mesee.blogspot.com/
Tammy: http://twondra.blogspot.com/

To Pee of Not to Pee?

Going NUTTY over here! I can't decide what to do. If I test today it might still be too early (11 dpo), so if I see a negative I can chalk it up to that and hold on to a little bit of hope. If test tomorrow or Monday and see a negative you normally can't blame it on being too early and the hope will be almost completely gone.

What is a girl to do? I know I have to test. I don't want a random nurse blurting our my beta results without being prepared, I want to know before that call. I dread that call and I NEED to be prepared.

On the symptom front... not much. Same old same old, and the symptoms I do have can be blamed on the progesterone supplements. So who knows? All I can do is sit back and pray, which I have been doing a lot of.